Passive-aggressiveness

Oh, you know this one well. So well. You have been it, done it, and experienced it countless times. It is aggression towards others expressed indirectly or passively, often through procrastination or some other seemingly non-aggressive but destructive act.

You did your best to make her happy with the move to your new apartment, and you hope that the fact she wants to live in a completely different city is made up for by just how nice this particular apartment is. However, you are aghast to find that when you arrive after the last trip with arms full of bags in tow, that she has somehow let the movers throw away your electric guitars with the garbage. When you ask her how in the world it happened, she said, “You didn’t leave specific instructions for them on what to do with them.”

She really, really didn’t want to still stay in the city.

Or perhaps you are really, really looking forward to him going on vacation with you and your parents, and you’ve reminded him at least three times that he needs to put in for paid time off in August. It’s July, and time to book the airfare and accomodations, but when you ask him to make the call, he says, “I can’t. I work that week.” You protest, and remind him of all the times you reminded him how important it is to you to go, but he says, “Look, the work schedule is put in stone months ahead of time. I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do.”

Passive-aggressiveness is one of those social habits that reminds us how very different aggression and assertiveness are, since it is often the style that people revert to when they are neither mature enough to be assertive (“I’m sorry, I just don’t want to be on vacation with your parents”), nor do they even have the constitution to be aggressive (“I’m sorry, but this city is a crap city, and I can’t stand it here even another year.”)

It’s enough to make you appreciate aggressive people, even though they can be destructive, because at least you know what you are dealing with. Not so with the passive-aggressive, which makes them especially insidious to be in a committed relationship with that has goals. Your goals may be worked toward for years, and then sunk overnight when you discover that their teamwork was fake all along, and your resources have been rotting from the inside out.

This one is one to avoid at all costs.