Scholarliness is a combination of the skill of Curiosity with the trait of intelligence. Curiosity, you may remember, is largely composed of the core psychological skill of Observing Ego, paired with an educated eye, full of "left brain" ability for detail, history, and organization. The skill of curiosity is universally useful, no matter what one's intelligence level is, but in the absence of the latter, a curious person may have a lot of obstacles and pitfalls to overcome on their life's path - like the medieval fictional character, Parcival, noble, but rife with mistakes and lessons before getting to his goals. As a result, it is very advantageous to pair someone with both ample book-learning education, yet also with a robust set of lessons in life's experience, and an inborn gift of intelligence from the start - the large capacity to efficiently fill up on both forms of learning: education AND experience. Scholarliness has bearing on our performance in phase three - intellectual attraction - step eight, where we seek to amplify the best virtues toward our goals.

And so in the case of the “scholarliness” of a partner which affords a “teammate in life” who can rise to the occasion of accurately help setting goals and achieving them based on data, good information, the use of logic, with the adaptation to still team up in times of struggle or challenge - such as being an avid reader, or having frequent dinner guests with lively conversation - we can provide these little conversational tests of scholarliness.

Meanwhile we may be on the lookout for signs of frequent “pedantry” or “bombast” - for example, the frequent citing of one’s own education as the force of an argument rather than looking at the facts, the reliance on emotional arguments, again rather than facts, or the biggest one of all: clearly and frequently pursuing “being right” in a discussion rather than pursuing harmony and happiness for the couple. In other words, “would you rather be right, or rather be happy if you could choose only one?” This is a revealing conversational test of both pedantry and bombast.

RETURN TO CHARACTER COMPATIBILITY

A form of positive emotional energy conceived of by Romantic Dynamics, as existing in the Mammalian Brain, where the emotions reside in the mind. It has several synonyms in the form of "happiness," "friendship," and is the antithesis and antidote to stress, resisting and dispelling stress in equal degrees. It is a form of chemical energy in its simplest state, and as such, is subject to the laws of thermodynamics (energy is neither created, nor destroyed; it just changes form.) And so as a result, an equal amount of self-esteem is required to match and eliminate an equal amount of stress coming into an individual from the outside environment. To do so, the stress must make its way through the personal boundary, which can have any number of flaws that allow stress in in the first place.

To do so, the stress must make its way through the personal boundary, which can have any number of flaws that allow stress in in the first place. Nonetheless, self-esteem is the second line of defense against stress, after the boundary, and  can be seen as a power source that helps to strengthen the personal boundary against outside threats. This is important in the second phase of human courtship - emotional attraction, which is friendship, or "love" - because stress is a major obstacle and detriment to this phase of courtship going well, and potential partners becoming, and staying, friends.

There are two types of self-esteem in the Romantic Dynamics model, and depending which of the two a person is most facile at, and dominant in, one's self-esteem type factors into their general personality style.

The first, we call, "Well-being," which is a nurturing, caring kind of positive emotion most akin to being "maternal" or motherly toward one's self and others. It is the specific antidote to one of the two types of stress, called, "hurt." Well-being is then the opposite of hurt, and is a kind of "potential energy," or a resource reserve whose exact amount is the same as the amount of "hurt" that one may bear without falling into the negative emotions of anger and sadness in response.

The second type of self-esteem we call, "Confidence," which is an action-taking, protective, defensive positive emotion, and an energy of action, akin to being "paternal" or fatherly toward one's self and others. It is the antidote to the other of the two types of stress, called, "loss." Confidence is then the ability to withstand risk, change or loss, and is equal in exact amount to the amount of threat or loss that one can tolerate without falling into the negative emotions of anxiety and fear in response.

One's overall self-esteem in Romantic Dynamics and the second phase of human courtship - friendship, or the emotional attraction of love - depends on equal amounts of these two types of self-esteem: well-being and confidence.

All people tend to be dominant in either one or the other, and so they have what may feel to them to be an endless supply of one or the other - well-being or confidence. However, if someone had only well-being with which to nurture themselves, they would be fragile to the stress called, "loss," due to a lack of confidence, and so they cannot be entirely happy even if they have a large amount of well-being. Likewise, if someone had only confidence with which to face threats and obstacles, taking confident action against them, they are not entirely happy either. They may tire, and long for rest and comfort, as well as general emotional resources found in the nurturing of well-being.

And so for a full and fit self-esteem, we all need both forms of it, ideally in equal measure. Since we are all dominant in one or the other by way of our personality type, we can only reach the highest levels of self-esteem and therefore happiness in two ways:

1. By working on ourselves emotionally, to cultivate the positive emotional style we lack, through the Anger Map (leading to more well-being) and Anxiety Map (leading to more confidence.)
2. Or through a romantic coupledom or non-romantic friendships with what amounts to a best-friend (who has in abundance, the type of self-esteem that does not come naturally to us.)

The four personality styles of the Social Personality System seen in phase two of human courtship - emotional attraction - provide guidance on finding such friendships. The King and Queen personality styles, and Lover personality style are dominant on maternal, nurturing self-esteem (well-being), and make good emotional matches for the Warrior and Magician personality styles, which are both dominant in paternal, confident self-esteem.

Service is defined in the dictionary as "supplying or delivery," or "a system supplying a public need such as transport, communications, or utilities such as electricity and water." The nature of this term is seen as being of appeal as a trait in a partner which one needs if they are more of a thinker and private person, but enjoy access to people and experiences other than their more comfortable, humble world. It is a character trait and virtue that you want, when you see yourself desiring a partner with both "devotion" (as in, "to a cause") and "access" or "connections." Service is a combination of the Skill of Compromise with the trait (or Commonality) of Beliefs.

Compromise as a skill of commitment, takes us into a relationship level built at first on curiosity about each other's inner workings, then maximizing communication, and into a more "synthetic" mode of weaving our lives together. This will involve common goals, but also common "beliefs." This means that mature, advanced Compromise as a set of skills does not just amount to "sacrifice" of our personal goals. Instead, it is a mature effort to truly pick through what aspects of one's personal dreams can be aligned into a common goal, and to do that, we will have to find common beliefs that form a framework for building strategies that grow a life together. It implies having a "system" or "network."

Two objects hurtling at each other will not combine nicely, but two "systems" can go through turbulence in joining together, eventually settling into a new equilibrium. For example,  in meterology, a high pressure weather system may collide with a low pressure weather system, and the result may include precipitation, tornadoes, and the like, eventually calming to a meteorological equilibrium.

Likewise, it would be highly unrealistic to expect to see a couple made of two very different individuals, trying to join lives, and not go through some sort of drama, if not relationship turbulence. What makes Service unique as a character virtue, is that it offers the partner, and the relationship, a stable system of resources, friends, career solidness, and perhaps finances that serve as a "buffer" for the natural blending of two separate psychologies. More than just "a stable person," the partner with a gift of Service tends to have numerous, well-established venues and networks for "riding out storms" (such as the formation of a relationship by two people with unique life stories.)

Consider the "delivery system" in the definition to be sets of "social buffers," such as having enough friends to bouy disagreements and joining points in a new relationship that is synthesizing itself together, and the service-oriented person having grown such systems by way of the helpfulness with which they have treated others for years.  Such a person may be called, "an old soul," or even "longsuffering" for the benefit of others, and their value is incalculable to the relationship. They have unlimited patience, at least to the point of being taken for granted, since virtues also have good boundaries.

We may clearly see examples of how personality style may also align with the higher-brained notion of a mature character virtue, here. For example, if one were a Lover Personality, full of the unlimited capacity to dispense out well-being to others, you might see how the further development of a rich, character virtue might come very naturally to them. A Warrior Personality, with Authority as a character virtue may be a perfect match of not only personality, but the refinements of character virtue as well, the person of authority making the "battle plans" for the couple, and the service-oriented person employing their networks to execute those plans together.

Yet, we need to remember that personality styles have a limited number (four), while each of the many virtues of mature character need not be tied to a particular personality style. Some combinations just work well together. There may be just as service-driven Warrior and Magician personalities, and as many Lover and King or Queen personalities who are authoritative.

Through combining compromise with beliefs, Service links the higher brain to both the mammalian brain (giving Well-being, comfort and satisfaction to the partner) as well as the reptilian brain, through being a character virtue that either amplifies femininity in the partner through a Posiedon-like providing of channels and resources toward achieving a goal, or else amplifies the masculinity in the partner through expressing service as an elevating of the man's status in a hierarchy, or "on a mission" - a gift to the man's goals, by the woman (alongside the Ariadne Instinct in her, which amplifies the Theseus Instinct in him - letting him know he is preferred and special by way of the assistance of the woman, and more effective in his career aspirations because of her connections.) It is a kind of "golden thread of Ariadne" that Service offers.

From Aristotle's Golden Mean, we learn that every virtue also has two vices. In the case of Service, the vice of excess is Martyrdom, which describes an overly generous service to others, to the harm of the giver - seen in codependence and narcissism in the partner who would otherwise seek to have the virtue of Service. It shows an attempt to control another person, by playing the victim who overdelivers on service.

The vice of deficit for Service is called, "Mercenary," which is in essence, still "delivering a service," but not freely giving, expecting a cost in return that is usually of a much higher price than the value of that service. This is also a commentary on the specifics of poor boundaries and codependence, as those who have both, tend to easily fall prey to the mercenary types.

Mercenary behavor toward a potential partner is similar to the common phrase that partners say of each other: "The cost of being with her," Or "Being with him has strings attached," or simply,  "she used me."

These features show the vice in some relationships that pertain to the deep meaning of the value of "work" at a relationship, which is never about one partner "falling in line" with the agenda of the other partner. Rather, it is about the joining together in the work of providing an environment for the other partner to thrive in, through thick or thin, richer or poorer. Neglect of mutual service is one of the many ways that modern couples tend to ignore or violate their own marriage vows - which are serving an delivering love to each other both in good times and in bad.

We might often see a couple have a falling out, because they can sense a kind of fraudulent nature in the hints of unfair division of labor, or victim-like attitude in mercenary and martyrdom as vices, when instead, we needed their Service as a virtue - something that can only come from a mature, constructive attitude and actions in the partnership.

Service has bearing on our performance in phase three - intellectual attraction - step eight, where we seek to amplify the best virtues toward our goals. It is what causes us to see our mate as the most important "connection" in our lives, and us to feel access to social and other resources that we wouldn't otherwise have.

RETURN TO CHARACTER COMPATIBILITY

 Shame is a Feeling of Being Less That Alive, Loss of Vitality, Masculinity or Femininity, and Feeling a "Deadened"

There are so many things that cause Shame is. However, it is a highly useful word about our behavior for some specific reasons. For ease of understanding, Shame is the opposite of Passion, and a depletion of it, the depletion of Masculinity or Femininity and therefore the negation of one's sense of identity in these, the blocking of masculine or feminine expression or behavior, the delegitimizing of either of them, and the absence of charisma, vitality, motivation, joy, bliss or exuberance. It is anhedonia, the lack of pleasure too, seen in such depressions as those called dysthymia, or melancholia. As such we believe it to be a gender specific cause of these depressions.

Shame may occur generally in only two kinds of situation - those that pertain to "life and death issues," and those pertaining to love, romance and sex. If you were to reenvision these two uses in the day of both Charles Darwin and Sigmund Freud, you would see something remarkable: that our unconscious instincts function in only the same two circumstances - those which are designed to help us with survival, and those which help us find a mate with whom to reproduce.

Our instincts are about survival and reproduction, and the word, PASSION, is about survival and reproduction. When we fail to exhibit "viability" or a robust set of behaviors of vitality, or the verification of them in progress toward our life's mission or purpose, then we feel shame, a depletion of masculinity, femininity and passion. When we fail at romance, suffer a breakup or divorce, or are cheated upon, the circumstances surrounding us in those times also show us how lacking in masculinity or femininity we are - our genes will not survive the ending of our romance, and we become more passionless.

We might then see Shame as also UNCONSCIOUS, like passion, and based in the area of the mind that evolutionary psychologists have termed, the reptilian brain. As such, there is an absence of the most fundamental energy - that spark of life, and we have less capacity for "AROUSAL." Both to have the motivation to defend or maintain our health ("learned helplessness") and to have interest in romance or sex.

For example, one might be concerned with survival on one end of a spectrum in the sense of the fear of death, avoiding death, and dangerous, deadly threats. The absence of arousal over danger lets us wander into harm's way, as if we "don't care anymore," the unconsciously suicidal - perhaps what Freud was referring to as the Thanatos Instinct. In other words, living with great vitality, exuberance, charisma, and excitement - all synonyms for what Freud referred to as "Libido" has died a bit, and with it, our will to live, and to even care.

Over to the "reproductive variable" that passion also defines, we have the principles of human courtship, dating, love, romance, marriage and sex. With a depletion of masculinity or femininity and the passion therein, we lose the sex drive, the interest, the energy that advertises our romantic worth - the "winning instincts" that we call the Ares and Athena Instincts early in the steps of romance and courtship - and we find that we no longer attract the opposite sex, whom in committed partnerships would then be our spouse.

Consider that there are two genders, and that the nature of their reproductive behavior is different, and yet the variable, Shame, is the same term. It makes men and women feel less alive, and to be tempted to "give up on their dreams" on account of their flagging energy of life.

Consider further then that Masculinity and Femininity are as biologically and psychologically "real" as concepts as there can be, with rules and structures in which it operates very precisely. As two sets of instincts in males and females, they are simply gender specific words for the lightning-quick behaviors designed to save our lives, survive (and truly feel alive), as well as to help us find a mate with whom to reproduce. Their absence leaves us too slow to respond to opportunity in career, to invitations to court, and the dropping out of life, itself. One might even deduce that Shame may be behind any violent acts, whether in the case of males, more so physical, and in women, more so social and verbal violence.

What's more - Masculinity and Femininity are actually whole sets of instincts in men and women, respectively, and which exhibit certain traits and tendencies in universal situations out in the world - from behaviors in romance, to consumer spending, to waging war, or finding diplomatic peace, to raising children, selecting a geographic location to live within and a type of domicile, there are universals in common to all women with each other, and those common in all men with each other. One might deduce that in these activities, the shamed male is a poorer father, husband, friend and participant in career and society, and the shamed woman is a poorer mother, wife, friend and participant in career and society. Their dreams have died.

As "passions" they are unconscious and "reptilian brained."  However, the specifics of their pathways of behavior, as sets of instincts, were originally mapped out by Psychiatrist Carl Jung, successor to Freud.  Stories of the ancient Greeks and many world traditions of myth likely give us key codes to the universals of instinctual behaviors among men and women within their own genders. It's the code for the universal behaviors through which the unique masculine and feminine forms of passion are expressed in communication, and more importantly - for the evolutionist's understanding of why the species survived - their utility for a universal, but diverse set of human situations: the social, the survival, and the romantic.

One might then presume a shamed male to be less of a "winner" and more of a "loser," less "Ares-like," less competitive, less goal-directed, less achieving, "less Apollo-like," less sexy or romantic, "less Hermes-like" or "Eros-like," less paternal, "less Zeus-like," and with these, less arousing to women, giving less masculinity to arouse their sense of femininity by way of association with that specific man.

The shamed woman is less a "winner" or diplomat at war, "less Athena-like," less accurate in determining opportunity, "less Artemis-like," less maternal, "less Hera-like," less skilled at management, "less Hestia-like," and with these, less arousing to men, giving less femininity to arouse their sense of masculinity by association with that specific woman.

A good example of Shame in a male is that of Actaeon, the hunter, who upon stumbling across the goddess, Artemis, bathing with her nymphs, was transformed by her into the form of a stag, and hunted down by his own hounds, who eventually tore him to shreds. This may sound physically violent, but as a metaphor, speaks to the violent power of gossip and the mob rule effect of those who were formerly the hunter's associates, whether male or female, who seeing him different, in the metaphorically reptilian form of an actual animal - the stag - see only another animal that is weak and exists to be hunted by the pack of hounds, and whose now mistaken or transformed identity, is destroyed. We see the very same story in the rich and famous males who without any due process of a court, are vanished from the earth by social media gossip (whether a just outcome or not does not matter.)

A good example of female shame is that of the origin of Medusa, who was once a fair maiden sought after by the god, Poseidon. The god set about stalking, attacking and raping her in the unholy place and in an unholy act, in the temple of Athena herself - the goddess of war and wisdom - and the goddess taking pity on her death as a fair maiden and birth as a monster, grants her the monstrous power of rage and revenge, with hair made of snakes, and the ability to turn any man who dares gaze in her eyes to stone. Rage as a power producing death, and the ultimate violent revenge on one's own shame, whether just or not, the men who happen to gaze in her eyes meeting the same fate.

There are antidotes to the shame, rage and revenge in others, provided by yet another Greek myth - in that of Perseus, who defeated Medusa after being given, ironically, five gifts from the same goddess, Athena, who took pity on the monster, Medusa, whom again, was once a fair maiden and is no more.

She gave Perseus a Helmet of magic, which once he donned it, could not be seen, symbolic of blocking our ears and minds from listening to the words of hate and gossip which may come our way from a shamed, rageful and wantonly violent people.

She gave him winged sandals which could fly him rapidly out of reach, symbolic of the role of geographic distance from those who would produce harm - such as cutting off one's social media accounts, and where the gossip and rage of others cannot reach you.

She gave him the "helm of darkness" from Hades, himself, a cloak of invisibility in which he could not be seen - advice on not directly making one's self a target for the shame and rageful revenge of others.

Athena gave Perseus a polished shield in which he could see the reflection of Medusa, but not the direct gaze which turns men to stone and would mean certain death. Symbolic of the personal boundary itself - to remain self-respecting, to engage only indirectly and yet to disagree with her words and actions - to say NO to them - and to observe her behavior indirectly, not by literally what she says or does, but to "see" through her outer behaviors and words, to the truthful location of them and what they mean. To "see" her strategies indirectly, and thereby to know her trajectory, her "next moves" in argument, shame and gossip, and be there before her armed with the sword of truth, the last gift.

She gave him an adamantine sword, with which to cut of the head of Medusa, and symbolic of incisive truth, just and accurate communication, will and purpose. Truth which ultimately defeats the rageful monster by forever ending both her communication and actions of wanton death and destruction.

Intuition, or shrewdness, is something that guides our decisions in terms of what the likely effect of choosing a particular environment to operate within will have on US. And whether the specific decisions in that environment are likely to have the social surrounds treat us back kindly or beneficially for us to reach our goals. It is a kind of "shrewdness"" about knowing people and environments that we start out in life, empty of, but over time and numerous decisions later, we learn to fill our tank of intuition up on. Think, the film, Slumdog Millionaire, for a great example of how to fill up on and use this resource.

Conscience, tells us whether we are doing right by people, being mature of character, virtuous and constructive, or else being unethical, with vice, and destructive.

Intuition tells us whether a particular environment or kind of environment is being kind, generous, beneficial, and constructive back at us, or whether it is a destructive environment or one in which normally good decisions still lead to destructive treatment back at ourselves.

That which is destructive also correlates with immaturity, regression, criminality and even evil in our sense of the word, and is part of what is pathological narcissism. Destructiveness is what is within both the upper right branch and the down arrow of both the Anger Map and the Anxiety Map.

That which is constructive correlates with virtue, character maturity, goodness, partnership, success, and is seen in the upper left branches of both the Anger Map and Anxiety Map in the mature emotional decisions called Assertiveness and Courage, respectively.

Being overly simplistic is a character "vice of excess" stemming from what would otherwise be a character virtue in the form of elegance. It is intellectually narcissistic, which is to say that it contains either the intellectual narcissism of ignorance or prejudice. One may be ignorant of the maturity level of the audience for an elegant idea, underestimating their sophistication, and insulting them in a way that seems "patronizing." Or may they may be prejudicial against those who understand and process more complex concepts, mismatching and underutilizing the language of communication at their maturity level. It is then a common branding and marketing mistake made by novice marketers and other public communicators who try to get their ideas across to an audience they do not measure the sophistication and maturity of.

Someone who is "simplistic," is by definition, dumb down their complexity of communication to the point of losing the utility and power of their complex set of ideas. However, all human beings communicate on a spectrum between being overly simplistic, and overly complex to match the needs of their audience. This highlights the central psychological skill within maturity, which is the Observing Ego to scan the environment for its composition and needs, matching that to what we endeavor in that social environment.

RETURN TO CHARACTER COMPATIBILITY

The Sirens were dangerous creatures, who lured nearby sailors with their enchanting music and voices to shipwreck on the rocky coast of their island. And so the Siren Instinct in women is the knowledge and use of the power that women have over men through their seductiveness, to obtain advantage in life, career, and romance. In the early steps of romance and sexual attraction, one could envision this instinct as working hand in hand with the Aphrodite Instinct to punctuate beauty and the visual enticement of males, through the body and motion, as the Sirens lured the soldiers with their ruse of physical beauty. One sees this instinct at work in attire and cosmetics as well.

Sirens were believed to combine women and birds in various ways. In early Greek art, Sirens were represented as birds with large women's heads, bird feathers and scaly feet. Later, they were represented as female figures with the legs of birds, with or without wings, playing a variety of musical instruments, especially harps.

Leonardo da Vinci wrote of the Siren, "The siren sings so sweetly that she lulls the mariners to sleep; then she climbs upon the ships and kills the sleeping mariners."

In 1917, Franz Kafka wrote in The Silence of the Sirens, "Now the Sirens have a still more fatal weapon than their song, namely their silence. And though admittedly such a thing never happened, it is still conceivable that someone might possibly have escaped from their singing; but from their silence certainly never."

We should take note of this in the Siren Instinct in women, that a message of "sweetness" delivered without words, the charm of silence is incredibly powerful for the use of women in gaining their objectives, whether honorable or dishonorable. That the visual appeal to a mate is often silent, and arouses the imagination, which is the objective of Step 1 of courtship - the mystery and beauty that spark passion in the first place. This is a powerful instinct in women that may be disdained by our current culture, but is nevertheless a major tool in the toolbox of a woman seeking passion and inspiration, should she stoop to master the skill.

RETURN TO THE FEMININE INSTINCTS

The Skills of Commitment are a set of four behaviors, or skills that a person seeking to establish a stable, long-term relationship or romance needs to cultivate. They will be immediately obvious to any person who sees them described, but will soon come to realize that they incorporate many of the conscious working parts of mature character and one's virtues. They are impaired in developing for those with too much pathological narcissism, immaturity, vice, and who operate socially in predominantly the “Primitive  Ego Defenses” or “Immature Ego Defenses”.

In Romantic Dynamics, we often cover how a well-formed sexual attraction between the masculine and feminine instincts, serves to continue to power and rejuvenate the commitment of the intellectual attraction, and how the happiness and friendship of a well-formed emotional attraction between compatible personalities, makes for a best-friendship that buoys the goal-setting and pursuit of joint goals in the partnership of intellectual attraction as well.

However, alongside the Four Commonalities of Commitment that are inherent in us, the Four Skills of Commitment must be worked at, practiced and mastered in order for someone to be fully functional in a loyal, long term partnership toward shared goals as a couple. The starting point on this may disqualify a person from evenbeginning to learn these, let alone master them - if one is full of vice, narcissism, uses primitive ego defenses or immature ego defenses, and is immature in the personal boundary or Observing Ego, one cannot even begin to learn the skills of commitment.

Meanwhile, someone with Neurotic Ego Defenses or Mature Ego Defenses will have enough personal boundary skill and Observing Ego to be a more mature person, with more virtues than vices, and not that much pathological narcissism.  They will certainly be able to consciously learn, practice, and begin to master the four Skills of Commitment.

If we were to go into these four in detail, you will see how a relationship cannot do without any of the four, and still survive in terms of loyalty, longevity, and successful strategy and achievement of joint goals between two people in a couple.

The Four Skills of Commitment

Curiosity ➳

We have to pay enough attention in the first place about something if we are to maintain a curiosity about it. Curiosity needs to not be distracted, but rather, pays close attention to the matter at hand. Observing Ego stops us from losing our focus, but also our interest, causing us to not overvalue minor advantages to a relationship, or to devalue the little things that might actually make it the perfect relationship for us. Observing Ego, plus the detail-oriented “right-brain” contribute. This is a must, as a skill for a partnership built on teamwork toward joint life's goals.

Communication ➳

Without intimacy (two people being present minded at the same time), communication falls flat or is inaccurate, distracted, and includes erroneous or irrelevant information, when Observing Ego is not employed. Bad communication also comes from a lack of Observing Ego to make us not miss details about someone else’s ideas or emotions in sending and receiving communication. It also comes from a lack of personal boundary skill to assure that there is not distortion or a twisting of their words or actions into something that was not intended to be conveyed in the way it did. Cognitive distortions are very common in the more Primitive Ego Defenses and Immature Ego Defenses, which is a major reason that those unconscious social habits make us incapable of mature and lasting relationships and partnership when they dominate our behavior.

Compromise ➳

When we look to discover what it is we can live without so that there may be harmony and teamwork in our relationship, we have to pay attention enough to valuate what our proposition is for moving toward the joint goals of true teamwork and partnership of intellectual attraction. Without Observing Ego, we may be giving up some part of ourselves in service of the team, which we really couldn’t afford to give up, causing team failure. We might also be demanding of our partner of what they cannot give, and what we shouldn’t even bother to ask.

Collaboration ➳

When one pilot on an airline flight goes to sleep on a long voyage, the other pilot, and/or autopilot takes over, but they can’t maintain this arrangement for the whole flight (especially takeoff or landing.) Collaboration is also dynamic and shifting to and fro to accomplish goals, adjusting to obstacles and imperfections. It needs Observing Ego to be constantly aware of the changing circumstances and keeps our eyes on the major goals we have, while at the same time, being open to the need for adaptation and adjustment of our goal-reaching strategy. It keeps an eye on our potential mate, their strengths, weaknesses and resources, so that we can truly join forces toward a goal.

 BACK TO INTELLECTUAL ATTRACTION

A simple system of looking at personality styles as growing out of one's innate temperament, and of which there are only four types: Kings or Queens, Warriors, Magicians, or Lovers. These are based on the three fundamental aspects of behavior and psychological function: the emotions, the intellect, and our maturity of decision-making.

The first two - emotional style and intellectual style - form two axes which cross, showing all possible current functioning in these two areas, and whose average function reveals one's base temperament. However, it is dynamic, where one can grow more mature over time (in terms of the wisdom of making constructive, Win/Win decisions), moving from the outer reaches of the circle graph in which the two axes exist (and which pertains to one's higher level of narcissism, or immaturity), toward the center of the circle (where maturity, balance, and a well-rounded skill at both emotional processing and intellectual processing exist.)

In this system, opposites attract and make for better friendship and partnership, by way of complementary personalities, emotion and intellect. As such, Kings and Queens are good matches for Magicians, and Warriors are good matches for Lovers. Those matches for partnership and friendship which are abutting each other on the diagram make for either a good intellectual match or emotional match, but not both, and those paired who are of the very same temperament or personality style set themselves up for competition and narcissistic gratification and narcissism in how they treat each other (Kings and Queens are terrible matches, as are Lovers and Lovers, Warriors and Warriors, and Magicians with Magicians.

This system has a basis in the more logical, rational use of the ideas of Galen the physician and philosopher, who say there being four types of personality in the Phlegmatic, Choleric, Sanguine, and Melancholic personalities, which roughly correlate with Kings or Queens, Warriors, Magicians, and Lovers. In the system, then, these are sometimes referred to with reference to Galen as Phlegmatic Kings and Queens, Choleric Warriors, Sanguine Magicians, and Melancholic Lovers.

This is the unconscious process of taking negative feelings or instincts originally directed towards others, but which are in violation of one’s morals or character - for example, “hating” a dying grandfather - and redirecting them at oneself: pain, illness, and anxiety. It is exemplified by sayings such as, “I make myself sick.”

Somatization highlights the concept of the reptilian brain’s relation to control of the body, in that, if instincts are bursting out into the psyche and beyond, into the social environment, since they also control the body, it makes sense that they could, as an alternative direction, simply be unconsciously, unwittingly redirected back into the body. This then, might for a time, theoretically, relieve the psyche of the conflict and uncomfortable emotion. Take note that it is the same kind of modality of mental processing as that of conversion, but is in a maturity class higher.

For example, when you are in a relationship in which there is pain or resentment, that could be against your wishes consciously to bring out in a fight right now, since the marriage ceremony is about to take place, or the baby is about to be born. You might find that you or your partner now develops an inexplicable pain in the stomach or somewhere else in the digestive tract at this time.

It is an interesting concept to know of, that when we are fetuses, our brain develops out of the same original tissue as the gut, called ecotoderm. As a result, both gastroenterologists and neurologists the world over find that what medicines and disease processes affect the brain - for example, both major depression and the medicines in the Prozac family - also affect the gut functioning. And what affects the gut - for example, Crohn’s Disease - also may have behavioral ramifications not just emerging from the stress of having an illness - for example, developing depression.

When it comes to the unconscious, the reptilian brain and the “id,” what affects the body, affects the brain, and what affects the brain, affects the body.

BACK TO IMMATURE EGO DEFENSES

It is turning people against each other, with the good and bad in people split off and unintegrated, then projected onto someone else. The person sees “all-good” and “all-bad” in others, with no room for ambiguity and ambivalence.

Films depicting a character with Borderline Personality Disorder, such as Wicker Park, and Rose Byrne’s character who purposely causes a rift between Josh Hartnett’s Matt character and Diane Kruger’s Lisa is showing us splitting at its most definitive. When "splitting" is combined with "projecting", the undesirable qualities that one unconsciously perceives oneself as possessing, one consciously attributes to another.

This is a very bad thing to encounter in a date, and they are not going to be a candidate as a mate anytime soon, either.

It’s subtle when you encounter it, because the person might not begin the interaction by describing you in derogatory terms. Instead, you may find yourself feeling very uncomfortable with praise that is being heaped on you. One would think this to be an enjoyable thing, but it is not. There is an ungenuine spirit to the person’s admiration of you, which is in part because you are likely picking up on their focus on how similar they are to you in all your glory.

One can tell how artificial the words of praise are, and how it is that it is very likely in the near future that they actually spill to the opposite in their opinion of you. You can feel it in your bones that they will be just as quick to hate you for the same lack of reason with which they had been praising you a moment ago. Which makes it all the more likely that they will shift views of you, and tarnish your reputation, if not your deepest sense of self and identity. The good and bad in the person have been projected out onto you and others, so that the original person may continue to go about surviving the conflict, and stable.

BACK TO PRIMITIVE EGO DEFENSES

Stagnation is an deficit of adaptation to the world around us, and adaptation is a major gift of the virtue of Philosophy. And so Stagnation is the deficit of Philosophy. A person who is "a lump on the couch" or on the more positive, "in a rut" in terms of how they approach goals. It's hard to get them to pursue their own goals, let alone concoct JOINT life's goals.

Philosophy as a virtue, is composed of curiosity and maturity, and so the excess of it turns us toward a kind of voracious curiosity that actually is detrimental and immature to ever getting to our goals. Whereas the virtue of Philosophy in its curiosity contributes to us being adaptable to the changes in our environment by seeing challenges coming our way and seeing the possible strategies to solve them, the maturity in our philosophy also causes us to be adaptable by actually having the psychological balance and resources to solve those challenges. As a result, Stagnation is harmful to the individual, and to the relationship, in its pathological narcissism and immaturity.

RETURN TO CHARACTER COMPATIBILITY

Romance has to start somewhere. There is an encounter between two people, and something causes them to take notice of each other. In times past, people said, "Boy Meets Girl" as a description of the beginning of a romantic novel or film. Perhaps today, it should be called, "Girl Meets Boy." Whatever we call this first scene of the first act of the play of romance, it most certainly is the beginning of a story between two people, who might just have a chance at finding love together.

One of the objectives of Romantic Dynamics is to show you how science informs this story between two people. How story meets science, and science meets story. One thing is for sure, though, the first moments of this particular kind of story do not begin with words, but with a feeling, and the sight of a person, and a spark of passion and charisma that is instantaneously lit between them.

Courtship, or the step by step development of a romantic story between two people, is a dance for two, where there will be something that a woman does, a step she takes, and then something that the man does, his step that keeps them together and in harmony. In Step 1 of Courtship, the words to describe these two steps of the dance, are "beauty" and "mystery." This is Step 1 of human courtship: "Boy Meets Girl," or "Beauty and Mystery." It contains that one, special moment of meeting, the magic moment that will forever change two peoples' lives.

The romantic features of Step 1 of Courtship have to start off the first phase of courtship, which is Sexual Attraction. This is not to say that desire and lust are all there are to romance, just that if there is not a spark of passion to begin things, the relationship - should one develop - may end up being just a Platonic friendship, or a sort of business partnership, not a romance.

Since we are in the instinct-based part of the mind, the "reptilian brain," we are essentially nonverbal, physical, and relying on the five senses for the first stirrings of romance, in the Sexual Attraction Phase of Courtship. The woman shows up in the vicinity of a man, or men, and certain things that she does, physically, appeal to them. The way she moves, something about her appearance that is not merely based in her adornment with attire or cosmetics, but much more so in the look in her eye, until she centers on just one man who is most interesting to her.

This can be seen in innumerable first meetings of the characters of great films, in Breakfast at Tiffany's, and in the very first moments of the opening scene of the film, Closer. Unforgettable scenes in unforgettable films. How much more are these moments of life given gravity and meaning when we actually get to live them out, in our own imperfect ways. When we do love a film, it is the weakness and imperfection that captures us, such as the folly of Jude Law's character in Closer (2004 film)

These opening moments of the drama must capture our attention, allow us to experience a memorable place, to see it, sense it, and feel a theme to what is to come. What appeals even more to us all, than a "perfect" movie scene of romance is the decidedly uncinematic imperfection with which we meet our potential mate in the real, everyday world. It is even more charming, more alluring to make a mistake as a human being interested in finding love. To be nervous, afraid to strike up a conversation, when it really isn't even about conversation at all, at first.  The first meeting of romance is one in which we find ourselves sensing something about another person, rather than describing it in words.

It is the world's best mystery story that we get to actually participate in. All the better that it is our very real lives that form the stage for it.

A film must introduce the most important character, the main character, you, and it must introduce one other character who will most influence, resist, block, support, or in some way, utterly alter the life of that main character, and they both know it. Yet for us to join science with story in order to find practical guidance for the loves of our actual, real lives, we need to turn to some stories that carry the validity of science insofar as there being a universality, a durability over time, and which speaks to the needs of, and solutions for, a wide variety of people in human situations occurring throughout history. To those ends, the stories of the ancient Greeks, and their plays about gods and goddesses will serve us well.

If you were to browse the main site articles of Romantipedia in the "Boy Meets Girl," or "Beauty and Mystery" section, you would find answers as to how to be most successful at this very first step of romance, both in a way informed by literature about the human condition, and in a way that stays true to what we are starting to see come out in the science research of today's investigators into the process of human courtship.

In the story of the most beautiful woman in the world, and the world's most intriguing man, the Temptation of Paris, from the ancient Greeks, we find the young character from the Trojan War, Paris, choosing the "beauty" of Helen as his ultimate prize. She is offered to him in marriage, by one of the most powerful goddesses, Aphrodite, who of course, represents the deep, instinctual feminine nature of women when it comes to this first step of courtship. For our purposes, the goddess of the story, Aphrodite, does not merely represent the feminine nature of a woman's physical beauty, but what it is about the physicality of femininity that is alluring to men, and commences the process of courtship for them in the first place.

How women conduct themselves physically, and in flirtation, causes men to compete with each other for their attention, and we see men respond to this with a mysterious air that satisfies the most primitive, instinctual drives in women to want to know more, to "solve the mystery" expressed by the man. This is exemplified in such folklore as the story of Bluebeard, the fabled French noble, and in tales of the Greek gods, Hermes (the messenger, communicator and trickster), and Eros (the god of love and desire.)

For our purposes, the most important traits or actions for women and men to have or take in Step 1 of courtship, are "beauty" and "mystery."

A man and woman need to offer each other the promise of a story worth reading, and a potential mate worth learning and discovering more about.

The science that will bring them together successfully in this first step of romance will have to do with a polarity between the masculinity and femininity of the two people, where gender instincts of the feminine instincts interact with the masculine instincts, seen in the stories of Aphrodite and Ares, Psyche and Eros, Hermes, Hestia, and other stories such as that of Theseus and Ariadne.

This first step begins a fantasy story that will eventually become more everyday and real over time, with the courtship steps to follow, but the goal of the whole phase - Sexual Attraction - will be to discover and start to interact with those people who, for you, spark the most passion and excitement. Feelings that cause you to feel more alive and full of vitality. Feelings that, if you are a man, cause you to feel even more masculine for being near her, and if you are a woman, cause you to feel even more feminine for being near him.

You can learn more about this first process by reading the articles on Step 1: "Boy Meets Girl," or "Beauty and Mystery" or you may learn about the next step of romance, called "Step 2," or "Ladies and Gentlemen."

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Where Step 1 of Courtship was about getting each other's attention, Step 2 is about having decided that a particular individual is of interest, preferred above other candidates, to want to get to know them more.

In Step 2 of Courtship, it is time for the man and woman to "let each other know that they are liked and preferred." This is not to be done verbally, at least outright, because it would dispel the mystery and passion that they just created in Step 1. But since we are still in the area of the mind that governs the body - the "reptilian brain" - it falls on the two individuals to notice the body language and the indirect alluding in conversation that shows how much they are starting to like each other.

Both of these - the body language and "reading between the lines" of conversation - get manifest primarily in the form of acting "maternal" and "paternal" to each other. This is the step of courtship where in times past, a man and woman might call each other, "Baby," and the reason for this precise term might now make sense. It is a chance to "show one's wares," should the relationship progress, to see how one might occasionally lean on the other person for fatherly and motherly support and kindness, for comfort and protection, the very act of which shows the other person vividly that they are indeed preferred over other males or females.

Who doesn't treat their own child with the lavish praise, acceptance and preference over other children who are not their own? This step not only previews, "How I will be treated in the relationship," but also, "How my children (and property, finances, welfare) will be treated," by the prospective partner. It is a preview of there being more than just passion or desire for each other, but love, itself, too, the ultimate love being from a parent to a child.

Not that we are children. It's just that occasionally in a relationship, we will need to lean here and there on each other, especially as equal partners someday. That's what partners can be expected to do.

This idea is not just about a preview of love, however, it is still about desire - after all, we are still in the first Phase of Courtship, called Sexual Attraction. But there is a different kind of desire at play here, and something primitive - the desire to be wanted, to be protected, a feeding of the "Survival Instincts" that all human being have, which are a form of desire too. The desire to live, and live well, to be treated well, to have one's vitality supported. And so this step is also a preview of how much care and feeding" we can expect to get from our partner - a function that as children, ourselves, our actual parents gave us, but in adult life, we will still occasionally need from a partner.

When women fantasize about "finding a hero" in a man, or men fantasize about "having a muse" to inspire them, these "demigod"-like functions are not actual magic or miracles in the potential partner. But our fantasies at this early phase feed our interest and desires for the other. It is the time that has been called, "limerance," or the act of "falling in love" that we are talking about, where fantasy blends with the actuality of the other person to make them far more appealing than any other mate could be.

It is in this step of courtship, where we might notice the first glimmer of similarity to our own opposite-sex parent, whose virtues and vices gave us a very unique template by which to compare every potential mate we meet. It won't be refined at this stage - the knowledge of just how similar they really are to our beloved mother or father. But being around them will "just feel right."

While many psychologists speak of the effect of our opposite-sex parent on our mate choices, with the word, "attachment," as being a "familiarity," our aim is to show you just what that term, "familiar," really means in romance. At this early part of dating, Step 2, it will be vague, but emotionally and spiritually will feel like "being home" or "at home" with our new date. Specifically, we will at least know that we are "preferred" over other men or women, and that we vaguely feel "well-taken-care-of" by the other person - in a way that if we are truthful, will feel a bit "fatherly" or "motherly" in a pleasant, satisfying way.

Of importance, every relationship, especially in terms of sexuality, must start at some point with physical touch, physical intimacy, yet there has always been confusion about just when, where and how that occurs. This is the step of courtship where that first physical contact feels right to both people, and it is not invasive, hostile or sneaky in any way. If it is right, then it is both "courteous touch," such as a handshake of greeting, or a hug of togetherness, or a "high five" of celebration. But whatever it is in the context you examine it, should feel like the warmth, protection, respect, and admiration with which a mother cradles her son, or a father holds his young daughter's hand. Tender, and loving.

When we turn to the ancient Greek stories for instruction on this, we ought to immediately think of the maternal and paternal godheads of Mt Olympus, Hera and Zeus, the married mother and father of all the other gods.

Hera, the goddess of leadership and owner of all the property of the world, with rule over it, is married to Zeus, the chief male god of Mt Olympus. Together, they as the ultimate matriarch and patriarch of the ancient Greeks, represent the two gender instincts involved in Step 2 of Courtship, "Ladies and Gentlemen," which is about treating each other with the preferential kindness that might be called, "maternal," for the feminine instinct called, the "Hera Instinct," and the other, called, "paternal," for the masculine instinct called, the "Zeus Instinct."

You can learn much more about this step in the whole series of deep lessons on it, at the main site articles of "Ladies and Gentlemen."

This is then, the Step of Courtship where both of the potential partners maintain the mysterious allure and passion of that initiatl spark of Step 1, but also clue each other in to how preferred they are by each other. This additional, loving, tender aspect added to the passion they are starting to feel, constitutes the "limerance" that many psychologists discuss - the act of "falling in love," which contains the "magic" and fantasy of idealizing the other partner, feelings of desire, yearning, and tender, caring feelings all in one.

Like all three of these steps of Sexual Attraction, which work together to secure the exclusive desire for the other person, the core principle is that of amplification of the masculinity for the man and femininity for the woman. In addition, as we go through these first three steps, we find the couple developing a sense of more and more "exclusivity" in the partner as a source of this amplification. In other words, no other man will do quite as much for her sense of passion and vitality, and no other woman will do, in terms of how excited to be alive her feels, specifically near her.

These aspects of the gender instincts need not be confused with the variety of temporary, "fashionable" ways that society views "what masculinity SHOULD be" or "what femininity SHOULD be." We are not talking about temporary "roles" in society or the family that men and women take in any given decade, but rather how it is that a man or a woman find specific actions, behaviors, preferences, beliefs and goals about themselves and the world to be invigorating, energizing, "full of life" and vitality, as well as excitement. It is that which makes them feel "more alive," full of "life force," to use the term coined by Freud, "libido." Which has of course been applied to one's sexual appetite, but means far more than that. Libido is the energy of feeling alive and thriving.

There will be many times in courtship where a woman socializes in a way which builds this libido sense of herself, where she gets attention, but not by a specific man. And many times where men do the same, feeling more alive and charismatic through throwing one's self into the social arena. These are people who are interested only in doing Step 1 at the time, and may be considered, simply, "flirtatious." These actions need not be taken as an insult to anyone with specific dating interest, but rather, something to be aware of that people do. Yet, in Step 2, we find the first clues in the behavior of the other, that we are specifically preferred, and that the person may be open to more than just having fun in a social setting.  It will then, take Step 3, to give us proof positive that yes, we have a potential exclusivity with each other in the near future, and may enjoy going on some dates together.

What will be key in this process, is the spotting of pathological narcissism, which is selfish. If only one person experiences an amplification of their masculinity or femininity to the detriment of the other person, then they are out for a good time, and their own self-betterment, not up for the process of courtship. Courtship is a balanced, two-way street, where the goal is the exclusive, mutual amplification of the partners' masculinity and femininity.

A man and woman need to offer each other the promise of a story worth reading, that they will be the exclusive source of feeling more alive than one feels, alone as a single, and that they are a potential mate worth learning and discovering more about.

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If all three steps of Sexual Attraction are geared toward exclusively amplifying two peoples' masculinity and femininity in a way exclusive to each other, then how is it that we are to prepare to move on to the deeper parts of the relationship where sexuality is less in the foreground?

After all, many a man and woman have been "flirtatious," but not all that serious about more exclusive and committed relationships. What we see in the field of Evolutionary Psychology also attests to the different "reproductive strategies" found in the instincts of the two genders among mammals, including humans. For men, there are literally billions of gametes, sperm cells, over the lifetime that could contribute to offspring, where the total number of gametes for a female is somewhere on the order of 200-300, the total number of menstrual cycles in a reproductive lifetime. This means that there is going to be a naturally evolved, strategic difference in these ancient instincts when it pertains to reproduction and sex.

In the masculine instincts, that plays out as a tendency to be physically attracted to many different females over the lifetime (if a male sires numerous children by numerous women, then his genetic material gets passed on to far more offspring.) And in feminine instincts, a high standard for quality in a mate makes more sense as a successful strategy, since so much of her physical and psychological resources goes into each, individual child she were to have. This then plays out in a high selectivity on her part, early on, before the actual sex act could possibly take place.

Translation? In men's instincts, they are not sexually as choosey over a mate with whom to have sex (although they might have high standards of character in a mate with whom they will commit for life.) For women, they are very choosey in selecting a mate early on, before sex, with an expectation of commitment on the partner's part if they are to find themselves wanting to have sex and doing so.

This means that there needs to be a very vigorous "cross-checking" the quality of a man by the woman, before a full sexual attraction (and sex itself) are realized. Such a process will be the major topic of the final step of Sexual Attraction, Step 3.

In the end, the relations of the genders and their power in the relationship must be harmonious and as equal as possible. In this first, early phase of courtship, Sexual Attraction, the power tips entirely toward women. They have the final decision and assessment of the sexuality of the relationship and whether sex will take place. And we aren't just talking sociology here, but biological imperative, as ancient as humans are ancient.

In the balance of power between men and women, one might say that if a woman's core self is in part contained in the sanctity of her body, then surrendering to sex is of the highest order in terms of "giving of one's self" to another person in love. For men, whose sense of core self is unconsciously, instinctually, centered in the "fruits of his labors," of in his career progress, men don't care nearly with instinct as much about potential harm to their bodies, as they do to the results of the labors of the use of their bodies.  They will need every ounce of this core self to devote to the sustenance and protection of an eventual family and spouse, in how their instincts inform them, regardless of whether their wife happens to be a high powered CEO or entertainment icon. Men "give of themselves" through their labor, not their bodies in and of themselves.

As a result, there are unconscious expectations on the part of both genders from a reproductive, strategic instinctual standpoint: if the woman surrenders to sex, there is an expectation that the man is likely to remain in her life, and grow alongside her in the romance, possibly for the long-term.  If a man supports and provides in the long-term to a wife and family, regardless of their relative income, his sacrifice carries an expectation for her, that she remain loyal to him, and supportive of his masculine efforts, including the expectation that he will continue to be loved and desired.

This gender difference in expectations is not literally, "sex for money," but rather, in the profound value of "core self" that one invests in a relationship that both expect to last. The sense of what core self draws on for feeling passion for life, differing between the genders. We see this difference in every department store product display on the planet - that what thrills women and men are very different things.

There happens to be an answer from history and literature that unifies with what we see in science research between the genders and their investment behavior. There was a "third goddess" in the story of the Temptation of Paris - in which the competition among three goddesses for the attention of the most successful, handsome, reknown man on earth, who was Paris of Troy.  While Aphrodite offered "Beauty" in the form of marriage to Helen of Troy, the most beautiful woman in the world, and the face that launched a thousand ships," and Hera offered him "dominion over all the world," in the form of success and property (which feeds the male soul through career accomplishment and resources that elevate his status as a man), it was Athena who offered Paris, "victory in every battle" he was ever to fight - "being a winner," top status as a man and a winner.

Her offering needs to not be forgotten from among the three, because it too, both amplifies the masculinity of a man, but also requires that he compete and rise to a certain standard, to "be worthy" of such a prize and status.

Athena, the goddess of war, was known to put men under the microscope in this way, judging the merits of one warrior over another and one army over another, eventually favoring one, and assisting that party to victory. It is then the Athena Instinct in women, judge of a man's level of masculinity, "how much of a winner" he is at being a man, and another goddess of the same spirit, Artemis, who was the "night huntress," also known as Diana to the Romans, and whose gift was that of keen observation and hunting, judging and acquiring one's prize as a woman, even in the pale light of the night, when the surrounds of the environment are not so clear to the eye.

The Artemis Instinct may then be the instinctual nature of women to judge accurately in chaotic or unclear situations, in the case of romance, to judge a man's merits not in terms of brute masculinity level (of "being a winner"), but in the refinements of character maturity and friendship potential with her, evidence of his capacity to commit to a long term partnership, with ethics, and virtue, and wisdom of his own. In non-romantic life, you might even say that Artemis contributes to a woman's keen sense of value in the consumer spending market, our model for comparison of "reproductive value" that we were just talking about - the "treasure hunter instinct" or the "shopping instinct."

The combination of what we are dubbing the Athena Instinct with the Artemis Instinct are the perfect pairing to support what the Evolutionary Psychologists were saying about relative numbers of gametes and differing reproductive strategies. The Athena Instinct helping a woman feel the move from just flirtation and fatherliness in the man, to how powerful it would be to align with a man as husband. The Artemis Instinct might help a woman take what she learned of his fatherliness in Step 2, into knowing the kind of character maturity he is likely to have in the long term, as an actual father to her children and as a husband who has the endurance to go on for life as a mate. It is a double checking or assurance that the little clues she received about him in Step 2 are bona fide and accurate before we move on to more exclusive dating, friendship and love, which carry far more psychological investment than just a sexual connection or physical intimacy.

In fact, as we move from early dating, into exclusive dating and friendship, and then to committed partnership and possibly marriage, the stakes get higher for both genders through the three phases. Commitment becomes very serious, and untold investment has taken place at this point between them. It will be there, in the third phase of courtship, the Intellectual Attraction, in its final step, where men have the power of discrimination. Where, just before committing for life, to proposing marriage, the man must come back to these same principles of assessing character maturity in the woman. And so where women, biologically, hold all the power of sexuality in choice of a mate, men hold all the power, biologically, of commitment in choice in a mate.

You can learn much more about this step in the whole series of deep lessons on it, at the main site articles of "Winning and Losing."

This is then, the Step of Courtship where one must compete with other men for the love or the attention of the same woman. For her part, she needs to screen out the men who are not qualified for her, not a good match, not sociable together or compatible, and so she 'tests' the man for both his masculinity and his character, with the Athena Instinct and the Artemis Instinct.

The man who rises above other men of interest to her, in terms of masculinity and character, is then, the "winner" in her view, and is qualified to now move on into a growing friendship and love with her, not just physical attraction. They may then start to date, or eventually become exclusive in dating.

A man and woman need to offer each other the promise of a story worth reading, and a potential mate worth learning and discovering more about. With the end of the testing of this step on the part of the woman, if she finds the man to be masculine, and to be a "winner" with high character maturity, then she relaxes and becomes satisfied that he may be a "keeper," someone with whom to date more regularly or even exclusively.

It is then, that we will move on to a whole new step of romance, called Emotional Attraction, which is the same as starting a friendship together, now that sexual desire is secure and unique to just this one other, special person in all the world.

As we move on to Emotional Attraction and the courtship, Step 4, we need to remember that sexual attraction does not compel a couple to have to actually engage in the sex act. That may occur at any level of romance. However, if it does happen, it will feel right for the couple at this juncture. Regardless, though, even if they don't actually engage in sex, the desire that they feel for each other is quite complete at this point. Holding back still further for a bit may even help them cross the bridge fully, into the phase of friendship and love, the Emotional Attraction Phase.

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For Step 4, Finding Value in Each Other, the couple already does have a physical attraction caused by the polarity of their masculinity and femininity, however, that is a different process in the mind than friendship. And so we explore the basic principles that compose friendship and where we stand on them.

We have just left Step 3 of Courtship, the final step in the very first phase of human courtship, the "Act I" of our love story called, "Sexual Attraction."

You will recall that women hold all the power of deciding whether the romance will continue after that phase, because from an evolutionary and biological perspective, they have much to lose if they do not screen the man for traits of mature character. These same virtuous traits form the basis of a stable and lasting friendship, even when we are not talking about the area of romance.

We enter this new phase of courtship with the knowledge that we do have a sense of vitality and passion in being around the other person, but this is not the same thing as love or friendship. Rather, it is "desire" or "lust," which can be fleeting things that can evaporate from our lives as quickly as water from our hands.

For love to have a chance of lasting, we need something to "contain" that initial spark of passion, to bouy it when our attention for the prospective partner falters, or when we get distracted by the ordinary stresses of life that intrude on our blissful state of fantasy, and our "limerance" is fractured by the demands of today's world.

Rather than romantically subsisting on desire for a mate, alone, we must start to learn about how our social interactions can generate, not masculinity or femininity, but simple happiness in being together. Happiness is a synonym for friendship and for love, and when we feel it on account of another person's presence and actions in our lives, we come to place "value" on them, and become "valuable," ourselves.

This is the essence of the first step of this new phase of courtship, Emotional Attraction. That we learn what makes us valuable to others (the amount of happiness we give them), and what makes them valuable, and therefore, "lovable," to us, which is how happy they make us.

You can learn much more about this step in the whole series of deep lessons on it, at the main site articles of "Finding Value in Each Other."

Friendship is defined in the Romantic Dynamics model as "consistent, mutual, shared positive emotion," which is similar to the model Aristotle established so long ago. If we have these four parts operating between us as a couple, it is very likely we can form a lasting friendship.

Friendship is synonymous with other terms that mean the same thing: positive emotion. Happiness is what is shared between friends, and that is positive emotion. Self-esteem is what is amplified by friends, mutually, and that is positive emotion, or happiness. Self-esteem is what we all get out of a friendship and what literally causes us to value our friends, and ourselves. And so learning to assess what we value, how "valuable" we are socially, and romantically, and how valuable others are to us, is the task of Step 4.

If any of the four elements of friendship (or love) are missing or derelict in the friendship, then it is possible to fail in the romance with this person. If two or more are missing, then it is very likely to fail.

To remain as friends, and capable of loving each other, we must maintain "consistency," the tendency to always have a stable nature that the other can count on, "mutuality," which is a fairness to the relationship, where neither potential partner is "leaning" too much, too often on the other, in an imbalanced, and therefore unfair way. The work and resources of the relationship, then need to not tilt hard, only to the benefit of one over the other (which would be narcissistic on the dominant friend's part.)

The friendship must be "shared," meaning that it can neither be "long-distance" and separated by geography, or other barriers to in-person, shared experiences, such as not having enough time, or the funds to be able to be near each other, or to do interesting activities that promote growth.

And finally, the friendship must have a "positive" energy to it, more optimistic than pessimistic; for, while many friendships form over a common enemy, or over some other negative thing, like the "toxic workplace" we both may work in, these friendships are doomed to splinter apart. The very nature of friendship and love is one where there is more positive emotions in being together, than alone.

One of the great things about friendship is that it is voluntary, but we find ourselves pursuing it, and specific people, because we notice how consistently, mutually, fairly, and conveniently they share their positivity with us. Friendship is easy, and better than being alone.

Which is why a second definition of friendship comes from the evolutionary psychology concept of "reciprocal altruism," or "you scratch my back, I scratch yours." It means that we "like those who like us," because that reciprocity benefits us all. You never know when you may need a "helping hand."

We also find that we benefit the most in friendship from similarities of interest, concern, beliefs and goals. In other words, if we were to see an overlay of "liking someone" (which pertains to the intellect) on top of "loving someone" (which pertains to the emotions), then:

"We like those who like us, and we like those who are like us."

Which is to say that friends, at baseline, benefit each other emotionally, but they may also find within what they share, to be the preconditions to actually teaming up for the purpose of working together on a goal. (This will be the aim of friendship in moving into the next, and final phase of courtship, the Intellectual Attraction that causes partners to be more successful at goals together than they were, alone and single.

Friendship doesn't require high intelligence, nor does it demand perfect similarity in our beliefs or goals, but those are helpful. One can have a true friendship with their pet dog, for example, where there is not even a complex, spoken language. Friendship can technically be shared between any two mammals, even of different species, because all that is required is the shared emotion of happiness, which naturally raises our sense of self-esteem.

Self-esteem is raised by love, and love, friendship, value and self-esteem are all synonyms. We love our dog, and we even love inanimate objects such as our automobile, simply because they increase our happiness.

For humans, the "highest mammals," friendship (and love) are on a spectrum of quality, from ordinary acquaintances, all the way up through "best friendship."

As humans, we find that the more we work on our character maturity, the higher the quality of friendships we find. Working on Observing Ego sees us spotting problems and changing them, then having no regrets in the future. Working on the personal boundary makes us more consistent and predictible, able to shield ourselves from stress, and the other person too. Our boundaries when paired with ethics, or conscience, makes us "fair," and both the boundary and our ability to be mature with emotions makes us less stressful to others, as well as more optimistic in our own lives.

These are all ways of raising your value and recognizing value in others (they make each other happy.) But to be durable and lasting in a friendship or partnership, we have to have methods of dealing not just with how we feel and behave, internally, but also for dealing with the external environment that is sure to have stress - the opposite of self-esteem, friendship and love.

And so we will need to learn about that kind of scenario - stress - and how to handle it, in the very next step, Step 5, "Finding Stress in Each Other," to come next.

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For Step 5, "Finding Stress in Each Other," we learn that there is an opposite to Self-esteem, called Stress, which comes form the environment or from each other. It is negative emotion, and takes the form of Hurt or Loss.

We entered the second phase of courtship, Emotional Attraction, in Step 4, where we knew that desire between us was secure, but it became time to go on several dates, and make our vay to deciding whether we will become boyfriend and girlfriend, exclusively. In Step 4, we worked on ourselves in terms of promoting our own happiness, and the capacity to give that away to others, which is a way of defining friendship in the first place.

We also developed a sense of what makes us happy about other people, and estimated whether we "value" the other person, how much we do, and how much we are "valued." Which is to say, how much self-esteem the other person has, and how much self-esteem they cause us and amplify in us.

Now, in Step 5, we must address our emotional capacity as individuals (and a potential couple), for blocking or transforming the "enemy of self-esteem," which is "stress."

Stress is "negative emotional energy," which is something that usually comes at us from other people in two forms:

• A sense of emotional hurt, actions, words and behaviors that do destructive things to our own emotions and welfare, to deplete our two forms of self-esteem, which are well-being and confidence.
• A sense of emotional loss, in which actions, words and behaviors threaten us, take something from us without our permission, whether our resources of time, energy, money, or strength, or drain the corresponding positive emotional energy of self-esteem itself, which is called confidence.

The first order of the day in mastering Emotional Attraction, love and friendship, is of course, to at least not be a DIRECT source of stress toward our partner, or other people that they care about. We have to be on guard for the "gaslighting" effect, codependence, and pathological narcissism within them that may cause us to be confused: that the other person tries to convince us that we are "being stressful" simply by way of not giving the other person something that they want.

What helps us with this is understanding of the Personal Boundary. That if the other person is generally stressed by smaller things in life, they are actually the source of their own stress (not us), through the process seen in those with personal boundary function called "suffering," which is a wasting of one's energy and other resources that drain through "boundary holes."

Instead, we may also recognize that a high character person who "feels stressed by us," may be legitimately so, not out of their own poor boundaries, but by way of our own negativity, pessimism, narcissism or its accompanying selfishness on our part.

When we do the above, we are being a poor friend, and are not being loving at the current time.

You can learn much more about this step in the whole series of deep lessons on it, at the main site articles of "Finding Stress in Each Other."

When either of these get into us, they cause us unhappiness, which is the antithesis of happiness, love, friendship and self-esteem.

If Hurt gets into us, we get Anger as a result. If Loss gets into us, we get Anxiety as a result.

We therefore must learn how to handle the two kinds of stress as a couple, using the Anger Map and Anxiety Map in our Romantic Dynamics model.

In learning the details of these two "maps" of the two, prime negative emotions, we discover that if someone else's anger gets into us through our own boundary, we then feel sad or depressed, angry where we weren't before, and we may find that if their anxiety and fear creeps into us through our own poor boundaries, we feel fearful too, for them or for us, where we weren't before. Now the other person has "stressed us," and we feel stress, which is the opposite emotion from that of love or friendship.

Stress is, of course, something that may come from other people, from strangers, from our workplace, or from our own friends, and it is inevitable. Nonetheless, for a new and growing couple to survive, they will have to discover whether they can team up to stop this drain on their love and friendship, or risk "displacement," which is the blaming of one's stress from the outside world at large, on a partner, and gave error in romance.

Usually, the natural course of a couple making their way through a romance sees them first encounter a frustration, a need or want that one of them has trouble overcoming, and then there is anger to contend with. The dynamics of this is all laid out on the Anger Map.

The second kind of stressful challenge that a couple faces is an outside threat or threatened loss to one or both of them, grief or other forms of anxiety-provoking event. These don't occur that often in everyday life - a large bill in the mail, a lawsuit, a new health problem, job loss, or one or the other of them becoming victim of a crime or other physical or financial threat. For such events, we will make use of the Anxiety Map.

In Romantic Dynamics, we rely to some degree on Shakespeare, the master of human emotions in their rainbow spectrum of variety. These, to add a sense of story to our budding romance, since after all, romance does take a story structure to lend it humanity.

The Anger Map will show us how the two causes of anger are the stress of hurt, coming in at us from the outside, or else a sense on the inside, of inner needs that are going unmet. Once we are angry, we have three options: the passive option of getting sad or depressed with the anger, the active option that is destructive and narcissistic - called, "Aggression" - and the active, constructive, virtuous option called, "Assertiveness."

If a couple can learn assertiveness, they circle back to get their own personal needs met, and each others, resulting in a boost of self-esteem for them both in the feeling of more well-being, or satisfaction and comfort. This is one way in which, "what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger."  Such a couple can boost their friendship and love, by having methods of dispelling anger and hurt, to go get their needs met, and making for a stronger, more positive emotional connection - love and friendship.

The Anxiety Map will show us how the two causes of anxiety are the stress of loss (or threats), coming in at us from the outside, or else a sense on the inside, of a lack of confidence that we can handle risk, change or loss in life. Once we are anxious or fearful, we have three options: the passive option of getting impulsive or avoidant with the anxiety (sometimes getting into addictions), the active option that is destructive and narcissistic - called, "Masochism," or the "poor me," victimized attitude - and finally, the active, constructive, virtuous option called, "Courage."

If a couple can learn courage, they circle back to greater confidence through facing their fears together, and may learn to "en-courage" each other, resulting in a boost of self-esteem for them both in the feeling of more confidence, or the ability to withstand risk, change or loss.  This is other way in which, "what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger."  Such a couple can boost their friendship and love, by having methods of dispelling anxiety and fear, to go boost each others confidence, and again, making for a stronger, more positive emotional connection - love and friendship.

We learn that since anger and anxiety are the "master negative emotions," virtually every other kind of negative emotion, no matter the name, can be defeated. This is because all negative emotions tend to have a combination of both anger (or sadness), and anxiety in them. Anger and anxiety negate each other, and yet can be addressed and defeated, separately. Less troublesome emotions tend to have a relatively equal amount of anger and anxiety to them ("concern" "boredom" "annoyance" "hesitancy"), while more terrible emotions tend to either be more pure anger or pure anxiety in nature, whatever word we choose to call them ("rage" "terror" "disgust" "appalling" "consuming.")

This means that all a couple needs to do is to ardently study the Anger Map and Anxiety Map. They are then equipped to handle any variety of negative emotions or stresses that come up (and threaten to diminish their love and friendship.)

Step 4 showed us that we are valuable because we are happy and can make others happy. It showed us that we value the other person and want to explore friendship together, to see if it rises toward the level of exclusive dating and then possibly, partnership.

But Step 5 goes one level of friendship higher, that we can put our friendship and love to the test of withstanding stres together.

Step 5 will have us secure that we can handle most problems, emotionally, together, however the amount of effort and practice that takes will greatly differ among couples, based on their personalities.

We will have come a long way to cultivating the four aspects of friendship and love from Aristotle, but the one remaining part of our psychology that we can't alter or practice at is the same thing that marks the difference between average, mature friendships, and "best friendships" or what has been called, "soulmates."

The personality style and temperament. We will need Step 6 to assess the match between us, in the Social Personality System.

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The higher brain is the most conscious set of software in romance, and the intellectual attraction phase is most dependent on first, one's personal growth toward character maturity and virtue (Who I am), and then, on joining the best of one's virtues as a partner with complementary virtues that one may lack, constitutionally, or by way of having identified with the particular same-sex parent that one happened to be given as a newborn.

It is in this step that we need to survey and work on every aspect of our personal psychology of character maturity, to be sure that we are fit as valuable partners to another person in a romantic relationship. This one step of romance also offers us a "total makeover" in terms of the psychology of personal growth, and "success training."

We cover each, specific tool or skill of personal psychology here...

For example, we will learn of the core personal growth skill of Observing Ego, the Personal Boundary, the dynamics of the emotions in the Anger Map and Anxiety Map, as well as how to use conscience and intuition, or ethics and shrewdness in order to make wise decisions, finally joining them all together with our intellectual abilities with Education and Experience that are the source of success in our goals.

We will watch ourselves going from using more primitive and immature ego defenses as our social habits, to the neurotic ego defenses, and finally to the Mature Ego Defenses, which are essentially the same as Character Virtues.

Now we are fully ready to take on a partner, knowing that we have worked on our own virtues as successful partners while still in the single life. We are fully ready to be a partner, and to find one that we deserve.

Step 7 is a very, very large portion of your overall training and preparedness for full, lifelong romance with one person. Yet it is not new to you, the kind of advice your grandmother may have given you: "You have to know yourself to be with another person in love."  It is the fullest sense of self you can reach, through personal growth efforts to become a mature, virtuous person. And so in itself, Step 7 is a sort of "personal growth course" covering many of the features of how your conscious mind works and matures over time.

You can learn much more about this step in the whole series of deep lessons on it, at the main site articles of "Who I Am."

To be prepared to be a great partner to someone else, and if you have limited time and attention, you need to at least  work on two crucial tools or skills of psychology:

Observing Ego, or mindfulness, and Personal Boundary ability.

• Observing Ego is the ultimate personal growth skill, which is a bit like being your own personal growth coach, being self-aware and self-observant, as well as socially aware. It is the basis of why we call some people we meet, "Cool." A "cool person" is self aware and does the socially right things in the right way at the right time.
• Personal Boundary ability is the next universal personal growth task - perhaps the most important and closely aligned with being a mature, virtuous person - the workings of the Personal Boundary, with its "holes", "walls" and "doors," the most mature feature.

From there, we return to our emotions and how to get them more constructive and mature, more "win/win" in nature, which is the opposite of childishness and pathologic narcissism. We start to do more virtuous things with our emotions such as assertiveness and courage.

All along the way, we learn that more mature people cultivate wisdom with their decisions, and have ethics and also shrewdness, a kind of "worldly wisdom" that helps them make ever-more-accurate decisions, the kind that anyone would want in a partner for success.

We learn of the importance of balance in our psychological resources, and how to use them, guiding them with the intellect that is the part and parcel of the Higher Brain itself, and we grow education and experience in our left-brain and right-brain, in balance.

We unify many of these ideas with some standard models from psychology. For example, one existing way that psychologists can actually "measure" one's maturity level is by way of the psychodynamics of the "Ego Defenses," also called "defense mechanisms." We can look at these to see four levels of maturity - Primitive Ego Defenses, Immature Ego Defenses, Neurotic Ego Defenses, and finally Mature Ego Defenses. And yet on closer inspection, the last category, the Mature Ego Defenses are one and the same as the Virtues discussed by ancient philosophers.

And so we will use the term, "virtues," or "virtuous" to mean both what the philosophers were talking about, and also what modern researchers are finding.

Having done our best to reach the highest maturity of character and virtue that we can, we have done all we can to be a fit partner toward achieving success with another person. Both in our personal life's goals, and those we will form as a couple.

This technology need not only be exclusive to romance, but to any kind of collaborative effort between two people, even if the environment is a difficult one.

The items in this material of this step alone constitute an entire personal growth program used for the purpose of character maturity, called "MindOS." Like it sounds, it is the "operating system of the human mind."  As such, you can use the growth material here as a single person with no intentions at romance, or to prepare for a business partnership, or to propel you to success as a single person.

However, one of the major tenets of Romantic Dynamics is that the context of a romantic relationship offers us none other than the best possible environment for personal growth. Most of us learn the most about ourselves through this process, much like the music metaphor of a "Canon," or melody played repeatedly in countless variations, until it is fully explored. There is hope in this, and in breakups and divorce, that each person we are romantic with is a chance to learn about ourselves in this way, and to change and grow.

When we have  reached the end of the friendship phase, or the Emotional Attraction Phase of courtship, where love and happiness have maximized our mutual self esteem, and we may have been lucky enough to find ourselves with a personality opposite. This step is about going inside, alone, to prepare our maturity level for full partnership with another person, by having the mature character necessary to go for life with a person in romance.

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At this step, both partners have experienced desire, Sexual Attraction, dated, formed a friendship, been through some difficult stresses and the emotions they cause, in the Emotional Attraction Phase, and hopefully found that they have compatible personality styles on the Social Personality System. They are "best friends" or "soulmates."

They have even gone so far as to work on their own character maturity and virtue, to ready themselves for a full attempt at seeing if they are able to form a long term, committed relationship.

Now, in Step 8, we must learn of the strengths and weaknesses in each other's character, and find a second kind of compatibility, not in personality styles, but in the character virtues composed from the common traits we share, and the relationship skills we must have, in order to be the most successful team of partners we can be.

This is the step where we also get such individualized preferences in another person that it could only fit in the step of courtship where we are in the higher brain, where we are most unique as individuals. We had no choice over the parents we were given, and so the randomness of that fact needs to be accounted for. We all experience "attachment" to our opposite sex parent, with all their virtues and vices, in a way which influences who we get intellectually attracted to in adult life. We also go through "identification" with the same-sex parent for a head start on our virtues and vices, absorbing them from that parent in childhood, and reworking them to suit our personal identity before adulthood, in the teen years and young adulthood. This influences what we "telegraph" to others as an intellectual attractor for THEM.

You can learn much more about this step in the whole series of deep lessons on it, at the main site articles of "Who We Are."

At this point in the "higher brain," the most unique, individualized part of the mind, we must bring in an element of such randomness, what makes us, us as individuals. It is the particular parents we had, and their influence on our identity and eventual choices in a mate. Attachment and Identification will influence what we learn from our parents, both in terms of our identity as adults, and in our preferences in choice of a mate.

In addition, there are both Four Commonalities of Commitment that we must learn, in which the more similarity we have, the more likely we will make lasting partners at reaching success together toward goals. These are Intelligence, Maturity, shared Beliefs about life, and shared Life's Goals. If you have more than two of these very in common with your partner, that goes a long way toward keeping you together.

There are also Four Skills of Commitment which "stack" upon each other, and without which we cannot last as lifelong partners. These are also called "the 4 C's": Curiosity, Communication, Compromise, and Collaboration, which cannot be built and used except in that order, and which parallels one's maturity of character. The highest skill to build in a committed relationship is Collaboration.

As a way of striking the highest efficiency at assessing our relationships and finding the highest compatible partner, we may COMBINE the Four Commonalities of Commitment with the Four Skills of Partnership or Commitment, to make 16 "Cardinal Virtues" of a lasting, committed romantic relationships. While there are innumerable character virtues for people to grow at, these 16 character virtues happen to be the most potent and individualized ones for striking a perfect balance between the 4 things we must have in common, and the 4 skills that make us good partners.

In Romantic Dynamics, we call a good match of these 16 virtues, "Two-factor Authentication," for the two factors of "common traits" and "partnership skills" (the "4 C's".) The traits need to be "in common," meaning that we have similar intelligence, similar maturity level, similar beliefs and preferences, and similar life's goals.  The four Skills need to be as free of narcissism and as constructive and "win/win" as possible, too.

We solidify the uniqueness of our identities with the random inheritance of the traits of the particular same sex parent we happened to have (Identification), and the type of partner we learned to desire by way of character features in our opposite sex parent (Attachment), to reach ONE Master Virtue that we possess, and ONE Master Virtue that we seek in a partner, as the unique individual that we are.

Those who discover this one Virtue in themselves, and one in their partner, are especially lucky, blessed and persistent as far as romance goes.

This technology need not only be exclusive to romance, but to any kind of collaborative effort between two people, even if the environment is a difficult one.

We will need to steady ourselves with this knowledge, for the reason that it can be unsettling to go this far into investing in a courtship, only to find that there is some "non-starter," some incompatibility between us that can actually bring down all that we have shared.

However, we need to remember that we are human and imperfect, that even if you discover some major incompatibility in your character as a couple, one can still decide that they simply want "to make the relationship work." Doing so, you are agreeing to a whole lot more work than would be needed with a more compatible person. However, if you are willing to do work, then you are just willing to do work, to find the highest happiness you can with what you have to work with.

When we have reached the middle of the commitment and partnering phase, or the Intellectual Attraction Phase of courtship, where success and harmony have maximized the value of being successful partners. We now know, "Who I Am" as an individual, as well as "Who We Are" as partners.

What must come next is the actual testing for what happens when we actually go forward to take charge of living our dreams and accomplishing our most dearly held, personal life's goals, in Step 9, "Where We Are Going."

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The step by step process of mastering romantic skills and garnering needed psychological resources, in the course of finding a mate, through sexual attraction, emotional attraction, and intellectual attraction that occur in the reptilian, mammalian and higher brains of the mind, respectively.

The Three Phases of Courtship above can be attributed to the functions of the Reptilian Brain, the Mammalian Brain and the Higher Brain, respectively. There are three steps to each, which we can learn more about by examining each phase. They are like three acts of a play - a beginning, middle and end to the story of one's romance.

Each of these Three Phases of Courtship are divided into three steps for Sexual Attraction, three steps for Emotional Attraction and three steps for Intellectual Attraction.

On average, these nine steps mark two people's progress through the process of a romance as it matures from merely "dating," to becoming friends, boyfriend or girlfriend, and finally, into a committed, longer-term relationship. In this way, one can always know how advanced into an enjoyable, successful, and potentially lasting romance they have, based on the kinds of interactions, challenges, and issues that they are currently dealing with. The Romantic Dynamics process isn't simply linear, but rather, builds on foundations already laid. As a result, the nine steps tend to appear in a romance, in order, and yet are also like a blank template to fill out until it is complete, or a painting that is unfinished and to be worked on over time, or a building partially constructed, until all the working parts are in place.

Each step forms a series of lessons of its own that you can follow based on what it of most interest to you, or what you are struggling with or trying to improve, or to simply use the questions of the Virtual Advisor to work your way down to just the right step of courtship to study, and the right lesson in that step.

The Nine Steps of Courtship in Three Phases

PHASE 1: SEXUAL ATTRACTION ➳

Steps One Through Three. Desire, Passion and initial interest.

Why does all of human courtship start with Sexual Attraction?  Why not "friendship" or "love," or some sort of intellectual connection? Because romance parallels the way we grow and develop as individuals too, beginning with the most primitive or immature states, and working our way up in life, from there. The starting point is the Reptilian Brain, where the passions are felt, and where the instincts for survival, for masculinity and femininity reside.

We begin here, also, in the Reptilian Brain, because this part of the mind, as sets of instincts, also happen to be the most rapid, nonverbal triggers of the most rapid, natural, nonverbal, physical responses to a romance of budding potential. In other words, it happens first, in part, simply because it contains the most rapid neural pathways that respond to others in our environment.

In timecourse, this phase happens at first sight ("Boy Meets Girl") and extends usually on average, as long as one month, a reasonable enough length of time to start to get to know someone of dating interest, better. It is a condition in the potential relationship, at a time early on, revealing that passion exists between two people, and thaat both partners selectively feel more masculine and feminine, and therefore more passionate about being around each other.

We are here to learn about romance, not just Platonic friendship or collegiality, and so, if there is not masculinity, femininity and passion generated between two people at the outset, there is not going to be a romantic relationship formed. It is sexual, or it will eventually be called something other than romance, later.

You might be familiar with the Greek myth of Helen of Troy, the “face that launched a thousand ships.”  The legend says that Helen was the most beautiful woman in the world and queen to King Menelaus of Greece.  When the Trojan, Paris sweeps her off her feet, it leads to an epic and tragic war that claims the life of Paris.

Three goddesses came into conflict with each other, and decided to settle their differences, through the Temptation of Paris, offering their best gifts. We of course know that the beauty of the woman, Helen, as the most appealing of all, and so Beauty becomes the very first step of human courtship, Step 1, to which the man responds with an expression of mysteriousness, the nature of the god, Hermes, the god of communication (and a trickster) and of Eros, the god of love.

We may mine this ancient myth for psychological wisdom that is still useful today, by not ignoring the offerings of the other two goddesses, Hera, and Athena, the first of which offered Paris, "dominion over all the world,"which is essentially being granted special status and ownership of possessions and property, rank and territory.  Preferred status and mutual empowerment, then, form Step 2 of courtship and Sexual Attraction, where the man and woman let each other know that they are liked and preferred over other potential mates.

The gift of Athena offered to Paris was "the ability to win every battle," which is yet another kind of prize that appeals to men - that to feel total conviction and satisfaction in a romance, they need to have strived for something, and "earned it" or "won it." This forms Step 3 of courtship, and of Sexual Attraction, where the woman "tests" the man for his merits of masculinity, and of character to potentially be a long-term committed partner.

Step 1: Boy Meets Girl (Beauty and Mystery) ➳

Something has to start the connection between two people who will eventually find love. Since we are in the reptilian brained part of the mind, we are essentially nonverbal, physical, and relying on the senses for the first stirrings of romance.  From our story of the Temptation of Paris, from the ancient Greeks, we find the young character from the Trojan War, choosing the Beauty of Helen as his ultimate prize offered by the most powerful goddesses, which of course, represents the deep, instinctual feminine nature of women. How women conduct themselves physically, and in flirtation, causes men to compete with each other for their attention, and we see men respond to this with a mysterious air that satisfies the most primitive, instinctual drives in women to want to know more, to "solve the mystery" expressed by the man. This is exemplified in such folklore as the story of Bluebeard, and in tales of the Greek gods, Hermes (the messenger, communicator and trickster), and Eros (the god of love and desire.)

We need to not forget the other two gifts offered in our story, or else risk the eventual end of the relationship, because beauty cannot last, and neither can putting on an air of mystery last forever. A man who does this as his only action ends up being labeled "weird" or "creepy," instead of masculine and desirable, unless he recognizes where in courtship he stands, and moves on to the next step, once the two potential partners realize that they are liked by each other.

Step 2: Ladies and Gentlemen ➳

To today's couples, this would be like making the man feel special, and giving him respect, honor, and compliments, letting him know he is preferred over other men, not unlike "maternal" treatment. In kind, Hera was married to Zeus, who offered the same special treatment in return, known to often assist his followers in profound and powerful ways, to keep them safe, and to elevate their own status and fortunes. This is akin to a man offering "paternal" treatment in return, where both partners are letting each other know they are liked and admired. And so treating each other like "Ladies and Gentlemen," and the preference and honor given in such an interaction, forms Step 2 of human courtship (and Sexual Attraction.)

Step 3: Winning and Losing ➳

Athena, the goddess of war, was known to put men under the microscope in this way, judging the merits of one warrior over another and one army over another, eventually favoring one, and assisting that party to victory. This is then, the Step of Courtship where one must compete with other men for the love or the attention of the same woman. For her part, she needs to screen out the men who are not qualified for her, not a good match, not sociable together or compatible, and so she 'tests' the man for both his masculinity and his character. The man who rises above other men of interest to her, in terms of masculinity and character, is then, the "winner" in her view, and is qualified to now move on into a growing friendship and love with her, not just physical attraction. They may then start to date, or eventually become exclusive in dating.

PHASE 2: EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION ➳

Steps Four Through Six. Friendship, Love, and Best-friendship, with compatibility of the personalities.

Phase Two of Human Courtship is the same as Emotional Attraction, Friendship and Love. It is no longer based on passion and desire, but on shared happiness and higher self-esteem in each other's company. The psychology of the emotions are central at this point, and the psychodynamics of self-esteem and friendship bonds are crucial for the relationship.

This phase is divided into three "steps," just like the Sexual Attraction phase is, and in Romantic Dynamics, we call them, "Finding Value in Each Other," "Finding Stress in Each Other," and "Finding Completion in Each Other."

These three steps lead us through a formation of friendship together (or whether we are even compatible as friends with more than just passion, desire and sexual interest), into the challenges of stress that every potential couple faces, and finally to discovering whether we have what it takes to not just be "friends," but "best friends" or what has been colloquially been called, "soulmates," capable of a longer term relationship as successful partners.

By the end of this phase of courtship, we will have solid knowledge as to whether we should move forward with evaluating for a successful long term commitment.

Step 4: Finding Value in Each Other ➳

For Step 4, Finding Value in Each Other, the couple already does have a physical attraction caused by the polarity of their masculinity and femininity, however, that is a different process in the mind than friendship. And so we explore the basic principles that compose friendship and where we stand on them. Friendship is defined in our model as "consistent, mutual, shared positive emotion," which is similar to the model Aristotle established so long ago. If we have these four parts operating between us as a couple, it is very likely we can form a lasting friendship.

Friendship is synonymous with other terms that mean the same thing: positive emotion. Happiness is what is shared between friends, and that is positive emotion. Self-esteem is what is amplified by friends, mutually, and that is positive emotion, or happiness. Self-esteem is what we all get out of a friendship and what literally causes us to value our friends, and ourselves. And so learning to assess what we value, how "valuable" we are socially, and romantically, and how valuable others are to us, is the task of Step 4.

Step 5: Finding Stress in Each Other ➳

For Step 5, Finding Stress in Each Other, we learn that there is an opposite to Self-esteem, called Stress, which comes form the environment or from each other. It is negative emotion, and takes the form of Hurt or Loss.  When either of these get into us, they cause us unhappiness, which is the antithesis of happiness, love, friendship and self-esteem.  If Hurt gets into us, we get Anger as a result. If Loss gets into us, we get Anxiety as a result. We therefore must learn how to handle the two kinds of stress as a couple, using the Anger Map and Anxiety Map in our Romantic Dynamics model.

Step 6: Finding Completion in Each Other ➳

For Step 6, Finding Completion in Each Other, we have learned how to value each other in friendship and love, as well as how to counter the enemy of love, which is stress. But now we are reaching the pinnacle of friendship and love, that some have called, "Best Friends" or even "Soulmates."  For this task, we need to learn the four personality temperments of the Social Personality System, where opposite personalities make for "best friend" or "soulmate" partnerships. This leads to a natural giftedness at mastering the challenges of stress on one's happiness and shared love, and practically guarantees the compatibility emotionally, where almost effortlessly, two people have a natural tendency to always be building each other's self-esteem, or happiness. It also has overlap into giftedness at certain Character Virtues that make two people compatible in character in the next phase of courtship - Intellectual Attraction - where a focus on joint success at goals is paramount.

PHASE 3: INTELLECTUAL ATTRACTION ➳

Steps Seven Through Nine. Commitment, Teamwork, and Partnership.

Intellectual Attraction takes its name from the executive and intellectual functions of the higher brain, and is the last area of the minds of two people to truly integrate in their romantic lives, for a very good reason. If there was not first, passion, Sexual Attraction and desire online between them, there would be nothing to cause the root energy of their core selves - the masculinity and femininity - to have an enduring source of subsistence, to at least to be self-generating. This is the real cause of many a divorce, because without one's core power source, one can only go on so long before they are what many call, "spiritually bankrupt." Many people try to say that they had great conversation and an 'intellectual connection" long before they "developed feelings for each other," but that is not at all what we are talking about in the Commitment Phase of Courtship. Of course there is conversation during the process of early dating, but that is still the time period of the growing desire of the Sexual Attraction Phase. We do use all three parts of the mind at all times.

The Commitment Phase, or Intellectual Attraction is something more profound than that. It is an intertwining of life's goals to make joint goals, and the whole purpose of it is to assure success as a team of partners to get to those goals. If Intellectual Attraction came first in the three phases, then the two individuals would only be forming a partnership such as those seen in business or the professions, not a romance.

Intellectual Attraction also comes after the Emotional Attraction Phase, because mastery of the subconscious mind and its emotions are paramount to even hoping to form a solid and durable partnership that lasts. In other words, we need to be good friends if we are also to be partners in aiming for goals together, otherwise, the partnership will be very fragile, indeed. Not to mention that "love" is the exclusive domain of the Emotional Attraction Phase, and if there is not first, love, then it is not a romance. Again, it is just a business arrangement (which many marriages these days feel like), and you deserve better than that.

Many people try to say that they formed a friendship first, before "developing feelings for each other," sexually, but if that were true, then it would only be a Platonic friendship that was formed, not a romance once again. It is very unlikely for us to find Sexual Attraction for the first time, if we already are working in some other psychological mode together. We have already had the chance to develop what is an instantaneous attraction felt more in the body, nonverbally, than the intellect but have moved far beyond that, to form a non-romantic friendship or partnership instead. Yes, people who have ordinary friendships might have a brief fling of interest in each other sexually, but not from the solid groundwork that occurs for a full, lifelong romance which has organically grown from that first spark of desire.

Intellectual attraction also explains how it can be that two people "get along" and yet "the sex has died," or they have settled into more of a "companionate love," simply enjoying each other's company, with less of the animalistic passion. It explains why people who are no longer on as friendly terms, still stay together, with the love gone, but the routines of daily life in place. Hard to maintain, and prone to divorce eventually, but they stay together just because it's financially, socially, and personally enabling them to still meet their lifelong goals, even though the sex and even friendship has died.

Ideally, when we start from the start - the desire of Sexual Attraction, followed by the love and friendship of  Emotional Attraction, and finally, the success at joint goals of Intellectual Attraction, we have a three act play in its entirety, a full romance with every possible chance of going on, for life.

And so we must master steps 7, 8, and 9: "Who I Am," "Who We Are", and "Where We Are Going."

Step 7: "Who I Am": Character Maturity ➳

Step 7 is a very, very large portion of your overall training and preparedness for full, lifelong romance with one person. Yet it is not new to you, the kind of advice your grandmother may have given you: "You have to know yourself to be with another person in love."  It is the fullest sense of self you can reach, through personal growth efforts to become a mature, virtuous person. And so in itself, Step 7 is a sort of "personal growth course" in and of itself, covering many of the features of how your conscious mind works and matures over time.

To be prepared to be a great partner to someone else, you need to work on the ultimate personal growth skill, called Observing Ego, which is a bit like being your own personal growth coach, being self-aware and self-observant, as well as socially aware. It is the basis of why we call some people we meet, "Cool." A "cool person" is self aware and does the socially right things in the right way at the right time.

We also need to learn the next universal personal growth task - perhaps the most important and closely aligned with being a mature, virtuous person - the workings of the Personal Boundary, with its "holes", "walls" and "doors," the most mature feature.

From there, we return to our emotions and how to get them more constructive and mature, more "win/win" in nature, which is the opposite of childishness and pathologic narcissism. We start to do more virutous things with our emotions such as assertiveness and courage.

All along the way we learn that more mature people cultivate wisdom with their decisions, and have ethics and also shrewdness, a kind of "worldly wisdom" that helps them make ever-more-accurate decisions, the kind that anyone would want in a partner for success.

We learn of the importance of balance in our psychological resources, and how to use them, guiding them with the intellect that is the part and parcel of the Higher Brain itself, and we grow education and experience in our left-brain and right-brain, in balance.

We unify many of these ideas with some standard models from psychology, such as the psychodynamics of the "Ego Defenses," also called "defense mechanisms," of which there are four levels of maturity - Primitive Ego Defenses, Immature Ego Defenses, Neurotic Ego Defenses, and finally Mature Ego Defenses, which are also called the Virtues, by ancient philosophers.

Having done our best to reach the highest maturity of character and virtue that we can, we have done all we can to be a fit partner toward achieving success with another person. Both at our personal life's goals, and those we will form as a couple.

Step 8: "Who We Are": Compatible Character ➳

At this step, both partners have experienced desire, Sexual Attraction, dated, formed a friendship, been through some difficult stresses and the emotions they cause, in the Emotional Attraction Phase, and hopefully found that they have compatible personality styles on the Social Personality System. They are "best friends" or "soulmates."

They have even gone so far as to work on their own character maturity and virtue, to ready themselves for a full attempt at seeing if they are able to form a long term, committed relationship.

Now, in Step 8, we must learn of the strengths and weaknesses in each other's character, and find a second kind of compatibility, not in personality styles, but in the character virtues composed from the common traits we share, and the relationship skills we must have, in order to be the most successful team of partners we can be.

At this point in the "higher brain," the most unique, individualized part of the mind, we must bring in an element of such randomness, what makes us, us as individuals. It is the particular parents we had, and their influence on our identity and eventual choices in a mate. Attachment and Identification will influence what we learn from our parents, both in terms of our identity as adults, and in our preferences in choice of a mate.

In addition, there are both Four Commonalities of Commitment that we must learn, in which the more similarity we have, the more likely we will make lasting partners at reaching success together toward goals. These are Intelligence, Maturity, shared Beliefs about life, and shared Life's Goals. If you have more than two of these very in common with your partner, that goes a long way toward keeping you together.

There are also Four Skills of Commitment which "stack" upon each other, and without which we cannot last as lifelong partners. These are also called "the 4 C's": Curiosity, Communication, Compromise, and Collaboration, which cannot be built and used except in that order, and which parallels one's maturity of character. The highest skill to build in a committed relationship is Collaboration.

As a way of striking the highest efficiency at assessing our relationships and finding the highest compatible partner, we may COMBINE the Four Commonalities of Commitment with the Four Skills of Partnership or Commitment, to make 16 "Cardinal Virtues" of a lasting, committed romantic relationships. While there are innumerable character virtues for people to grow at, these 16 character virtues happen to be the most potent and individualized ones for striking a perfect balance between the 4 things we must have in common, and the 4 skills that make us good partners.  In Romantic Dynamics, we call a good match of these 16 virtues, "Two-factor Authentication," for the two factors of "common traits" and "partnership skills" (the "4 C's".)

We solidify the uniqueness of our identities with the random inheritance of the traits of the particular same sex parent we happened to have (Identification), and the type of partner we learned to desire by way of character features in our opposite sex parent (Attachment), to reach ONE Master Virtue that we possess, and ONE Master Virtue that we seek in a partner, as the unique individual that we are.

Those who discover this one Virtue in themselves, and one in their partner, are especially lucky, blessed and persistent as far as romance goes.

Step 9: "Where We Are Going": Achievement of Joint Goals ➳

Finally, we are ready. We are compatible in every way, to the degree that we have the desire of Sexual Attraction, Phase One, the love and friendship, even "best friendship" of Emotional Attraction, Phase Two, and the maximum personal growth to be ready, with the Character Compatibility of virtues that we acquired from our parents, ready to chart our way to execute our joint goals as a loving, lasting couple in Intellectual Attraction, Phase Three.

Here, in the final step of courtship, we are actually reaching out into the environment as a couple, pursuing our personal  and joint goals, and actually testing all we share as partners, trying for those combined, personal and joint life's goals.

Within this final step, we finally return to the man's selection of the woman as just the right partner for him. He has been tested and placed under the microscope several times to determine whether he had what it takes to qualify for her partnership requirements. Human Courtship needs to be perfectly balanced, equal and harmonious however, and so this time, with the stakes high for all his efforts at personal goals equal and in balance with hers, the man must make a final assessment of the woman as a potential lifelong partner.

In symmetry, just as the woman held the power of choice regarding whether the romance would continue past an initial flirtation, in the Phase One, Sexual Attraction, Step 3 - Winning and Losing - now is the time for the man's equivalent, which is the decision on his part to commit for life, or not, to the woman, based on precisely the same features of HER psychology - her character maturity.

From Evolutionary Psychology, we learn that simply because of the very different number of total gametes in a male versus a female, the two genders develop different, unconscious, instinctual, reproductive strategies for selecting a mate.

On the part of the woman, with 200-300 total viable eggs over a lifetime that can become a zygote growing into a baby, her automatic instincts that have developed over a million years of evolution lead her instincts to be highly selective of a specific male prior to sex occuring. It makes sense that early in courtship, in Sexual Attraction, Step 3, she tests the male for the character that reveals his virtue, loyalty, goodness and fitness as a potential long term mate, even though they are nowhere near through the friendship phase of Emotional Attraction or the commitment phase of Intellectual Attraction. Why waste months and years of her life, only to eventually find that he is a low character, disloyal mate years later, with all that time spent that could have been used to find a mate who will last for life, each month ticking off several more eggs that will not lead to the next generation of her genes?

However, the man, with billions of sperm over the lifetime that could become a baby, he has evolved over a million years to have the instincts focused not on careful selection of a sex partner, but on a partner who is highly likely to support his efforts at making progress in his skills out in the world that could protect and provide for the offspring, for her if needed, and for himself as a helpmate to her, which in today's terms, translates to his career progress. This is not surrounding the actual baby itself, but his means of helping the baby through his material resources and capacity to continue to acquire them. And yet it is the very same aspect of psychology that he must assess in the woman - her virtue and character maturity. He need not do this early in the Sexual Attraction Phase, but he absolutely must do so by the end of the very last phase of courtship, the Intellectual Attraction Phase, and its very last step, Step 9, before the final decision on his part to commit to her for life. In today's world, that means the legalities of marriage, or at least the psychology of long term commitment romantically, foregoing connection to all other women sexually and romantically, for life.

This step of courtship transcends all brief sociological movements such as the "Sexual Revolution," First Wave and Second Wave Feminism, the Men's Right's Movement, or any other "movement" to come. It is a million years of evolution of the instincts of the species at hand, and these unconscious processes will not go away any eon soon, regardless of what sociologists predict, or Twitter followers proclaim. It is enduring biology.

So, while women hold all the power of sexual access and selection of men they feel safe and comfortable with, in perfect symmetry and harmony, men will always hold all the power of "commitment access" and selection of women they feel safe and comfortable with, to the utmost assurance that their life's goals and efforts, which are usually to impress, help, support, empower, protect, and satisfy the woman they love, and their children, such that they will have happy, loving, successful, long lives of their own.

Intellectual Attraction is about the woman accomplishing her purpose in life, the man accomplishing his mission in life, and them both as a couple accomplishing their joint relationship goals in life, usually in a way that has synthesized these together through Compromise, and executed them as partners, in Collaboration, both of which we learned about in Step 8.

The highest likelihood at this juncture is that the man's personal mission is lost and forgotten in the marital union, just as the highest likelihood in the Sexual Attraction phase is that the couple have a "fling" that goes no further than passion and desire, which would not benefit the woman's overall welfare. If the man senses the same spirit in this last step, similar to the feeling a woman would have the morning after a "one night stand," then similarly, he will never contact her again. He will not propose, and if already married, he will divorce her.

Women's happiness is in giving birth to children and to new ideas. Women must know that they have chosen the right man to give birth next to.

Men's happiness is not in surviving, but in death, knowing that their efforts mattered, and helped support those they love. And so this final step assures that they have chosen the right woman to die next to. And so we return to the masculine and feminine instincts of gender as our tests that a man gives to a woman, before he makes the final commitment to her, not just "for life," but, "of his life," its mission and its legacy to their future descendants.

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The Steps of Courtship

These are the nine steps of human courtship that exist in the three phases of courtship.

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Films on Ladies and Gentlemen (4)

Emotional Attraction Steps (6)

Emotional Attraction (2)

Sexual Attraction (2)

Films on Beauty and Mystery (4)

Intellectual Attraction Films (4)

Sexual Attraction Films (4)

Emotional Attraction Films (4)

Sexual Attraction Steps (6)

Films on Winning and Losing (3)

Intellectual Attraction Steps (6)

Films on Masculine and Feminine Goals (2)

Films on Character Compatibility (3)

Films on Personal Growth (2)

Films on Completing Each Other (3)

Films on Stressing Each Other (1)

Films on Valuing Each Other (4)

Intellectual Attraction (1)

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Step 1 Films (3)

Step 2 Films (3)

Step 3 Films (2)

Step 4 Films (3)

Step 5 Films (1)

Step 6 Films (2)

Step 7 Films (2)

Step 9 Films (3)

Step 8 Films (2)

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The Lady Eve (1941)

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Sabrina (1954)

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Girl Shy (1924)

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Step 3 - Winning and Losing

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Step 2 - Ladies and Gentlemen

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Step 1 - Boy Meets Girl

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The Lady Eve (1941)

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Baby Boom (1987)

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Sabrina (1954)

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Step 6 - Finding Completion in Each Other

The Lady Eve (1941)

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The Lady Eve is a Barbara Stanwyck and Henry Fonda film about love and you can see ample information about it below. It is available free on the web.

The Lady Eve (1941) Comedy, Romance | 94min | 21 March 1941 (USA) 7.8

Director: Preston SturgesWriter: Monckton Hoffe, Preston SturgesStars: Barbara Stanwyck, Henry Fonda, Charles CoburnSummary: Returning from a year up the Amazon studying snakes, the rich but unsophisticated Charles Pike meets con-artist Jean Harrington on a ship. They fall in love, but a misunderstanding causes them to split on bad terms. To get back at him, Jean disguises herself as an English lady, and comes back to tease and torment him. Written by John Oswalt <jao@jao.com>

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Source: imdb.com

Sabrina (1954)

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Sabrina is a Audrey Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart film about love and you can see ample information about it below. It is available free on the web.

Sabrina Comedy, Drama, Romance | 113min | October 15, 1954 (United States) 7.7

Director: Billy WilderWriter: Billy Wilder, Samuel A. Taylor, Ernest LehmanStars: Humphrey Bogart, Audrey Hepburn, William HoldenSummary: Linus and David Larrabee are the two sons of a very wealthy family. Linus is all work -- busily running the family corporate empire with no time for a wife and family. David is all play -- technically employed in the family business but never showing up for work, spending all his time entertaining, and having been married and divorced three times. Sabrina Fairchild is the young, shy, and awkward daughter of the household chauffeur, who has been infatuated with David all her life, but whom David hardly notices till she goes away to Paris for two years and returns an elegant, sophisticated, beautiful woman. Suddenly, she finds she's captured David's attention, but just as she does so, she finds herself also falling in love with Linus, and she finds that Linus is also falling in love with her. —Brian C. Madsen <bcmmovies@earthlink.net>

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Source: imdb.com

Girl Shy (1924)

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Harold Meadows is a shy, stuttering bachelor working in a tailor shop, who is writing a guidebook, The Secret of Making Love, for other bashful young men. Fate has him meet rich girl Mary, and they fall in love. But she is about to wed an already married man, so our hero embarks upon a hair-raising daredevil ride to prevent the wedding.

Girl Shy (1924) Comedy, Romance | 87min | 20 April 1924 (USA) 7.7

Director: Fred C. Newmeyer, Sam TaylorWriter: Sam Taylor, Ted WildeStars: Harold Lloyd, Jobyna Ralston, Richard DanielsSummary: Harold Meadows (Lloyd) is a shy, stuttering bachelor working in a tailor shop, who is writing a guide book for other bashful young men, "The Secret of Making Love," chapters from which are portrayed as fantasy sequences. Fate has him meet rich girl, Mary (Ralston), and they fall in love. But she is about to wed an already married man, so our hero embarks upon a hair-raising daredevil ride to prevent the wedding. Written by Herman Seifer <alagain@aol.com>

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Source: imdb.com

Step 3 - Winning and Losing

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In the third and final step of Sexual Attraction, the tables are turned, and “sexual tension” peaks.

 

The third gift offered to Paris by the goddess Athena in this contest between Aphrodite, Hera and Athena was this: the ability to win every battle he would ever fight. This gift of Athena is “being a winner” and “winning the hand of the woman” – what fuels the instinct in men that can be called the Ares Instinct, after the god of war, and “winning.”

Step 2 - Ladies and Gentlemen

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It is here in step two of the sexual attraction phase of human courtship where the man and woman become fully aware of the desire the other has for them. The passion is growing now, as never before.

 

Because we are in the “reptilian brain” (where the instincts of survival and reproduction are at work), the "passions" of each gender are best described by words we still use today: feeling passionate, sexy and excited to be alive are the same experience as being full of "masculinity" or "femininity."

Step 1 - Boy Meets Girl

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Act One of the play we call human courtship is Sexual Attraction. When boy meets girl, he finds her beautiful, and she finds that he invokes a mysteriousness that harkens her back to the very first experience of masculinity – which is that of her own father.

The Lady Eve (1941)

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The Lady Eve is a Barbara Stanwyck and Henry Fonda film about love and you can see ample information about it below. It is available free on the web.

The Lady Eve (1941) Comedy, Romance | 94min | 21 March 1941 (USA) 7.8

Director: Preston SturgesWriter: Monckton Hoffe, Preston SturgesStars: Barbara Stanwyck, Henry Fonda, Charles CoburnSummary: Returning from a year up the Amazon studying snakes, the rich but unsophisticated Charles Pike meets con-artist Jean Harrington on a ship. They fall in love, but a misunderstanding causes them to split on bad terms. To get back at him, Jean disguises herself as an English lady, and comes back to tease and torment him. Written by John Oswalt <jao@jao.com>

Photos

See all photos >>

Source: imdb.com

Baby Boom (1987)

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Baby Boom is a Diane Keaton and Sam Shepard film about love and careers in single life and you can see ample information about it below. It is available for free on the web.

Baby Boom Comedy, Drama, Romance | 110min | October 30, 1987 (United States) 6.3

Director: Charles ShyerWriter: Nancy Meyers, Charles ShyerStars: Diane Keaton, Sam Shepard, Harold RamisSummary: J.C. Wiatt is a successful New York business woman known around town as the "tiger lady." She gets news of an inheritance from a relative from another country and off the bat she suspects it's money. Well it's not money, it's a baby girl. At first she doesn't accept until the lady that gives the baby to her has to catch her flight. J.C. is now stuck with an annoying baby girl. Her boyfriend doesn't like the idea of a baby living with them and he leaves her. J.C. has enough of it and takes her to meet a family ready to adopt her. She leaves but hears the baby cry while walking away and has to go back. The baby is too attached to her now and won't let her go. Later, her baby gets into mischief which causes her to get fired. Now, she sets her eyes on an old two story cottage in Vermont to get out of the New York life. When she arrives, the house needs more help than originally thought. She gets bored one snowy day and decides to make apple sauce. Her baby loves it and she decides to sell it. Pretty soon everyone wants some of the baby apple sauce. J.C. hits it big and falls in love with a local veterinarian. Was this fate or destiny? —Kyle <Kyleshivers@aol.com>

Photos

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Source: imdb.com

Sabrina (1954)

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Sabrina is a Audrey Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart film about love and you can see ample information about it below. It is available free on the web.

Sabrina Comedy, Drama, Romance | 113min | October 15, 1954 (United States) 7.7

Director: Billy WilderWriter: Billy Wilder, Samuel A. Taylor, Ernest LehmanStars: Humphrey Bogart, Audrey Hepburn, William HoldenSummary: Linus and David Larrabee are the two sons of a very wealthy family. Linus is all work -- busily running the family corporate empire with no time for a wife and family. David is all play -- technically employed in the family business but never showing up for work, spending all his time entertaining, and having been married and divorced three times. Sabrina Fairchild is the young, shy, and awkward daughter of the household chauffeur, who has been infatuated with David all her life, but whom David hardly notices till she goes away to Paris for two years and returns an elegant, sophisticated, beautiful woman. Suddenly, she finds she's captured David's attention, but just as she does so, she finds herself also falling in love with Linus, and she finds that Linus is also falling in love with her. —Brian C. Madsen <bcmmovies@earthlink.net>

Photos

See all photos >>

Source: imdb.com

Step 6 - Finding Completion in Each Other

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Much has been said through the ages about the “compatibility” among couples, and the importance of personality styles have captured the imaginations of lovers since ancient times. While we all have our “type” that we like in the other gender, that is not enough to be lasting teammates, let alone, "soul mates." To make it as partners, we will need to discover that we are more than friends.  We need to be "best friends."

Compare

The Lady Eve (1941)

The Lady Eve is a Barbara Sta Read More

Compare

Sabrina (1954)

Sabrina is a Audrey Hepburn a Read More

Compare

Girl Shy (1924)

Harold Meadows is a shy, stut Read More

Compare

Step 3 - Winning and Losing

In the third and final step of Sexual Attraction, the tables are turned, and “sexual tension” peaks.   The third gift offered to Paris by the goddess Athena in this contest between Aphrodite, Hera and Athena was this: the ability t Read More

Compare

Step 2 - Ladies and Gentlemen

It is here in step two of the sexual attraction phase of human courtship where the man and woman become fully aware of the desire the other has for them. The passion is growing now, as never before.   Because we are in the “reptilian Read More

Compare

Step 1 - Boy Meets Girl

Act One of the play we call human courtship is Sexual Attraction. When boy meets girl, he finds her beautiful, and she finds that he invokes a mysteriousness that harkens her back to the very first experience of masculinity – which is tha Read More

Compare

The Lady Eve (1941)

The Lady Eve is a Barbara Sta Read More

Compare

Baby Boom (1987)

Baby Boom is a Diane Keaton a Read More

Compare

Sabrina (1954)

Sabrina is a Audrey Hepburn a Read More

Compare

Step 6 - Finding Completion in Each Other

Much has been said through the ages about the “compatibility” among couples, and the importance of personality styles have captured the imaginations of lovers since ancient times. While we all have our “type” that we like in the oth Read More

Where self-esteem is composed of positive emotional energy, or happiness, and is composed of the two types of self-esteem, called, "well-being" and "confidence," stress is the negative version of this.

Stress, then, is also composed of emotional or chemical energy, and yet is a negative form of it. Just like self-esteem, its opposite, stress can be in the form of either "hurt" or "loss" or both. The former feels like damage has been done to one's well-being, and one finds themselves even less meeting their needs than before. The latter, "loss," is a kind of threat in which one finds the possibility that an outside force may take away one's resources, and threaten one's money, friendships, relationships, job, social standing or any of a manner of things which leaves us feeling anxious, if stress gets past our personal boundary, to harm either our well-being or our confidence.

The first line of defense against stress is to "block it at the door" with our personal boundary, which is to "say NO" to it, to ignore or deflect it as Perseus did in defeating Medusa with his shield. However, if stress gets into us, its operations are still subject to the laws of thermodynamics, since it is an energy. When this happens, it will tend to deplete a certain amount of our self-esteem - the exact amount of positive energy that correlates to the exact amount of negative energy in the stress.

Specifically, hurt tends to cause us to lose the positive energy of self-esteem, called, "well-being," and the threat of loss tends to cause us to lose the positive emotional energy of self-esteem, called, "confidence."

Since "energy can be neither created, nor destroyed," we can learn to use the Anger Map and Anxiety Map to combat stress, and the pathological narcissism which often sabotages our friendships and romantic relationships. This comprises the major task of step five of human courtship, in the emotional attraction skill set that we call, "Finding Stress in Each Other." If we learn to beat stress as a couple, we are more immune to the forces that tear down friendship and love.

Sublimation we have covered by example. It is a high skill and trait in which one properly transforms the passionate instincts, through the emotions, into the conscious, higher brained actions of assertiveness and courage toward specific goals.

It is an amazing feature of us as a defense mechanism.  It may be the very essence of the three areas of the mind working in mature and constructive synchrony - being “in the zone as Csikszentmihalyi called it, in “flow” with our entire selves.

A partner who can do this with their stresses is likely to be a partner having most of the other higher brained skills, and is a great joy to have in your life.

GO BACK TO MATURE DEFENSE MECHANISMS.

Suffering has been used in a general way by people to denote an experience of negative emotion. However, in Romantic Dynamics, it is specific to an immature flaw of one's personal boundary, called a "boundary hole."

These "holes" are the "buttons" that people are said to push in us. They are the places where we are said to "have issues" or to be "oversensitive," or where people "get under our skin."  They are places where we ought to realize the extent of our control over the world from what we do not control, what we own or possess from what we do not, and what is our business from what is not. When we overreach into other people's lives, or

When we overreach into other people's lives, or when we are overly impressionable and allow others to take advantage of us outside our awareness, we are dealing with a boundary hole. And it is through such holes that we suffer.

And so, "suffering" is defined as "trying to control the uncontrollable, by spending or wasting resources on such attempts at control." We do this without a strategy, without patience or other, conscious virtues of character that actually see us setting goals over time, which otherwise, really could help us gain more control over our world.

Suffering then leads us to lose many of our resources and have no other value back for spending them. We become less happy, less successful, we grow less or actually regress in psychological growth or maturity.

A common example would be being stuck in rush hour traffic. If one honks the horn, beats on the steering wheel and yells at other drivers, one is suffering, burning energy but not moving any faster to a goal. Instead of suffering, we ought to use, "intention," to get more control in life - which is a virtuous, mature way of strategizing, setting goals and pursuing them with conscious, wise resources and patience until we adjust our approach and actually reach the goal.

A large tip-off to the fact that one is suffering is when we use the word, "should," which implies that we wish for control over something that we do not have control over, and implies an unconscious entitlement to already having achieved that goal.  Another version of this rests in problems using the word, "NO." Either saying it or hearing it is difficult. Not "taking NO for an answer" is part of suffering.

Fixing boundary holes and ending our suffering then consists in large part, through becoming facile and accepting of the word, "NO" in our lives, and not wasting energy on things we do not control, instead choosing to set intentions toward goals and achieving them like a more mature person with boundary doors instead of boundary holes.

Suppression gives us the conscious decision to delay dealing with our emotions or destructive things in our lives,  so that we may deal with the present things we need to get done to survive, to maintain stability, and to rework our strategy at life’s goals as a successful couple. It is reminiscent of the 1990s action films where the main character would often say, “I ain’t got time to bleed.”

The concept of physical trauma is interesting here, where the body goes into “shock.”  When injured physically, we may not feel any pain for a time, an adrenaline-fueled rush that increases our heart rate, blood pressure, and senses for the purpose of saving our own lives, that absence of pain is interesting, and very similar as a psychical analogy to suppression - where we defer pain for a time in order to simply do what needs to be done right now to make it through trouble.

This makes it possible later to return to uncomfortable emotions and to more accept them from a non-stressed and patient perspective.

GO BACK TO MATURE DEFENSE MECHANISMS.