The Skills of Commitment are a set of four behaviors, or skills that a person seeking to establish a stable, long-term relationship or romance needs to cultivate. They will be immediately obvious to any person who sees them described, but will soon come to realize that they incorporate many of the conscious working parts of mature character and one's virtues. They are impaired in developing for those with too much pathological narcissism, immaturity, vice, and who operate socially in predominantly the “Primitive Ego Defenses” or “Immature Ego Defenses”.
In Romantic Dynamics, we often cover how a well-formed sexual attraction between the masculine and feminine instincts, serves to continue to power and rejuvenate the commitment of the intellectual attraction, and how the happiness and friendship of a well-formed emotional attraction between compatible personalities, makes for a best-friendship that buoys the goal-setting and pursuit of joint goals in the partnership of intellectual attraction as well.
However, alongside the Four Commonalities of Commitment that are inherent in us, the Four Skills of Commitment must be worked at, practiced and mastered in order for someone to be fully functional in a loyal, long term partnership toward shared goals as a couple. The starting point on this may disqualify a person from evenbeginning to learn these, let alone master them - if one is full of vice, narcissism, uses primitive ego defenses or immature ego defenses, and is immature in the personal boundary or Observing Ego, one cannot even begin to learn the skills of commitment.
Meanwhile, someone with Neurotic Ego Defenses or Mature Ego Defenses will have enough personal boundary skill and Observing Ego to be a more mature person, with more virtues than vices, and not that much pathological narcissism. They will certainly be able to consciously learn, practice, and begin to master the four Skills of Commitment.
If we were to go into these four in detail, you will see how a relationship cannot do without any of the four, and still survive in terms of loyalty, longevity, and successful strategy and achievement of joint goals between two people in a couple.
The Four Skills of Commitment
Curiosity ➳
We have to pay enough attention in the first place about something if we are to maintain a curiosity about it. Curiosity needs to not be distracted, but rather, pays close attention to the matter at hand. Observing Ego stops us from losing our focus, but also our interest, causing us to not overvalue minor advantages to a relationship, or to devalue the little things that might actually make it the perfect relationship for us. Observing Ego, plus the detail-oriented “right-brain” contribute. This is a must, as a skill for a partnership built on teamwork toward joint life's goals.
Communication ➳
Without intimacy (two people being present minded at the same time), communication falls flat or is inaccurate, distracted, and includes erroneous or irrelevant information, when Observing Ego is not employed. Bad communication also comes from a lack of Observing Ego to make us not miss details about someone else’s ideas or emotions in sending and receiving communication. It also comes from a lack of personal boundary skill to assure that there is not distortion or a twisting of their words or actions into something that was not intended to be conveyed in the way it did. Cognitive distortions are very common in the more Primitive Ego Defenses and Immature Ego Defenses, which is a major reason that those unconscious social habits make us incapable of mature and lasting relationships and partnership when they dominate our behavior.
Compromise ➳
When we look to discover what it is we can live without so that there may be harmony and teamwork in our relationship, we have to pay attention enough to valuate what our proposition is for moving toward the joint goals of true teamwork and partnership of intellectual attraction. Without Observing Ego, we may be giving up some part of ourselves in service of the team, which we really couldn’t afford to give up, causing team failure. We might also be demanding of our partner of what they cannot give, and what we shouldn’t even bother to ask.
Collaboration ➳
When one pilot on an airline flight goes to sleep on a long voyage, the other pilot, and/or autopilot takes over, but they can’t maintain this arrangement for the whole flight (especially takeoff or landing.) Collaboration is also dynamic and shifting to and fro to accomplish goals, adjusting to obstacles and imperfections. It needs Observing Ego to be constantly aware of the changing circumstances and keeps our eyes on the major goals we have, while at the same time, being open to the need for adaptation and adjustment of our goal-reaching strategy. It keeps an eye on our potential mate, their strengths, weaknesses and resources, so that we can truly join forces toward a goal.