Collaboration

Collaboration is so much of a must for the very purpose of intellectual attraction and partnership on successfully reaching goals as a couple, that it nearly names the whole purpose of the phase of courtship. Collaboration.

There is so much involved, however, in being qualified to collaborate as a team. First, one must be mature enough to even take this on as a skill. Lower level social habits of relating, such as the Primitive Ego Defenses and Immature Ego Defenses will not do. Secondly, one needs to have gotten in place, the other skills of committment first: Curiosity, Communication, and Compromise, before we even get to Collaboration.

Think of these four skills, in order, as going from "interest" in one's partner (and self), to "connection" with them, to "synthesis" of identity and goals, then finally, "unity" with each other in a new, action-oriented form.

Likewise, the four "commonalities" or traits that we may have in common, think of as, "how-to" (for intelligence), which comes before "balance of interests and resources" or "pooling of resources" (which comes with maturity), followed by "why do this thing" (that comes from an examination of one's personal and shared beliefs, otherwise, why do the thing?), and then "execution" (which is the nuts and bolts of going for the specific goal, in how we perform.)

As we join the permutations and combinations of "skills" and "traits" (or commonalities) together in this way, we understand the process of intimacy for a couple at a whole new level.

When one pilot on an airline flight goes to sleep on a long voyage, the other pilot, and/or autopilot takes over, but they can’t maintain this arrangement for the whole flight (especially takeoff or landing.) Collaboration is also dynamic and shifting to and fro to accomplish goals, adjusting to obstacles and imperfections. It needs Observing Ego to be constantly aware of the changing circumstances and keeps our eyes on the major goals we have, while at the same time, being open to the need for adaptation and adjustment of our goal-reaching strategy. It keeps an eye on our potential mate, their strengths, weaknesses and resources, so that we can truly join forces toward a goal.

In collaboration, we need to have the ability to sometimes fly the plane jointly, simultaneously, and communicate frequently to each other. At other times, we really do need to turn over the steering wheel to the more skilled partner at a specialized task, and not get in their way, not accidentally sabotaging their efforts.

This give and take needs communication, but also curiosity, openness to learning while doing, and of course to not let in pathological narcissism or selfishness toward our own personal goals sabotaging the group effort at the joint goals.

While we are familiar with the pairing of a left-brained person with a right-brained person in our metaphor of steering the plane to our goals, we might also add the concept of flying at hgiher or lower altitude in terms of ethics and intuition, and having enough fuel, both gasoline (confidence) and oil (well-being) for our journey, and the mutual Observing Ego turned on as our radar and flight guidance system, good boundaries to also keep the scope of our journey in a defined limit. In fact, Observing Ego can be likened to being off "autopilot" and our instincts, habits and mature virtues as "being the autopilot." Our "North Star" in spirituality and goodness.