Codependence is a state of connection between two people which, like the states of intimacy, independence, and interdependence, pertain to the function of personal boundaries between the two people. In the case of codependence there are a larger amount of boundary holes in the personal boundary of both partners than other boundary anatomy - such as boundary walls, or the most mature boundary anatomy of all - boundary doors.

In [Read more...] about Codependence

Collaboration is so much of a must for the very purpose of intellectual attraction and partnership on successfully reaching goals as a couple, that it nearly names the whole purpose of the phase of courtship. Collaboration.

There is so much involved, however, in being qualified to collaborate as a team. First, one must be mature enough to even take this on as a skill. Lower level social habits of relating, [Read more...] about Collaboration

Commitment is the same as Intellectual Attraction, and is the Third Phase of Human Courtship, whose prime feature is that of two different people finding better success at getting to their personal and joint goals, than either one could have alone.

It doesn't automatically assure a sexual attraction or connection, and it doesn't automatically feature friendship or emotional attraction.

It is about success in reaching goals together, however, it can [Read more...] about Commitment

The Four Commonalities of Commitment are the most common four things that two people must share, in order for a partnership toward specific life's goals to go well. They are akin to a compatibility in intellectual attraction in a committed relationship. They will also seem common-sense to you as necessary for people to not be working at cross-purposes toward a goal.

However, you will find that each of them has [Read more...] about Commonalities of Commitment

It may seem like common sense that two people teaming up toward joint goals in partnership need to share some similar beliefs and things they value, or else partnership will not go so well. Even so, we need to think a bit about what a belief is, since it doesn't need to pertain to the fine details of what goals they choose together. It may be as simple a mismatch [Read more...] about Commonality of Beliefs and Values

Keep in mind that when we refer to intellectual style" in Romantic Dynamics, that has to do with how we process data in the form of analytical, historical, "left-brained" information versus creative, artistic, future-oriented, "right-brained" information. Intelligence is something a bit different. Whether left-brained, or right-brained, or hopefully both as a "style" of the intellect, intelligence in our model refers more to the sheer amount, efficiency, and fire-power" of [Read more...] about Commonality of Intelligence

Similar to a match of intelligence, two people as a couple need to be on similar levels in terms of their maturity level, or "character maturity," with regard to how much pathological narcissism and vice they have as individuals, versus how many character virtues they have.  If there is a vast difference in maturity level, this leads to more of a relationship between "mother and son" or "father and daughter," [Read more...] about Commonality of Maturity

Shared goals are tricky, because we need to understand the differences between codependence (and intimacy), independence, and interdependence in order to wrap our minds around a major task of intellectual attraction - to both meet our personal life's goals (called a "mission" or "purpose"), while at the same time, agreeing upon major, shared, "joint goals" as a partnered couple.

If you could imagine two circles that intersect and join at [Read more...] about Commonality of Shared Goals

We can't move on to Compromise or Collaboration as relationship skills before we master the Communication between us, and we can't work on the communication between us if one or the other person doesn't even have interest in us - Curiosity and an openness to new learning.

Without intimacy (two people being present minded at the same time), communication falls flat or is inaccurate, distracted, and includes erroneous or irrelevant [Read more...] about Communication

Character Compatibility is a different harmony between partners than an alignment of personality styles, or of polarity of masculinity and femininity. It goes far beyond shared interests, to be sure.  Since Phase 3 of Courtship - Teamwork, Partnership, and Commitment - are about aligning to be a successful team at getting to joint goals in intellectual attraction. Then the compatibility we are talking about must be about a joint encouragement [Read more...] about Compatibility

Competence is defined in the dictionary as "the ability to do something successfully or efficiently." It is a character trait and virtue that you want when you see yourself desiring to get to a goal quickly and with the least waste of resources, which is efficiency. Competence is a combination of the Skill of Collaboration with the trait (or Commonality) of Intelligence.

We finally move from a focus on each [Read more...] about Competence

To reach Compromise as a Skill of Commitment, we have to have first had mutual Curiosity to even care to learn and integrate goals with another person. And after that, we have to have some reasonable Communication Skills to be able to get across our goals, take in the goals of the partner, and reach some joint goals between us. Then we can move on to Compromise, a kind of [Read more...] about Compromise

This type of self-esteem we call, "Confidence," is an action-taking, protective, defensive positive emotion, and an energy of action, akin to being "paternal" or fatherly toward one's self and others. It is the antidote to the other of the two types of stress, called, "loss." In terms of the laws of thermodynamics, it is a "kinetic energy," an energy of action. Confidence is then the ability to take action to [Read more...] about Confidence

Conscience is something that guides our decisions in terms of what the likely effect will be on others in those decisions. Will it be destructive (win/lose) or constructive (win/win) toward others. After we make a decision, either constructive or destructive, we get to learn whether the result was conscientious, or ethical, by way of feedback from others. And so our "tank" of conscience or ethics fills a bit. In other [Read more...] about Conscience

The conscious mind has been a core interest of philosophers throughout history. It has been referred to in many ways, from Aristotle to Freud. In Romantic Dynamics, we seek to get more precise and circumscribed about what it means exactly and how we can make the definition practical to ourselves.

And so for our purposes, we will view the conscious mind as those mental processes that operate within our [Read more...] about Conscious

That which is constructive has all kinds of connotations in psychology. For our purposes in Romantic Dynamics, it pertains to the intent and outcome of our decision-making, and can be used as a unit marker of the level of maturity (and likely success at getting to goals) in our decisions.

For purposes of accuracy and the spirit of science, we borrow from Game Theory of Economics, and specifically, what [Read more...] about Constructive

The expression of an intrapsychic conflict as something physical. In the world of medicine, this pathologic effect has been seen in the form of blindness, deafness, or some other catastrophic physical manifestation of someone’s inner conflict or anxiety. You may know it in a more mundane way as “being too sick to go to school,” or in having had someone genuinely fall ill with a cold or flu at just [Read more...] about Conversion

When we use courage, we are literally transforming the negative emotional energy of anxiety into positive energy, called, "confidence."  This form of self-esteem is defined as a feeling of safety in going about navigating risk, change, grief or loss. It is a feeling of fathering, or being fathered. And so courage is how mature adults, "father themselves."

It is a constructive, "win/win" decision to make with one's anxiety, and takes [Read more...] about Courage

Courage as an ego defense shows us something more than just a mature level of development. As you have seen in the Rescue Map of Anxiety we learned about in the emotional attraction of the mammalian brain, it is an instrumental skill for transforming one of the two most prevalent negative emotions - anxiety - into a positive, and is really the only route to self-generating that part of self-esteem [Read more...] about Courage as an Ego Defense

Unlike Abdication or Negligence, which are vices about disrespect of the resources of your partner, cowardly behavior is a character "vice of deficit" that sees one as depriving the partner of teamwork through disrespect of the self. A cowardly person certainly lets down their partner, but before that can occur, they make themselves look weak and ridiculous.

In being unjust as a partner at contributing to achieving a goal, [Read more...] about Cowardice