Codependence is a state of connection between two people which, like the states of intimacy, independence, and interdependence, pertain to the function of personal boundaries between the two people. In the case of codependence there are a larger amount of boundary holes in the personal boundary of both partners than other boundary anatomy - such as boundary walls, or the most mature boundary anatomy of all - boundary doors.

In codependence, the two people, by way of their boundary holes, have a tendency to invade each others' privacy and feel entitled for the other person to maintain each others' resources, without expectation of receiving value back. As a result, they both tend to bully each other and hoard most of the resources of the couple - a "Win/Lose" deal in which one person tends to eventually dominate the relationship and the resources, leaving very little for the other person to subsist on, including the sense of being loved.

For the person of advantage, this arrangement may seem like a "good deal," or even a loving relationship. For the disadvantaged person, it can be a nightmare. But due to their weakness, they may feel that there is nothing they can do about the relationship to get out of it.

Instead of codependence, we need to try for the "Goldilocks Zone" of relationships.

How do people get out of codependence? The obvious first strategy would of course be to begin to patch the boundary holes in one's personal boundary, learning to say, "NO," and hear, "NO," from others. If the partner is not willing to change, then of course there will be drama and resistance to this, and much suffering. It may also cost a great amount of energy to enforce.

The next move one might need to do to preserve energy may be to try periods of more independence in order to create a solid boundary or barrier in the relationship in order to reestablish one's center and preservation of personal resources - a kind of "retaining wall."  This is one level up in maturity from codependence.

The highest level to reach in a relationship will look somewhat similar to codependence in the "togetherness" involved. However, this more mature state of togetherness is called, "intimacy." Which is a state that is not constant or perpetual, but voluntarily entered here and there when conditions are right, and both agree. This state of interdependence, which contains occasional intimacy and at other times, independence to go work on one's interests, depends on the most mature boundary anatomy, called boundary doors.

Collaboration is so much of a must for the very purpose of intellectual attraction and partnership on successfully reaching goals as a couple, that it nearly names the whole purpose of the phase of courtship. Collaboration.

There is so much involved, however, in being qualified to collaborate as a team. First, one must be mature enough to even take this on as a skill. Lower level social habits of relating, such as the Primitive Ego Defenses and Immature Ego Defenses will not do. Secondly, one needs to have gotten in place, the other skills of committment first: Curiosity, Communication, and Compromise, before we even get to Collaboration.

Think of these four skills, in order, as going from "interest" in one's partner (and self), to "connection" with them, to "synthesis" of identity and goals, then finally, "unity" with each other in a new, action-oriented form.

Likewise, the four "commonalities" or traits that we may have in common, think of as, "how-to" (for intelligence), which comes before "balance of interests and resources" or "pooling of resources" (which comes with maturity), followed by "why do this thing" (that comes from an examination of one's personal and shared beliefs, otherwise, why do the thing?), and then "execution" (which is the nuts and bolts of going for the specific goal, in how we perform.)

As we join the permutations and combinations of "skills" and "traits" (or commonalities) together in this way, we understand the process of intimacy for a couple at a whole new level.

When one pilot on an airline flight goes to sleep on a long voyage, the other pilot, and/or autopilot takes over, but they can’t maintain this arrangement for the whole flight (especially takeoff or landing.) Collaboration is also dynamic and shifting to and fro to accomplish goals, adjusting to obstacles and imperfections. It needs Observing Ego to be constantly aware of the changing circumstances and keeps our eyes on the major goals we have, while at the same time, being open to the need for adaptation and adjustment of our goal-reaching strategy. It keeps an eye on our potential mate, their strengths, weaknesses and resources, so that we can truly join forces toward a goal.

In collaboration, we need to have the ability to sometimes fly the plane jointly, simultaneously, and communicate frequently to each other. At other times, we really do need to turn over the steering wheel to the more skilled partner at a specialized task, and not get in their way, not accidentally sabotaging their efforts.

This give and take needs communication, but also curiosity, openness to learning while doing, and of course to not let in pathological narcissism or selfishness toward our own personal goals sabotaging the group effort at the joint goals.

While we are familiar with the pairing of a left-brained person with a right-brained person in our metaphor of steering the plane to our goals, we might also add the concept of flying at hgiher or lower altitude in terms of ethics and intuition, and having enough fuel, both gasoline (confidence) and oil (well-being) for our journey, and the mutual Observing Ego turned on as our radar and flight guidance system, good boundaries to also keep the scope of our journey in a defined limit.  In fact, Observing Ego can be likened to being off "autopilot" and our instincts, habits and mature virtues as "being the autopilot." Our "North Star" in spirituality and goodness.

BACK TO SKILLS OF COMMITMENT

Commitment is the same as Intellectual Attraction, and is the Third Phase of Human Courtship, whose prime feature is that of two different people finding better success at getting to their personal and joint goals, than either one could have alone.

It doesn't automatically assure a sexual attraction or connection, and it doesn't automatically feature friendship or emotional attraction.

It is about success in reaching goals together, however, it can be certainly empowered by the other two attractions. In fact, we wouldn't have a genuine romance without the sexual attraction and emotional attraction which precede commitment and partnership, which is what Romantic Dynamics calls, Intellectual Attraction.

The way to understand commitment in the Romantic Dynamics system is to center on first developing one's self psychologically (Step 7 of Courtship - "Who I Am"), and then move on to Character Compatibility (Step 8 of Courtship - "Who We Are".) Step 9 of Courtship is the action part of actually achieving our goals as a couple ("Where We Are Going"), and also serves as the masculine partner's chance to screen and evaluate the more feminine partner for fitness for a long term, committed romantic relationship in the same way the feminine partner screened him for fitness to become more intimate in the earlier, Sexual Attraction Phase, Phase One of Courtship.

The middle step, Step 8, is perhaps the most detailed for two people to learn simultaneously, because it is about their compatibility for long term partnership.

Character Compatibility is then, a different harmony between partners than an alignment of personality styles, or of polarity of masculinity and femininity. It goes far beyond shared interests, to be sure.  Since Phase 3 of Courtship - Teamwork, Partnership, and Commitment - are about aligning to be a successful team at getting to joint goals in intellectual attraction. Then the compatibility we are talking about must be about a joint encouragement of the faculties of the intellect, executive function, and maturity of character that makes not only an individual highly efficient and effective at getting to goals, but of the "sum being greater than its parts" in making each other more successful than the individuals could, alone.

As such, there is a mutual amplification of the tendency to grow more mature and successful on account of each other. To expand each partner's personal growth on account of the interventions of the other partner. To the principles of Romantic Dynamics, this means a mutual set of virtues of character that are unique and special to that couple.

Virtues of character make for a good person, a wise person and a successful person, but virtues are not all interchangeable or of equal amplification of each other. Some are more or less, related to each other and others have more diversity when collected together. In the end, there are certain combinations of virtue in two partners that are going to be more in alignment, more balancing and rounding out of each other in composing a couple.

So, Character Compatibility will need to see us coupling with a person whose own character virtues of their maturity having a special "chemistry" with our own, and one that leads to more efficient, effective success at our joint life's goals as a couple.

In Phase 3 of Romantic Dynamics and the courtship process, Step 7, "Who We Are," then we need to look at the 4 Skills of Commitment, in how advanced they are for each partner, as well as the 4 Commonalities of Commitment in how aligned we are, "culturally," which will suggest an automatic harmony of any attempt at joint goals as a couple.

"Two-factor Authentication" is a term we use for combining these two sets of four factors, to make a total of 16 Cardinal Virtues of Romance - the permutation and combination of each of four skills of intellectual attraction with four common beneficial features of intellectual attraction which also make an individual successful in life.

The Four Skills of Commitment that smooth our teamwork are also called the "4 C's" - Curiosity, Communication, Compromise, and Collaboration. One leads to the next, for example, we won't even bother to communicate if one or both of us lack curiosity. We can't begin to compromise and join resources if we can't communicate accurately and with appeal, and we certainly can't collaborate, if we have very different agendas and conflicting life's goals, having not gone through the synthetic process of compromise, to prevent major "sacrifices" in the future.

The Four Traits or Commonalities of Commitment that power individual success (but also influence choice of goals) are Intelligence, Maturity, Similarity of Beliefs (and Preferences), and Similarity of Life's Goals. It is important to remember that the power of the commonalities of Commitment rests in the fact that they are "in common": Two people with similar intelligence, similar maturity, similar beliefs, and similar life's goals. One person, alone, cannot carry all the weight of the team with these, and so they should be used early, in screening a date, boyfriend or girlfriend as a potential partner. In addition, large differences in these four, results in a "difference in cultural background" - the two people are "just too different to be compatible," a problem that just can't be overcome by more intelligence, more maturity, or more of any of the virtues, like heroism, resilience, or others. Many people beat their head against a wall over this, thinking, "If only I could be even more X, better, smarter, etc," then things will work out. They won't, without commonality of a majority of these traits.

Combining the first four with the latter four, give us 16 Cardinal Virtues of all intellectual, goal-oriented romantic connections to a mate, even though one can have hundreds of kinds of virtues to their character. In the example at left, we see the Commonality of Beliefs combine with the Skill of Collaboration to give us the last important Virtue of Commitment, or "Cardinal Virtue" or "character virtue" a partner needs to cultivate in order to be a solid partner in romance, for life: Resilience.

In addition, the uniqueness of our own attachments and identifications with our specific and unique parents, and the random lot we have been given in being born to our particular parents will result in tendencies of being intellectually attracted to particular kinds of people with traits similar to our opposite sex parent, and to having made part of our core character tendencies, similar traits of our same sex parent. This occurs through the imprinting processes of attachment and identification, respectively.

These will lead us to wanting to find all 16 Cardinal Virtues in one person and one romance, if that were possible. But regardless of our imperfections, we can do almost all we seek to accomplish in a romantic life, if we can at least find one, what Romantic Dynamics calls, "Golden Virtue" in the potential partner. This will be the one Cardinal Virtue that the other partner both imprinted and cultivated from their own same-sex parent, and which is similar to that one virtue of our opposite-sex parent, which we found most appealing and compelling to aspire to.

If the core feature of there even being an advantage to being in a long term relationship is that of having success in getting to lifelong goals with a partner, then it might make sense to you that your union should have a combination of the 4 most crucial personal traits of a successful individual - intelligence, maturity, beliefs, and goals - combined with the 4 most crucial skills of any pairing on a team, or partnership - curiosity, communication, compromise (synthesis), and collaboration (execution.)

With this in mind, let us look at the 16 Cardinal Virtues that define Step 8 of courtship.

The 16 Cardinal Virtues of Romance

THE PARTNERSHIP SKILL OF CURIOSITY

The first skill of partnership in a long-term romantic relationship is perhaps the most important: CURIOSITY. It means more than just an interest in current events. It means having an active mind that asks kind questions of ourselves and our partners, and without it, we cannot build the other three Skills of Commitment, or Partnership.

Curiosity means that we don't just believe anything we read, or gossip we hear, but we are willing to investigate the emotional truth of any matter, and by using the psychological core skill of personal growth, Observing Ego, we are awake and aware to what is happening in our relationship and our environment, willing to grow and change with them both. Without Observing Ego, and therefore, without Curiosity as a skill, we end up with major regrets in our relationships. These 4 Virtues, below, can guarantee you a leg up on having more curiosity in your relationship.

1. Scholarliness: Intelligence + Curiosity ➳

Scholarliness is a combination of the skill of Curiosity with the trait of intelligence. Curiosity, you may remember, is largely composed of the core psychological skill of Observing Ego, paired with an educated eye, full of "left brain" ability for detail, history, and organization. The skill of curiosity is universally useful, no matter what one's intelligence level is, but in the absence of the latter, a curious person may have a lot of obstacles and pitfalls to overcome on their life's path - like the medieval fictional character, Parcival, noble, but rife with mistakes and lessons before getting to his goals. As a result, it is very advantageous to pair someone with both ample book-learning education, yet also with a robust set of lessons in life's experience, and an inborn gift of intelligence from the start - the large capacity to efficiently fill up on both forms of learning: education AND experience.

2. Philosophy: Maturity + Curiosity ➳

Philosophy is a combination of the skill of curiosity with the trait of maturity. Curiosity, you may remember, is largely composed of the core psychological skill of Observing Ego, paired with an educated eye, full of "left brain" ability for detail, history, and organization. It has bearing on our performance in phase three - intellectual attraction - step eight, where we seek to amplify the best virtues toward our goals.

3. Honor: Beliefs + Curiosity ➳

Honor is a combination of the skill of curiosity with the trait of beliefs. Curiosity, you may remember, is largely composed of the core psychological skill of Observing Ego, paired with an educated eye, full of "left brain" ability for detail, history, and organization. Beliefs, you may recall, pertain to ideas that we deem to be true and valid, and yet carry such a large degree of emotion in them, that they are valued by us, and become such a part of our decision-making strategies, that they are far more than just ideas. We think of them as "truths" in part, because they also emerge as a function of our very identity. Honor has bearing on our performance in phase three - intellectual attraction - step eight, where we seek to amplify the best virtues toward our goals.

4. Aspiration: Goals + Curiosity ➳

Aspiration is a combination of the skill of curiosity with the trait of having eyes on goals. Curiosity, you may remember, is largely composed of the core psychological skill of Observing Ego, paired with an educated eye, full of "left brain" ability for detail, history, and organization. Goals, you may recall, pertain to actual accomplishments that we do not yet attain, own or control, which makes the attaining of goals, the only mature, legitimate way of actually gaining more real control over our world. We think of them as "what we want to become,"which is the same as aspiration, only if we really do care about them and have curiosity about their nature and how we might gather our resources to attain them.  They, then, also emerge as a function of our very identity. Aspiration has bearing on our performance in phase three - intellectual attraction - step eight, where we seek to amplify the best virtues toward our goals.

THE PARTNERSHIP SKILL OF COMMUNICATION

The second Skill of Partnership is one that cannot happen without Curiosity, first. Communication is more than just sending text messages and emails. It is the crucial foundation for the other two necessary long term partnership skills of Compromise and Collaboration. It is also, other than the sensations of touch and sight, the major means by which we can even convey love, through emotional expression, the Emotional Attraction, Phase 2 of Courtship.

While Sexual Attraction may be conveyed largely nonverbally, through touch and sight, Intellectual Attraction - the seeking of goals successfully as a couple, and whole purpose of Phase 3 of Courtship - would not be possible without great communication. We need to communicate accurately, dynamically, and remember that communication is both that of ideas and emotions too, simultaneously.  When we are not good at this, we essentially are crippled at loving, and find it impossible to reach success as a team and couple. These 4 Virtues below, can guarantee you success at communication.

5. Influence: Intelligence + Communication ➳

Influence is a major virtue of commitment, which is a combination of the skill of communication with the commonality, or trait of intelligence. Communication can be looked at in various ways. Simply put, it is an expression of ideas that also likely carry emotional energy as well. This makes them similar to beliefs, which have the same structure, but the difference is that beliefs are contained within us, sometimes unconsciously, until expressed to others in communication.

6. Elegance: Maturity + Communication ➳

Elegance is defined as "making the complex, simple to understand," and is composed of the skill of communicationwith the commitment trait of maturity. It is the quality of being graceful and stylish in appearance or manner; style." A slender woman with grace and elegance" is an example.

7. Honesty: Beliefs + Communication ➳

Beliefs are first and foremost, private and personal, and so the communication of beliefs is quite honest. When you convey your ideas honestly, you include the data, but also the heart-felt emotion associated, and are taking a bit of a risk with the audience in so doing. This makes honesty a virtue, because you are being constructive and win/win in offering your ideas to others, some of which may be beneficial to them, and to you. But in choosing the wrong audience or wrong composition of the audience for your message, you may be misunderstood, or worse, unfairly criticized or attacked by them for your ideas.

8. Inspiration: Goals + Communication ➳

Beliefs are first and foremost, private and personal, and so the communication of beliefs is quite honest. When you convey your ideas honestly, you include the data, but also the heart-felt emotion associated, and are taking a bit of a risk with the audience in so doing. This makes honesty a virtue, because you are being constructive and win/win in offering your ideas to others, some of which may be beneficial to them, and to you. But in choosing the wrong audience or wrong composition of the audience for your message, you may be misunderstood, or worse, unfairly criticized or attacked by them for your ideas.

THE PARTNERSHIP SKILL OF COMPROMISE

The third skill of Commitment and Partnership - Compromise - must be in place before we can actually reach the final step of achieving success in our shared goals in life as a couple, through Collaboration. Otherwise we will be actively investing in goals, but secretly or not so secretly working at cross purposes in the 11th hour before success. We all know what the word means, and usually people assume that it is entirely composed of sacrifices of some sort, when we are discussing relationships.

However, in the Romantic Dynamics definition, we are trying to minimize "sacrifice," to instead focus on SYNTHESIS of two different people's lifelong goals and dreams. It is a discussion, and without communication ability, and curiosity to begin with, we cannot hope to get to compromises on what our shared, joint goals will be.

In a successful, long term relationship, there absolutely has to be an honoring of each individual's PERSONAL life's goals and dreams. Without this, the entire concept of a committed relationship is doomed, by way of being nothing but a giant sacrifice for both parties, or else a many-years-long bullying session, where one codependent partner dominates the other, and only one person lives their dreams while the other person is up for lifelong sacrifice. Compromise as a master Skill of Commitment, guarantees that both people "win," thorugh a constructive synthesis that joins their personal goals at the hip, to make joint, couples' goals. These four Cardinal Virtues can be cultivated to help you master Compromise at this level.

9. Authority: Intelligence + Compromise ➳

Authority is defined in the dictionary as "the power or right to give orders, make decisions, and enforce obedience." The nature of this term is seen as being of appeal as a trait in a partner which one needs if they are more of a thinking and feeling type person, as opposed to a "do-er." It is a character trait and virtue that you want, when you see yourself desiring a partner with a "take charge attitude." Authority is a combination of the Skill of Compromisewith the trait (or Commonality) of Intelligence.

10. Justice: Maturity + Compromise ➳

Justice is one of the mature, high character virtues which rightfully gives feedback to others in the form of guilt. As opposed to passive-aggressiveness or masochism, which seeks to dump anxiety or guilt on others, justice is meant to encourage a correction of behavior in the areas of the conscience or ethics on the part of the receiving partner, or correction of the naivete or lack of intuition on the part of the overly conscientious partner learning to execute justice.

11. Service: Beliefs + Compromise ➳

Service is defined in the dictionary as "supplying or delivery," or "a system supplying a public need such as transport, communications, or utilities such as electricity and water." The nature of this term is seen as being of appeal as a trait in a partner which one needs if they are more of a thinker and private person, but enjoy access to people and experiences other than their more comfortable, humble world. It is a character trait and virtue that you want, when you see yourself desiring a partner with both "devotion" (as in, "to a cause") and "access" or "connections." Service is a combination of the Skill of Compromise with the trait (or Commonality) of Beliefs.

12. Heroism: Goals + Compromise ➳

Heroism is defined in the dictionary as "bravery, courage, valor, intrepidity, boldness, daring, audacity, fearlessness." It is a character trait and virtue that you want, when you see yourself desiring to help or even save a partner. Heroism is a combination of the Skill of Compromise with the trait (or Commonality) of success at goals.

THE PARTNERSHIP SKILL OF COLLABORATION

The 4th and final Skill of Commitment or Partnership is the one where we finally take everything we share, and join forces and resources to actually commit to investing them in a direction toward achieving our joint goals. There is no turning back, now.  Which is why, if we didn't have Curiosity, Communication, and Compromise online first, we would be doomed to failure and the waste of our resources of time, energy and money. Without Curiosity, we shouldn't be with such a person. They are wasting our time as a pseudo-teammate in life. Without accurate and heart-felt Communication, we will be prone to error and misunderstandings that cause failure.

Without Compromise, we have not yet "synthesized" our personal goals and dreams together with joined, shared, RELATIONSHIP goals and dreams as a couple, causing such confusion, cross-purposes and sacrifice instead of success, that we would not last as a couple.

With Collaboration, we learn to work as a dynamic team, willing to change direction, fight threats, overcome obstacles, all with the full passion of the reptilian brains - our masculinity and femininity - those instincts which light up when we pursue our dreams. With Collaboration, we also become ever-tighter friends, best-friends, in fact, sharing love and the positive emotions of friendship.

Finally, it is only with Collaboration that the "two may join as one" - seen in the world's marriage rites, where the power of a team of two (at achieving goals and dreams jointly) - that a couple can consistently succeed at their dreams, time and time again. These 4 Virtues will help you master this skill as partners.

13. Competence: Intelligence + Collaboration ➳

Competence is defined in the dictionary as "the ability to do something successfully or efficiently." It is a character trait and virtue that you want when you see yourself desiring to get to a goal quickly and with the least waste of resources, which is efficiency. Competence is a combination of the Skill of Collaboration with the trait (or Commonality) of Intelligence.

14. Equanimity: Maturity + Collaboration ➳

Equanimity is defined in the dictionary as "mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation." It is a character trait and virtue that you want when you see yourself desiring to get to a goal smoothly and with the least waste of resources on drama, error, overwhelm and fear, which is obviously a function of having good boundaries with doors rather than boundary holes. Equanimity is a combination of the Skill of Collaboration with the trait (or Commonality) of Maturity.

15. Resourcefulness: Beliefs + Collaboration ➳

Resourcefulness sounds like a general term, but it is highly specific in Romantic Dynamics terminology as combining the Skill of Collaboration with the Trait or Commonality of Beliefs, to make for a person who is gifted and practiced at gathering team resources together to ready them for actual execution toward a joint goal. To others, it may seem like they can "do magic" with very little, and so the character virtue falls into the domain of natural funciton of the Magician Personality Style.

16. Resilience: Goals + Collaboration ➳

Resilience sounds like a general term, but it is highly specific in Romantic Dynamics terminology as combining the Skill of Collaboration with the Trait or Commonality of Goals and their execution and achievement, to make for a person who is gifted and practiced at actual execution toward a joint goal as a team. It may seem surprising that this character virtue is not one like "decisiveness" or 'being a winner" (although Resilience is really the ONLY way to actually "win" in the end.) It recognizes the human condition as imperfect and prone to little failures on the way to a goal, but the ability to "pick one up by the bootstraps" and persist, anyway.

The Four Commonalities of Commitment are the most common four things that two people must share, in order for a partnership toward specific life's goals to go well. They are akin to a compatibility in intellectual attraction in a committed relationship. They will also seem common-sense to you as necessary for people to not be working at cross-purposes toward a goal.

However, you will find that each of them has a basis in some major part of our basic psychological workings in the area of character maturity and virtue that are necessary for a committed relationship.

In Romantic Dynamics, we often talk about different kinds of "compatibility," in terms of other areas of courtship, such as the emotional attraction of friendship. (We don't need a "compatibility" for sexual attraction, since the only requirement is that there be a polarity between masculinity and femininity in each partner, with knowledge and encouragement of the features in our partner that we ourselves don't have in gender instincts.) With emotional attraction and friendship, there will be

With emotional attraction and friendship, there will be differing styles of emotion and self-esteem. For example, Warriors and Magicians have ample confidence, while Kings, Queens and Lovers do not. They are dominant in the other type of self-esteem - well-being - that Warriors and Magicians, lack, themselves. These four personalities of the Social Personality System also tend to have opposite complementary intellectual styles in some of them being more analytical and left-brained, while others are more creative, and right-brained.  As a result, there can be emotional and intellectual "compatibility" among friends, which draws from being "different" or "complementary opposites" of each other that lead to a more whole, complete best-friendship, naturally drawing two people together in emotional attraction.

However, in intellectual attraction and partnership, the phase of the day is, "Like attracts like." People with similarities have "compatibility" in the sense of "birds of a feather, flock together." The reason behind this has to do with the notion of pursuing goals together. Where friendship needs diversity and differences to be most powerful, the goals we strive for need a single-minded approach of agreement on the goal. This will be part of what we call, "Character Compatibility" of Step 8 of human courtship - "Who We Are" (as a couple.)

While these four may seem common-sense to anyone as agreed-upon features in partners, they are both universal to people, and specific to the idea of success in getting to goals. They use the needed "working parts" of psychology to get to goals. And among the most powerful combinations of our psychological features is to pair these 4 "commonalities" with the 4 "skills of commitment," to make what we call, "Two-factor Authentication" of your mate - sixteen combinations of skills and similarities.

When people lack one or more of these 4 commonalities, it not only impairs their ability to function as a team toward shared goals, but also can feel to them like they "don't speak the same language" or "don't come from the same culture." Such mismatched traits as intelligence, beliefs, goals and maturity can feel to the two people like they "just don't get each other," and it can serve you well to test these four areas whenever you feel that way about a date, boyfriend or girlfriend, before moving upward into the intellectual attraction phase of courtship, and partnership where the stakes are high for you.

People usually can't "work on" or change their "commonalities," since they usually have to do with an inherent trait of a person - intelligence level, tastes and preferences, beliefs and the like. Why would you want to even try to change such things? They are a part of who you are. And so among the most powerful combinations of relationship ideas for a full, "intellectual compatibility" between couples on a team comes when we combine the 4 Commonalities of Commitment with the 4 Skills of Commitment.  The former we usually can't or don't want to change about ourselves, and the latter, we actually can work on and build, the more mature we are.

So, let's look at the things that generally contribute to "Who We Are" as a couple, (which is step 8 of human courtship - "Compatible Character.")

The Four Commonalities of Commitment

Commonality of Intelligence ➳

Keep in mind that when we refer to intellectual style" in Romantic Dynamics, that has to do with how we process data in the form of analytical, historical, "left-brained" information versus creative, artistic, future-oriented, "right-brained" information. Intelligence is something a bit different. Whether left-brained, or right-brained, or hopefully both as a "style" of the intellect, intelligence in our model refers more to the sheer amount, efficiency, and fire-power" of both of the styles of intellect. Which may depend on a balance of both left- and right-brained processing, and the AMOUNT of power in both.  It's how smart you are, as in IQ. And the highest IQ will have both left- and right-brained processing.

Commonality of Maturity ➳

This social habit is more than just ‘zoning out,” since it involves utterly losing touch with one’s sense of personhood for a time, to separate the experience of trauma, attack or anxiety on that personhood, a bit like getting up and leaving a room in which there is an argument going on, only the room is you.

Commonality of Beliefs and Values ➳

This social habit is more than just ‘zoning out,” since it involves utterly losing touch with one’s sense of personhood for a time, to separate the experience of trauma, attack or anxiety on that personhood, a bit like getting up and leaving a room in which there is an argument going on, only the room is you.

Commonality of Shared Goals ➳

This social habit is more than just ‘zoning out,” since it involves utterly losing touch with one’s sense of personhood for a time, to separate the experience of trauma, attack or anxiety on that personhood, a bit like getting up and leaving a room in which there is an argument going on, only the room is you.

BACK TO INTELLECTUAL ATTRACTION

It may seem like common sense that two people teaming up toward joint goals in partnership need to share some similar beliefs and things they value, or else partnership will not go so well. Even so, we need to think a bit about what a belief is, since it doesn't need to pertain to the fine details of what goals they choose together. It may be as simple a mismatch as one partner being much more the optimist of the relationship and the other being far more a pessimist.

They may then, both enjoy beach vacations as a family goal, but when one of them is far more pessimistic, this may get in the way of actually even enjoying success if they do reach the goal, or if one is far more overly optimistic as to be foolish about the goal, or "pie in the sky" in thinking, it may sabotage actually reaching the goal by way of first having a realistic strategy together.

There are many unforeseen incompatibilities of one's beliefs and things of value that need to be explored by a couple, before they ever get together in the first place, and among those are the beliefs held dearest in life, including those pertaining to your personal "life's mission" or "life's purpose." Depending which phrase you like best, there will be "dearest beliefs" that also feed your sense of gender instincts as a man or woman, and these cannot be violated, even for the sake of very admirable "joint goals." Both your personal goals as individuals, and joint goals as a couple must be met in the partnership, for it to last.

For example, he may despise living in the suburbs because they directly interfere with the convenience of excelling at his personal career mission, and neglect of this sabotages his very sense of masculinity. Sexual attraction, and attractiveness, dies as a result and so does the relationship.

She may despise living in the noisy city center, which is unfit for raising children - a major goal of hers - and for the calm needed in her career purpose as a writer and artist.  Neglect of this set of beliefs, "cities are noisy," is the death-knell of the relationship, due to a subduing of her femininity and instinctual expression that carries certain "dearly held" beliefs within it.

You have likely encountered many times when there has been a great mismatch between the quality of a partner's beliefs - such as political, religious, or parental style beliefs that are very different from your own. This tends to cause one of the partners to have to work extra hard for them to reach the personal success at their personal, "life's purpose" or "life's mission" on account of sacrifice of it for the "joint goals" of the couple - even when they fully agree with the latter.  Which can lead to the resentment of the one doing far more work, energy expenditure, time expenditure, when their personal goals do not simultaneously also carry weight in the "joint goals." And where the partner's personal goals are very similar to the stated "joint goals" of the couple. This often happens when there is codependence in the relationship, and one partner is more of a "bully" about what constitutes "joint goals" than those of the other.

He's a Republican and she's a Democrat. He's Jewish and she's Catholic. He's from the Eastern Seaboard, and she is from the West Coast - all of which carry certain cultural beliefs. It's where you often hear, "you're not with the program," or "get with the program" in a fight, or when at breakup, one of the partners says, "we grew apart" (meaning that the life's goals personally put on hold to sacrifice for the "relationship," were neglected all along by the more narcissistic partner, who bullied the partnership into their personal goals being the same as the supposed, "joint goals.)

Stop this at the beginning, by comparing beliefs in a prospective mate, that are attuned to personal goals, "life's mission" or "life's purpose" in the first place.

BACK TO COMMONALITIES OF COMMITMENT

Keep in mind that when we refer to intellectual style" in Romantic Dynamics, that has to do with how we process data in the form of analytical, historical, "left-brained" information versus creative, artistic, future-oriented, "right-brained" information. Intelligence is something a bit different. Whether left-brained, or right-brained, or hopefully both as a "style" of the intellect, intelligence in our model refers more to the sheer amount, efficiency, and fire-power" of both of the styles of intellect. Which may depend on a balance of both left- and right-brained processing, and the AMOUNT of power in both.  It's how smart you are, as in IQ. And the highest IQ will have both left- and right-brained processing.

It is a good thing when two personality styles get together and give even more intellectual "fire-power" to get to goals. Like a "left-brained" pilot and a "right-brained" pilot, the partners may work together to get to a goal by taking up the slack in the intellectual skill the other lacks. When the left-brained person gets too "tunnel visioned" the right-brained person loosens them up to see more adaptive possibilities. When the right-brained person gets too lost in their big vision at the cost of the fine details, the left-brain person focuses them down to what we need to do in today's bullet-point list.

However, you have likely encountered many times when there has been a great mismatch between the sheer "size" of a partner's left-brain or right-brain - much larger or smaller than your own. This tends to cause one of the partners to have to rely too heavily on the other to have them both reach success, to the resentment of the one doing more intellectual work. It also can feel to them to be a kind of "cultural difference" that carries beliefs and goals not at all matching each other, and in an almost "language I can't comprehend," when one partner is far smarter than the other.

It is then good to assure you have picked a partner of opposite style of intellect - a King or Queen with a Magician or a Lover with a Warrior - but you also need to make sure that you have picked a mate of similar sheer intelligence on the whole.

BACK TO COMMONALITIES OF COMMITMENT

Similar to a match of intelligence, two people as a couple need to be on similar levels in terms of their maturity level, or "character maturity," with regard to how much pathological narcissism and vice they have as individuals, versus how many character virtues they have.  If there is a vast difference in maturity level, this leads to more of a relationship between "mother and son" or "father and daughter," which have taboos of their own in terms of sexual attraction (dying off), and even of friendship working. Such a mismatch then causes the other two kinds of attraction - sexual and emotional - from phase one and two of courtship, to fail before we even get started.

You have likely encountered many times when there has been a great mismatch between the sheer "size" or quality of a partner's character maturity - much more advanced, spiritually, or on the other hand, lesser than your own. This tends to cause one of the partners to have to rely too heavily on the other to have them both reach success, through the wisdom, honesty, generosity, and other virtues of one partner that are far greater than those of the other. Which can lead to the resentment of the one doing more "adult," responsible, disciplined work and sacrifice than the other. To the more spiritually advanced, mature partner, it can feel like the burden of "parenting" the other, which is not what we sign up for in a mature romantic relationship. To the less advanced, more immature partner, this realization either is not comprehensible, or feels hurtful, because to them, at their maturity level, they may be "doing their best."

The situation can lead to fighting of course, for which there is no solution, and also can feel to them to be a kind of "cultural difference" that carries beliefs and goals not at all matching each other due to the mismatched maturity, and in an almost "language I can't comprehend," when one partner is far more mature than the other.

BACK TO COMMONALITIES OF COMMITMENT

Shared goals are tricky, because we need to understand the differences between codependence (and intimacy), independence, and interdependence in order to wrap our minds around a major task of intellectual attraction - to both meet our personal life's goals (called a "mission" or "purpose"), while at the same time, agreeing upon major, shared, "joint goals" as a partnered couple.

If you could imagine two circles that intersect and join at each other's center, then the oval, "mandorla" shape of their overlap is what we call, "the relationship." It will have shared resources, shared beliefs and values, shared responsibility (it is a shared personal boundary.) However, all that constitutes a person is not just within that overlap. There is personal privacy, thoughts, emotions, and personal goals that remain personal, even within a mature partnership.  When this overlap is really large, then the relationship is "codependent."  When the overlap is so small that you have to wonder whether there is intimacy ever, or a relationship at all, it is an "overly-independent," cold relationship. But when it's just right, "the Goldilocks Zone" of relationships, it is "interdependent."  Which means that both personal and shared goals are given value and can be met successfully in intellectual attraction.

You have likely encountered many times when there has been a great mismatch between the details of a partner's personal goals - such as financial, career, or parental goals that are very different from your own. Because you are so passionate and enamored at first, you may shrug this off as something that you can compromise on or even sacrifice about yourself, for the sake of getting together or staying together. It is a Faustian Deal that you are making, and it will eventually rear its ugly head.

He is a cowboy from the West, and she is an attorney from the city. They have very different goals. She wants one child and he wants six. This is an obstacle to goals that are dearly held, which carry beliefs that are dearly held, too.  When they get together, will they live in the city or the country? Will they all become Catholic or Jewish? Or only the children? And how many will they have?  When you hear of such personal, dearly-loved goals in frist dating, do pay attention, because it may cause trouble later.

This tends to cause one of the partners to have to work extra hard for them to reach the personal success at their personal, "life's purpose" or "life's mission" on account of sacrifice of it for the "joint goals" of the couple - even when they fully agree with the latter.  Which can lead to the resentment of the one doing far more work, energy expenditure, time expenditure, when their personal goals do not simultaneously also carry weight in the "joint goals." And where the partner's personal goals are very similar to the stated "joint goals" of the couple. This often happens when there is codependence in the relationship, and one partner is more of a "bully" about what constitutes "joint goals" than those of the other.

It's where you often hear, "you're not with the program," or "get with the program" in a fight, or when at breakup, one of the partners says, "we grew apart" (meaning that the life's goals personally put on hold to sacrifice for the "relationship," were neglected all along by the more narcissistic partner, who bullied the partnership into their personal goals being the same as the supposed, "joint goals.)

These dear goals will also tend to be very different from that of the partner because of Gender Instinct differences between men "on a mission" and women "with a purpose." They can't be compromised or sacrificed to the "joint goals" of the couple, or risk obliterating the very sense of self in one of the partners, by way of destruction of their masculinity or femininity (which will then also harm the sexual attraction and happiness of "feeling alive with passion for life.")

Even in the overlap between personal goals of a man or woman with the joint goals of a couple, the WAY in which the person's identity is expressed will be different. For example, a man may feel that "fathering" is a different thing with different goals than the "parenting" envisioned as a set of goals for the woman's point of view as "mothering."

Stop this at the beginning, by comparing dearly held, personal life's goals in a prospective mate, that are attuned to personal beliefs and values, "life's mission" or "life's purpose" in the first place.

BACK TO COMMONALITIES OF COMMITMENT

We can't move on to Compromise or Collaboration as relationship skills before we master the Communication between us, and we can't work on the communication between us if one or the other person doesn't even have interest in us - Curiosity and an openness to new learning.

Without intimacy (two people being present minded at the same time), communication falls flat or is inaccurate, distracted, and includes erroneous or irrelevant information, when Observing Ego is not employed. Bad communication also comes from a lack of Observing Ego to make us not miss details about someone else’s ideas or emotions in sending and receiving communication. It also comes from a lack of personal boundary skill to assure that there is not distortion or a twisting of their words or actions into something that was not intended to be conveyed in the way it did.

Think of these four skills, in order, as going from "interest" in one's partner (and self), to "connection" with them, to "synthesis" of identity and goals, then finally, "unity" with each other in a new, action-oriented form.

Likewise, the four "commonalities" or traits that we may have in common, think of as, "how-to" (for intelligence), which comes before "balance of interests and resources" or "pooling of resources" (which comes with maturity), followed by "why do this thing" (that comes from an examination of one's personal and shared beliefs, otherwise, why do the thing?), and then "execution" (which is the nuts and bolts of going for the specific goal, in how we perform.)

When we think about the communication needs of a committed relationship, we usually think too simplistically, in that any person on the planet can, of course, communicate. What we miss is that the necessary communication skills of true partners who accomplish goals together needs something very specific.

First, it needs to be free of cognitive distortions that are very common in the Primitive Ego Defenses and Immature Ego Defenses, the universal, age-appropriate, unconscious, automatic social skills of small children and early adolescents. One problem that cannot be overcome by general immaturity of character rests in this skill, in that it is nearly impossible for someone operating at that Ego Defense level to even begin to acquire the necessary communication quality free of distortion enough to make the relationship last in the intellectual attraction - where we must successfully reach our goals.

Just think of the stakes for two mountain-climbers, climbing alone on a mountain, and facing bad weather, the altitude, cold, risk of falling, ice, and other deadly conditions. This is the risk of teaming up with an immature partner who twists communication into inaccuracy, or danger to both you, and to themselves. Take that metaphor into the financial, legal, career, and parenting arenas and imagine what errors can be made over time, until there is one stress that comes along and not only does in the relationship, but does in the financial or occupational (or physical) health of one of the partners or their children.

Thus, communication is a major skill of commitment.

BACK TO SKILLS OF COMMITMENT

Character Compatibility is a different harmony between partners than an alignment of personality styles, or of polarity of masculinity and femininity. It goes far beyond shared interests, to be sure.  Since Phase 3 of Courtship - Teamwork, Partnership, and Commitment - are about aligning to be a successful team at getting to joint goals in intellectual attraction. Then the compatibility we are talking about must be about a joint encouragement of the faculties of the intellect, executive function, and maturity of character that makes not only an individual highly efficient and effective at getting to goals, but of the "sum being greater than its parts" in making each other more successful than the individuals could, alone.

As such, there is a mutual amplification of the tendency to grow more mature and successful on account of each other. To expand each partner's personal growth on account of the interventions of the other partner. To the principles of Romantic Dynamics, this means a mutual set of virtues of character that are unique and special to that couple.

Virtues of character make for a good person, a wise person and a successful person, but virtues are not all interchangeable or of equal amplification of each other. Some are more or less, related to each other and others have more diversity when collected together. In the end, there are certain combinations of virtue in two partners that are going to be more in alignment, more balancing and rounding out of each other in composing a couple.

So, Character Compatibility will need to see us coupling with a person whose own character virtues of their maturity having a special "chemistry" with our own, and one that leads to more efficient, effective success at our joint life's goals as a couple.

In Phase 3 of Romantic Dynamics and the courtship process, Step 7, "Who We Are," then we need to look at the 4 Skills of Commitment, in how advanced they are for each partner, as well as the 4 Commonalities of Commitment in how aligned we are, "culturally," which will suggest an automatic harmony of any attempt at joint goals as a couple.

"Two-factor Authentication" is a term we use for combining these two sets of four factors, to make a total of 16 Cardinal Virtues of Romance - the permutation and combination of each of four skills of intellectual attraction with four common beneficial features of intellectual attraction which also make an individual successful in life.

The Four Skills of Commitment that smooth our teamwork are also called the "4 C's" - Curiosity, Communication, Compromise, and Collaboration. One leads to the next, for example, we won't even bother to communicate if one or both of us lack curiosity. We can't begin to compromise and join resources if we can't communicate accurately and with appeal, and we certainly can't collaborate, if we have very different agendas and conflicting life's goals, having not gone through the synthetic process of compromise, to prevent major "sacrifices" in the future.

The Four Traits or Commonalities of Commitment that power individual success (but also influence choice of goals) are Intelligence, Maturity, Similarity of Beliefs (and Preferences), and Similarity of Life's Goals. It is important to remember that the power of the commonalities of Commitment rests in the fact that they are "in common": Two people with similar intelligence, similar maturity, similar beliefs, and similar life's goals. One person, alone, cannot carry all the weight of the team with these, and so they should be used early, in screening a date, boyfriend or girlfriend as a potential partner. In addition, large differences in these four, results in a "difference in cultural background" - the two people are "just too different to be compatible," a problem that just can't be overcome by more intelligence, more maturity, or more of any of the virtues, like heroism, resilience, or others. Many people beat their head against a wall over this, thinking, "If only I could be even more X, better, smarter, etc," then things will work out. They won't, without commonality of a majority of these traits.

Combining the first four with the latter four, give us 16 Cardinal Virtues of all intellectual, goal-oriented romantic connections to a mate, even though one can have hundreds of kinds of virtues to their character. In the example at left, we see the Trait of Life's Goals combine with the Skill of Collaboration to give us the last important Virtue of Commitment, or "Cardinal Virtue" or "character virtue" a partner needs to cultivate in order to be a solid partner in romance, for life: Resilience.

In addition, the uniqueness of our own attachments and identifications with our specific and unique parents, and the random lot we have been given in being born to our particular parents will result in tendencies of being intellectually attracted to particular kinds of people with traits similar to our opposite sex parent, and to having made part of our core character tendencies, similar traits of our same sex parent. This occurs through the imprinting processes of attachment and identification, respectively.

These will lead us to wanting to find all 16 Cardinal Virtues in one person and one romance, if that were possible. But regardless of our imperfections, we can do almost all we seek to accomplish in a romantic life, if we can at least find one, what Romantic Dynamics calls, "Golden Virtue" in the potential partner. This will be the one Cardinal Virtue that the other partner both imprinted and cultivated from their own same-sex parent, and which is similar to that one virtue of our opposite-sex parent, which we found most appealing and compelling to aspire to.

If the core feature of there even being an advantage to being in a long term relationship is that of having success in getting to lifelong goals with a partner, then it might make sense to you that your union should have a combination of the 4 most crucial personal traits of a successful individual - intelligence, maturity, beliefs, and goals - combined with the 4 most crucial skills of any pairing on a team, or partnership - curiosity, communication, compromise (synthesis), and collaboration (execution.)

With this in mind, let us look at the 16 Cardinal Virtues that define Step 8 of courtship.

The 16 Cardinal Virtues of Romance

THE PARTNERSHIP SKILL OF CURIOSITY

The first skill of partnership in a long-term romantic relationship is perhaps the most important: CURIOSITY. It means more than just an interest in current events. It means having an active mind that asks kind questions of ourselves and our partners, and without it, we cannot build the other three Skills of Commitment, or Partnership.

Curiosity means that we don't just believe anything we read, or gossip we hear, but we are willing to investigate the emotional truth of any matter, and by using the psychological core skill of personal growth, Observing Ego, we are awake and aware to what is happening in our relationship and our environment, willing to grow and change with them both. Without Observing Ego, and therefore, without Curiosity as a skill, we end up with major regrets in our relationships. These 4 Virtues, below, can guarantee you a leg up on having more curiosity in your relationship.

Scholarliness: Intelligence + Curiosity ➳

Scholarliness is a combination of the skill of Curiosity with the trait of intelligence. Curiosity, you may remember, is largely composed of the core psychological skill of Observing Ego, paired with an educated eye, full of "left brain" ability for detail, history, and organization. The skill of curiosity is universally useful, no matter what one's intelligence level is, but in the absence of the latter, a curious person may have a lot of obstacles and pitfalls to overcome on their life's path - like the medieval fictional character, Parcival, noble, but rife with mistakes and lessons before getting to his goals. As a result, it is very advantageous to pair someone with both ample book-learning education, yet also with a robust set of lessons in life's experience, and an inborn gift of intelligence from the start - the large capacity to efficiently fill up on both forms of learning: education AND experience.

Philosophy: Maturity + Curiosity ➳

Philosophy is a combination of the skill of curiosity with the trait of maturity. Curiosity, you may remember, is largely composed of the core psychological skill of Observing Ego, paired with an educated eye, full of "left brain" ability for detail, history, and organization. It has bearing on our performance in phase three - intellectual attraction - step eight, where we seek to amplify the best virtues toward our goals.

Honor: Beliefs + Curiosity ➳

Honor is a combination of the skill of curiosity with the trait of beliefs. Curiosity, you may remember, is largely composed of the core psychological skill of Observing Ego, paired with an educated eye, full of "left brain" ability for detail, history, and organization. Beliefs, you may recall, pertain to ideas that we deem to be true and valid, and yet carry such a large degree of emotion in them, that they are valued by us, and become such a part of our decision-making strategies, that they are far more than just ideas. We think of them as "truths" in part, because they also emerge as a function of our very identity. Honor has bearing on our performance in phase three - intellectual attraction - step eight, where we seek to amplify the best virtues toward our goals.

Aspiration: Goals + Curiosity ➳

Aspiration is a combination of the skill of curiosity with the trait of having eyes on goals. Curiosity, you may remember, is largely composed of the core psychological skill of Observing Ego, paired with an educated eye, full of "left brain" ability for detail, history, and organization. Goals, you may recall, pertain to actual accomplishments that we do not yet attain, own or control, which makes the attaining of goals, the only mature, legitimate way of actually gaining more real control over our world. We think of them as "what we want to become,"which is the same as aspiration, only if we really do care about them and have curiosity about their nature and how we might gather our resources to attain them.  They, then, also emerge as a function of our very identity. Aspiration has bearing on our performance in phase three - intellectual attraction - step eight, where we seek to amplify the best virtues toward our goals.

THE PARTNERSHIP SKILL OF COMMUNICATION

The second Skill of Partnership is one that cannot happen without Curiosity, first. Communication is more than just sending text messages and emails. It is the crucial foundation for the other two necessary long term partnership skills of Compromise and Collaboration. It is also, other than the sensations of touch and sight, the major means by which we can even convey love, through emotional expression, the Emotional Attraction, Phase 2 of Courtship.

While Sexual Attraction may be conveyed largely nonverbally, through touch and sight, Intellectual Attraction - the seeking of goals successfully as a couple, and whole purpose of Phase 3 of Courtship - would not be possible without great communication. We need to communicate accurately, dynamically, and remember that communication is both that of ideas and emotions too, simultaneously.  When we are not good at this, we essentially are crippled at loving, and find it impossible to reach success as a team and couple. These 4 Virtues below, can guarantee you success at communication.

5. Influence: Intelligence + Communication ➳

Influence is a major virtue of commitment, which is a combination of the skill of communication with the commonality, or trait of intelligence. Communication can be looked at in various ways. Simply put, it is an expression of ideas that also likely carry emotional energy as well. This makes them similar to beliefs, which have the same structure, but the difference is that beliefs are contained within us, sometimes unconsciously, until expressed to others in communication.

6. Elegance: Maturity + Communication ➳

Elegance is defined as "making the complex, simple to understand," and is composed of the skill of communicationwith the commitment trait of maturity. It is the quality of being graceful and stylish in appearance or manner; style." A slender woman with grace and elegance" is an example.

7. Honesty: Beliefs + Communication ➳

Beliefs are first and foremost, private and personal, and so the communication of beliefs is quite honest. When you convey your ideas honestly, you include the data, but also the heart-felt emotion associated, and are taking a bit of a risk with the audience in so doing. This makes honesty a virtue, because you are being constructive and win/win in offering your ideas to others, some of which may be beneficial to them, and to you. But in choosing the wrong audience or wrong composition of the audience for your message, you may be misunderstood, or worse, unfairly criticized or attacked by them for your ideas.

8. Inspiration: Goals + Communication ➳

Beliefs are first and foremost, private and personal, and so the communication of beliefs is quite honest. When you convey your ideas honestly, you include the data, but also the heart-felt emotion associated, and are taking a bit of a risk with the audience in so doing. This makes honesty a virtue, because you are being constructive and win/win in offering your ideas to others, some of which may be beneficial to them, and to you. But in choosing the wrong audience or wrong composition of the audience for your message, you may be misunderstood, or worse, unfairly criticized or attacked by them for your ideas.

THE PARTNERSHIP SKILL OF COMPROMISE

The third skill of Commitment and Partnership - Compromise - must be in place before we can actually reach the final step of achieving success in our shared goals in life as a couple, through Collaboration. Otherwise we will be actively investing in goals, but secretly or not so secretly working at cross purposes in the 11th hour before success. We all know what the word means, and usually people assume that it is entirely composed of sacrifices of some sort, when we are discussing relationships.

However, in the Romantic Dynamics definition, we are trying to minimize "sacrifice," to instead focus on SYNTHESIS of two different people's lifelong goals and dreams. It is a discussion, and without communication ability, and curiosity to begin with, we cannot hope to get to compromises on what our shared, joint goals will be.

In a successful, long term relationship, there absolutely has to be an honoring of each individual's PERSONAL life's goals and dreams. Without this, the entire concept of a committed relationship is doomed, by way of being nothing but a giant sacrifice for both parties, or else a many-years-long bullying session, where one codependent partner dominates the other, and only one person lives their dreams while the other person is up for lifelong sacrifice. Compromise as a master Skill of Commitment, guarantees that both people "win," thorugh a constructive synthesis that joins their personal goals at the hip, to make joint, couples' goals. These four Cardinal Virtues can be cultivated to help you master Compromise at this level.

9. Authority: Intelligence + Compromise ➳

Authority is defined in the dictionary as "the power or right to give orders, make decisions, and enforce obedience." The nature of this term is seen as being of appeal as a trait in a partner which one needs if they are more of a thinking and feeling type person, as opposed to a "do-er." It is a character trait and virtue that you want, when you see yourself desiring a partner with a "take charge attitude." Authority is a combination of the Skill of Compromisewith the trait (or Commonality) of Intelligence.

10. Justice: Maturity + Compromise ➳

Justice is one of the mature, high character virtues which rightfully gives feedback to others in the form of guilt. As opposed to passive-aggressiveness or masochism, which seeks to dump anxiety or guilt on others, justice is meant to encourage a correction of behavior in the areas of the conscience or ethics on the part of the receiving partner, or correction of the naivete or lack of intuition on the part of the overly conscientious partner learning to execute justice.

11. Service: Beliefs + Compromise ➳

Service is defined in the dictionary as "supplying or delivery," or "a system supplying a public need such as transport, communications, or utilities such as electricity and water." The nature of this term is seen as being of appeal as a trait in a partner which one needs if they are more of a thinker and private person, but enjoy access to people and experiences other than their more comfortable, humble world. It is a character trait and virtue that you want, when you see yourself desiring a partner with both "devotion" (as in, "to a cause") and "access" or "connections." Service is a combination of the Skill of Compromise with the trait (or Commonality) of Beliefs.

12. Heroism: Goals + Compromise ➳

Heroism is defined in the dictionary as "bravery, courage, valor, intrepidity, boldness, daring, audacity, fearlessness." It is a character trait and virtue that you want, when you see yourself desiring to help or even save a partner. Heroism is a combination of the Skill of Compromise with the trait (or Commonality) of success at goals.

THE PARTNERSHIP SKILL OF COLLABORATION

The 4th and final Skill of Commitment or Partnership is the one where we finally take everything we share, and join forces and resources to actually commit to investing them in a direction toward achieving our joint goals. There is no turning back, now.  Which is why, if we didn't have Curiosity, Communication, and Compromise online first, we would be doomed to failure and the waste of our resources of time, energy and money. Without Curiosity, we shouldn't be with such a person. They are wasting our time as a pseudo-teammate in life. Without accurate and heart-felt Communication, we will be prone to error and misunderstandings that cause failure.

Without Compromise, we have not yet "synthesized" our personal goals and dreams together with joined, shared, RELATIONSHIP goals and dreams as a couple, causing such confusion, cross-purposes and sacrifice instead of success, that we would not last as a couple.

With Collaboration, we learn to work as a dynamic team, willing to change direction, fight threats, overcome obstacles, all with the full passion of the reptilian brains - our masculinity and femininity - those instincts which light up when we pursue our dreams. With Collaboration, we also become ever-tighter friends, best-friends, in fact, sharing love and the positive emotions of friendship.

Finally, it is only with Collaboration that the "two may join as one" - seen in the world's marriage rites, where the power of a team of two (at achieving goals and dreams jointly) - that a couple can consistently succeed at their dreams, time and time again. These 4 Virtues will help you master this skill as partners.

13. Competence: Intelligence + Collaboration ➳

Competence is defined in the dictionary as "the ability to do something successfully or efficiently." It is a character trait and virtue that you want when you see yourself desiring to get to a goal quickly and with the least waste of resources, which is efficiency. Competence is a combination of the Skill of Collaboration with the trait (or Commonality) of Intelligence.

14. Equanimity: Maturity + Collaboration ➳

Equanimity is defined in the dictionary as "mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation." It is a character trait and virtue that you want when you see yourself desiring to get to a goal smoothly and with the least waste of resources on drama, error, overwhelm and fear, which is obviously a function of having good boundaries with doors rather than boundary holes. Equanimity is a combination of the Skill of Collaboration with the trait (or Commonality) of Maturity.

15. Resourcefulness: Beliefs + Collaboration ➳

Resourcefulness sounds like a general term, but it is highly specific in Romantic Dynamics terminology as combining the Skill of Collaboration with the Trait or Commonality of Beliefs, to make for a person who is gifted and practiced at gathering team resources together to ready them for actual execution toward a joint goal. To others, it may seem like they can "do magic" with very little, and so the character virtue falls into the domain of natural funciton of the Magician Personality Style.

16. Resilience: Goals + Collaboration ➳

Resilience sounds like a general term, but it is highly specific in Romantic Dynamics terminology as combining the Skill of Collaboration with the Trait or Commonality of Goals and their execution and achievement, to make for a person who is gifted and practiced at actual execution toward a joint goal as a team. It may seem surprising that this character virtue is not one like "decisiveness" or 'being a winner" (although Resilience is really the ONLY way to actually "win" in the end.) It recognizes the human condition as imperfect and prone to little failures on the way to a goal, but the ability to "pick one up by the bootstraps" and persist, anyway.

Competence is defined in the dictionary as "the ability to do something successfully or efficiently." It is a character trait and virtue that you want when you see yourself desiring to get to a goal quickly and with the least waste of resources, which is efficiency. Competence is a combination of the Skill of Collaboration with the trait (or Commonality) of Intelligence.

We finally move from a focus on each other, and the actions of teamwork, to a new alignment with each other that has us turning outward at the world, our contribution to it, and rewards as a couple, from it. We are unified and focused on both our contribution to it, and the rewards of meeting our goals in it, through the Virtues of Collaboration as a skill of commitment.

What makes Competence unique as a character virtue, is that it addresses the focus on getting to a goal efficiently, which also assumes the mature, realistic expectation of some "trial and error," or "a learning curve." One or the other partner may even have to make a major sacrifice to the relationship, itself, just to learn a necessary lesson.

We see this often in such metaphors as a mountain climbing expedition, where a major expenditure of time might be lost, such as trying to summit Mt Everest and finding that we have to turn back and give up until the following year. It just isn't safe.

Or when a partner bites off more than they can chew in a new job opportunity, having to double back to a job they don't like, to save the family finances, or to keep the other partner happy on their particular path. Yet, there is an expectation of a gain in competence for so doing - the price we often pay for new education or experience being, "time." Whether in the form of having to go back to school for four whole years without one of two major incomes, or simply having to save for longer to take the next, educational vacation, we expect as a couple or a family to be even better for the personal sacrifice of new, perpetually useful knowledge and maturity.

From Aristotle's Golden Mean, we learn that every virtue also has two vices. In the case of Competence, the vice of excess is Usurpation, or "self-nomination," like crowning one's self, King or Queen. This also calls to mind that the King or Queen personality style - being one that lends itself so much to all things analytical and intellectual - is a good fit for the character trait of Competence. And so their darker side is one of being "snooty" or "Holier than Thou," assuming leadership as a given rather than being voted into leadership of something by your partner.

The vice of deficit for Competence is called, "Charlatanry," which is an easy opposite to understand: rather than being VERY gifted at something and making an assumption of leadership, one's pathological narcissism is facilitated by the "potential to learn" in a sharp, inborn, left-brained analytical mind, but in absence of actual education or competence sometimes seen in Lover or King/Queen personalities.

When it comes to life's goals and your dreams, it doesn't make for a good teammate to have "self-nomination to leadership" in a partner - bossiness - nor to have Charlatanry in a partner.

Usurpation toward a potential partner is similar to the common phrase that partners say: "She crowned herself, Princess." Or "He acts like he's all that, and assumed I'd just move to the new city and his new job with him," or in the case of Charlatanry, my boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse "Had me being the blind, following the blind."

These features show the vice in some relationships that pertain to the deep nature of how commitment and partnership really are a team approach, and even of the many ways that modern couples tend to ignore or violate their own marriage vows -  "to join the two, as one," rather than go to their goals in separate corners of the house, and "adhere to each other in good times and bad," rather than only when it's convenient.

We might often see a couple have a falling out, because they can see, hear and feel the deep level of disempowerment for either gender in "self-nominated leadership" or Charlatanry as vices, when instead, we needed their Competence (or potential for growing it) as a virtue - something that can only come from a mature, constructive place, characterized by a "win/win" actions toward real intimacy in the partnership. Intimacy that is not just sexual or honest, but actually joins them in action toward goals.

Competence has bearing on our performance in phase three - intellectual attraction - step eight, where we seek to amplify the best virtues toward our goals. It is what causes us to see our mate as "knowledgeable" in our lives, and us to feel that we will have losses, but will have more gains that losses with them.

RETURN TO CHARACTER COMPATIBILITY

To reach Compromise as a Skill of Commitment, we have to have first had mutual Curiosity to even care to learn and integrate goals with another person. And after that, we have to have some reasonable Communication Skills to be able to get across our goals, take in the goals of the partner, and reach some joint goals between us. Then we can move on to Compromise, a kind of synthesis of goals to whatever degree we can do.  After Compromise, only then are we ready to truly Collaborate.

When we look to discover what it is we can live without so that there may be harmony and teamwork in our relationship, we have to pay attention enough to valuate what our proposition is for moving toward the joint goals of true teamwork and partnership of intellectual attraction. Without Observing Ego, we may be giving up some part of ourselves in service of the team, which we really couldn’t afford to give up, causing team failure. We might also be demanding of our partner of what they cannot give, and what we shouldn’t even bother to ask.

Think of these four skills, in order, as going from "interest" in one's partner (and self), to "connection" with them, to "synthesis" of identity and goals, then finally, "unity" with each other in a new, action-oriented form.

Likewise, the four "commonalities" or traits that we may have in common, think of as, "how-to" (for intelligence), which comes before "balance of interests and resources" or "pooling of resources" (which comes with maturity), followed by "why do this thing" (that comes from an examination of one's personal and shared beliefs, otherwise, why do the thing?), and then "execution" (which is the nuts and bolts of going for the specific goal, in how we perform.)

The virtue of x is intelligence + compromise. The virtue of Justice is Maturity + Compromise. The virtue of Heroism is Beliefs + Compromise   And the virtue of Service is shared Life’s Goals + Comprimise.

Because of what we learn about intellectual attraction, in that it demands that we be fit partners to strive for joint goals as a couple, we must also not forget that the two individuals need to achieve their personal goals too, the "life's mission" or "life's purpose" that they individually seek. Because we aren't identical twins in beliefs, values or goals, we probably will have to strike some compromises on our personal goals for the sake of the joint goals of the couple, but this does not mean that we abandon or must sacrifice entirely and in total, ALL OF OUR DREAMS. This is foolish, and contrary to why people might even want to enter a relationship in the first place.

Compromise might be deferring or delaying part, but not all of one's personal ambitions, dreams or goals, or it might be striving for a more moderate level at them, channeling resources more to the joint goals or the children, than to one's personal needs, or working on them slower in tandem, or taking turns at various points of life. This is another one of those, "you're not with the program" conversations, possibly. Or it gives rise to the saying, "I put my dreams on hold for you" statements.

The truth is that nobody's dreams should ever be permanently put on hold, but compromised on and deferred in parts, or ideally, synthesized in a new collaboration and strategy, where everything gets done in concert.

The less developed you are at compromise skills, the harder the relationship will be, and the more you will be sacrificing, or causing sacrifice in the other partner. Meanwhile, if you had a majority of the commonalities of commitment in place - the beliefs and values, goals, maturity and intelligence in similarity between you, the easier it is to compromise instead of sacrifice.

BACK TO SKILLS OF COMMITMENT

This type of self-esteem we call, "Confidence," is an action-taking, protective, defensive positive emotion, and an energy of action, akin to being "paternal" or fatherly toward one's self and others. It is the antidote to the other of the two types of stress, called, "loss." In terms of the laws of thermodynamics, it is a "kinetic energy," an energy of action. Confidence is then the ability to take action to withstand risk, change or loss, and is equal in exact amount to the amount of threat or loss that one can tolerate without falling into the negative emotions of anxiety and fear in response.

One's overall self-esteem in Romantic Dynamics and the second phase of human courtship - friendship, or the emotional attraction of love - depends on equal amounts of these two types of self-esteem: well-being and confidence.

To have a complete and well-rounded self-esteem, one needs both well-being and confidence in order to be fully happy, and capable of lasting friendship and love with others.

Warriors (Choleric personalities), as well as Magicians (Sanguine personalities), are dominant in this self-esteem type, and they are good at defending, physically protecting and lending works of action to others as an effective emotional resource of friendship and love, solving problems through targetted, specific actions (Warriors), or through large-scale, visionary strategies taken to action (Magicians, whose actions can seem like "magic.") Those who lack this self-esteem type are the King or Queen and Lover personalities, also called the Phlegmatic and Melancholic types in Galen's system of personality. In friendship and love, Kings, Queens and Lovers make good emotional matches for Warriors and Magicians.

The opposite of confidence's positive emotional energy is the negative emotional energy in the type of stress called, "Loss." Loss feels like an outside threat has come in to take resources from you, stealing, cheating or threatening to take your happiness, and can take any form from threatening words, financial dealings of a destructive nature, or even such threats as infidelity taking away the happiness of your former comfort with being a part of a couple or of a family. Since self-esteem and its subtype, confidence, are forms of emotional or chemical energy, the laws of thermodynamics rule over their dynamics, and so the exact amount of loss that stresses or threatens a person, and gets in through one's personal boundary, is the same as the amount of confidence that will be depleted by that threatened loss.

As a result, one may find themselves needing to recover from and rejuvenate from threats and losses, by transforming them into the positive, by a decision to use the courage that is described in the Anxiety Map. Warriors and Magicians may have a natural gift for doing this transformation if they are mature people, but if one feels anxious, fearful, impulsive or even tempted by addictions to hide from their anxiety and stresses of loss, the depletion of the energy of confidence needs to be recovered from. The personal boundary is the first line of defense against this, but even it can weaken.

Mastering these tasks, and of the Anxiety Map (viewed as a rescue map for getting away from threats in life), is one of the major steps of both friendship, love and emotional attraction, as well as forming part of step five of human courtship in general, "Finding Stress in Each Other."

Conscience is something that guides our decisions in terms of what the likely effect will be on others in those decisions. Will it be destructive (win/lose) or constructive (win/win) toward others. After we make a decision, either constructive or destructive, we get to learn whether the result was conscientious, or ethical, by way of feedback from others. And so our "tank" of conscience or ethics fills a bit. In other words, people teach us lessons about whether we are ethical enough toward them, to want to work well together.

Conscience, then tells us whether we are doing right by people, being mature of character, virtuous and constructive, or else being unethical, with vice, and destructive.

Conscience as a virtue, carries two vices in the form of naivete (overabundance of conscience) and criminality (lack of conscience.)

Intuition tells us whether a particular environment or kind of environment is being kind, generous, beneficial, and constructive back at us, or whether it is a destructive environment or one in which normally good decisions still lead to destructive treatment back at ourselves.

That which is destructive also correlates with immaturity, regression, criminality and even evil in our sense of the word, and is part of what is pathological narcissism. Destructiveness is what is within both the upper right branch and the down arrow of both the Anger Map and the Anxiety Map.

That which is constructive correlates with virtue, character maturity, goodness, partnership, success, and is seen in the upper left branches of both the Anger Map and Anxiety Map in the mature emotional decisions called Assertiveness and Courage, respectively.

The conscious mind has been a core interest of philosophers throughout history. It has been referred to in many ways, from Aristotle to Freud. In Romantic Dynamics, we seek to get more precise and circumscribed about what it means exactly and how we can make the definition practical to ourselves.

And so for our purposes, we will view the conscious mind as those mental processes that operate within our conscious awareness, and in our control. One easy way of seeing this is that Observing Ego is the necessary skill to do so - a feature of the Higher Brain which comes with character maturity, and prevents regret by way of seeing "our internal processes" as well as our "social surroundings," to make a match between the two which goes well for our goals and status among others.

The conscious mind would then include such functions as the ability to use language, to strategize, to communicate, to work in partnership and collaboration, to have solid, mature boundaries with others, to be aware of our own emotions and what to do with them (Emotional Intelligence), and to do all the "executive functions" such as calculation, problem solving and decision-making.

Some philosophers see the conscious mind as composing what is called "a person," in which one has cognitive (intellectual, left-brained and right-brained thought, emotional, and volitional (decision-making) capacity), with a sense of rights and privacy (the personal boundary).

Making the unconscious, conscious is one of the goals of psychoanalysis - to become aware of our own instincts and habits, but to put them to good constructive use in mature character. It is also a general personal growth goal for many people to become aware of their hidden, unconscious belief systems and memories.

The functional set of processes that Romantic Dynamics seeks to assign to the general notion of the conscious is what we call, "The Higher Brain."  The inner "software" of the mind which deals with problem solving, partnership, commitment, and all the human virtues of maturity and high character. It is the area of concern for the modern Positive Psychologists and those who like the brand name, Emotional Intelligence.

In Romantic Dynamics, we conceive of two kinds of "boundaries" within the mind, seeing the mind as a "3D" structure which has an exterior, personal boundary, forming an interface with the outside world. And an interior "boundary" that we call the "Ego Boundary," which demarcates what is conscious from what is unconscious to us, on the inside, and isn't necessarily expressed to the outside world or social environment (unless we do what is called "acting out," an ego defense in which a person's unconscious instincts and drives directly expresses into the environment and social scene.)

The prime way to start becoming aware of your own unconscious processes to make them conscious is to employ that most important skill of personal growth, called Observing Ego, which allows you to "see" what's going on inside yourself, what's going on outside yourself, to make a match between the two which is effective at getting to your goals, and general awareness of your own mental processes, both conscious and unconscious. It gives you the ability to say and do the "right thing in the right way at the right time." Observing Ego then has a role in helping you make the unconscious, more conscious.

We view what Freud called the "Unconscious" as the "Reptilian Brain" and the Conscious as the "Higher Brain." The "subconscious" is akin to the emotional knowledge of the "Mammalian Brain," which acts as a set of signals telling us that we need to think deeper and further on an issue, until it becomes fully conscious.

That which is constructive has all kinds of connotations in psychology. For our purposes in Romantic Dynamics, it pertains to the intent and outcome of our decision-making, and can be used as a unit marker of the level of maturity (and likely success at getting to goals) in our decisions.

For purposes of accuracy and the spirit of science, we borrow from Game Theory of Economics, and specifically, what is called, "The Nash Equilibrium." This states that decisions in a system are either constructive ("Win/Win") or destructive ("Win/Lose") in nature, with the former leading to failure both for the decision-maker and the social environment, and the latter leading to benefits in both parties.

As the theory goes, using a model called, "The Prisoner's Dilemma," when one makes destructive choices vis a vis a competitor or collaborator, this can give them a temporary advantage toward success, but will eventually lead to a downfall of their endeavors at some point. If one is destructive to the self from the get-go, there is of course immediate failure. However, if one makes decisions that are beneficial to both the social environment and to the individual making the decision ("Win/Win"), then it may be a longer period to get to success, but success will come and will last for the person. They get to their goals, often aided by the environment because what they are doing benefits the environment. This is also in correlation with the virtues of mature character, and lends itself to successful partnerships toward goals - the objective and function of the third and final phase of courtship, which is the commitment of intellectual attraction.

Several operative principles go into our decision-making, including the idea of what is going on inside us versus the social environment surrounding us, and the role of the two resources that inform our every decision: conscience and intuition.

Conscience is something that guides our decisions in terms of what the likely effect will be on others in those decisions. Will it be destructive (win/lose) or constructive (win/win) toward others. After we make a decision, either constructive or destructive, we get to learn whether the effect was conscientious, or ethical, by way of feedback from others. And so our "tank" of conscience or ethics fills a bit.

Intuition is something that guides our decisions in terms of what the likely effect of choosing a particular environment to operate within will have on US. And whether the specific decisions in that environment are likely to have the social surrounds treat us back kindly or beneficially for us to reach our goals. It is a kind of "shrewdness"" about knowing people and environments that we start out in life, empty of, but over time and numerous decisions later, we learn to fill our tank of intuition up on. Think, the film, Slumdog Millionaire, for a great example of how to fill up on and use this resource.

Conscience, then tells us whether we are doing right by people, being mature of character, virtuous and constructive, or else being unethical, with vice, and destructive.

Intuition tells us whether a particular environment or kind of environment is being kind, generous, beneficial, and constructive back at us, or whether it is a destructive environment or one in which normally good decisions still lead to destructive treatment back at ourselves.

That which is destructive also correlates with immaturity, regression, criminality and even evil in our sense of the word, and is part of what is pathological narcissism. Destructiveness is what is within both the upper right branch and the down arrow of both the Anger Map and the Anxiety Map.

That which is constructive correlates with virtue, character maturity, goodness, partnership, success, and is seen in the upper left branches of both the Anger Map and Anxiety Map in the mature emotional decisions called Assertiveness and Courage, respectively.

The expression of an intrapsychic conflict as something physical. In the world of medicine, this pathologic effect has been seen in the form of blindness, deafness, or some other catastrophic physical manifestation of someone’s inner conflict or anxiety. You may know it in a more mundane way as “being too sick to go to school,” or in having had someone genuinely fall ill with a cold or flu at just the wrong time. For example, right before your wedding.

While it would be outright lying for someone to say that they are too sick to go out with you tonight, it is a similar kind of thinking to attribute to the physical, that which is problematic about the psychological. Be on guard when you hear the phrase, “I’m too sick to...” When someone “flakes” repetitively on promises made to you and then attributes them to a physical reason, there is a hint of this defense going on.

Say that in our typical diagram of a defense mechanism that the reptilian brain, unconscious, or id, depending on what you want to call it, is overloaded with impulsiveness, and is threatening to unleash that passion and drama into the conscious psyche (or even to explode out into the social environment outside the personal boundary.) If there are not other, more mature ego defenses operating (the Ego Boundary and possibly the Personal Boundary are too weak), then one remaining avenue for the passionate energy to be redirected away from creating chaos in the conscious psyche (or social environment outside), is into the body itself, which the reptilian brain, or instincts directly connect to and in some cases, operate.  This is theoretically one way that a person may develop physical, psychosomatic symptoms without being consciously aware of their origin.

BACK TO PRIMITIVE EGO DEFENSES

When we use courage, we are literally transforming the negative emotional energy of anxiety into positive energy, called, "confidence."  This form of self-esteem is defined as a feeling of safety in going about navigating risk, change, grief or loss. It is a feeling of fathering, or being fathered. And so courage is how mature adults, "father themselves."

It is a constructive, "win/win" decision to make with one's anxiety, and takes mature character virtues of patience, anticipation (future planning), and other mature ego defenses such as, perhaps, humor or others, to execute on. One might say that it is the "higher-brained" use of anxiety.

When one does courageous actions, they are benefitting everyone, including themselves and their partner, as well as the environment and community, and the positive feedback they get from the environment teaches them something to bolster their mature decision-making, which is the amplification of the conscience and intuition stores that help us identify when we are doing right by others (ethics, conscience) and when we have chosen a beneficial environment in which to operate (shrewdness, intuition.)

This mode of anxiety expression is then one of the two principles behind the saying, "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger." The stress, called, "loss" that comes into our lives, which is justifiable and true, and  the negative response of others may be "alchemically" transformed into the self-esteem, called, "courage" in this way, making us actually happier and more powerful for the experience, through courage.

Courage should be applied on tasks which are fearsome and cause anxiety. However, for the rare life situations where there is very real danger, courage should not be applied. One out to run away from the threat.

This decision to act maturely then, may also dispel our impulsiveness, avoidance or addiction, defuses our anxiety and that of others, and benefits our romance in the area of love, friendship and emotional attraction.

Courage as an ego defense shows us something more than just a mature level of development. As you have seen in the Rescue Map of Anxiety we learned about in the emotional attraction of the mammalian brain, it is an instrumental skill for transforming one of the two most prevalent negative emotions - anxiety - into a positive, and is really the only route to self-generating that part of self-esteem we call confidence.

For our purposes we have defined it as “doing the right thing, no matter how you feel.” Others have described it as a willingness to directly confront conflicts, fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, despair, obstacles, or the narcissism of others. If confidence is the emotional ability to withstand risk, change and loss, then courage is the precursor to acquiring that most valuable of emotional resources.

Courage highlights and integrates several things for us that we have learned.

For one, it is a decision, and if we have learned that a decision is the smallest unit of a habit, then courage makes sense being called, “a defense mechanism.” Defense mechanisms are social, psychological habits.

Secondly, courage can be just a decision, or as is often the case, it can also be an action. This means that either way, we can know courage when we see it. As a mature ego defense, it is a virtue. Virtues are always constructive, meaning that they produce benefits and win/win interactions for everyone who comes in contact with it.

When one person makes a courageous decision or takes a courageous, heroic action, we can know for sure that they are constructive as a partner.  The forces which come to bear to highlight courage, also show us the nature of courage as a combination of all the things which make us mature as basic elements: good boundaries, constructive, win/win decisions, which is to say, high ethics. We already know that ethics is built into courage by way of its definition: “do the right thing no matter how you feel.”

Courage is an amazing thing as such a valuable emotional resource, because one can employ it without prior experience, or without the backing of others. In fact, we are most alone in the world when we most effectively use it.  It is also something that we don’t need in already-present supply when we use it, because it is, in essence, not really an emotion. It is a kind of decision, a constructive, mature one, which is also why it is considered a mature ego defense. It is a patient, constructive decision no matter what emotions are being felt, even terror, simply because decisions characterized by it tend to lead to heroic actions, and ones which we do not need bravery or boldness to execute on, just a knowledge of what is right and wrong, destructive and constructive - then to choose to do right.

Through the Rescue Map of Anxiety, we already know how to use this defense, and what its rewards are - the very valuable confidence. Which means that through that map and through our understanding of the emotions, we have actually learned how to literally build a relationship virtue in a step-by-step way. We don’t have to “fake it til we make it” anymore. We can study the ways on that Anxiety Map, how avoidance and impulsivity, victim-thinking and masochism, and the passiveness and destructiveness of those will lead to no good ends, where the constructiveness and win/win strategy of courage always manages to generate us confidence, that crucial ingredient to value, happiness, friendship, self-esteem and love itself.

Consider the absence of courage in a partner. This would automatically mean that we have an unconfident person on our hands who is on our team, pursuing goals. This will not bode well in terms of any stress we may encounter on the way to our joint goals, and we would likely find ourselves struggling to carry the burden for two.

GO BACK TO MATURE DEFENSE MECHANISMS.

Unlike Abdication or Negligence, which are vices about disrespect of the resources of your partner, cowardly behavior is a character "vice of deficit" that sees one as depriving the partner of teamwork through disrespect of the self. A cowardly person certainly lets down their partner, but before that can occur, they make themselves look weak and ridiculous.

In being unjust as a partner at contributing to achieving a goal, the cowardly partner is letting their own fears produce the psychological impoverishment of the other partner. It is unfair and unjust, derelict enough to declare a direct contradiction to legitimately having joint goals.

People are often being cowardly, even while being encouraged, or being given confidence by their partner. It is as if all the confident effort by the heroic, courageous partner is going down the drain, and it is - through the holes in the boundary of the cowardly partner.

The cowardly use the most Immature Ego Defense, called, "Denial" - which is like "burying your head in the sand" and refusing responsibility or understanding of one's own actions, always blaming someone else or something else for our moral shortfalls. (The Ego Defenses y guide us in finding friends and mates who happen to have similar maturity levels.)

It is, perhaps, surprisingly pathologically narcissistic to be cowardly, because we usually us its opposite, given that it produces destructiveness, a "win/lose" behavior - causing "cheating," all the while pretending (even to one's self) as if they are actually participating in the relationship as a real partner.

The other vice of Service as a virtue is called, "Martyrdom," where a person "plays the victim," boldly and ignorantly attempting to define and constantly redefine what is just (and employing the Defense Mechanism of Denial as their strategy for constantly revising what is "fair" between them.

Someone who is romantically cowardly is a thief, directly countering the goals and dreams of a mate, by robbing them of resources in a deal which cannot possibly be fair.

As a vice which makes partnership within relationships fail to get to goals, and intellectually unattractive, consider cowardly behavior to be negative in many ways, including in sexual attraction, since it actually depletes the reserves of one's own, or the other partner's masculinity or femininity.

RETURN TO CHARACTER COMPATIBILITY