Step 5 showed us how to become ever more mature, valuable friends who share love, not just desire, and it helps us actually pass the natural emotional tests of a couple, pertaining to the pure negative emotions of anger/sadness and anxiety, which diminish love and friendship.
For Step 6, "Finding Completion in Each Other," we learn how to discover something that can never be learned or practiced since it is simply what we are born with - the temperament, or raw materials from which a mature personality is eventually built. It is something that has compatibility with another person, or a lack thereof, and is the little thing you notice about other people that irks you, annoys you, or turns you off, even when they are a nice, or mature person.
The personality is so important in compatibility that you may wonder if it should be assessed early on in dating. This is true, but we shouldn't deny ourselves the experience of learning about ourselves through a diversity of others. Also, refusing to date certain people with certain personalities denies us the chance to learn ALL the personality styles, of which there are four, and to know what we like from what we don't like. We need s reference point in dating, in terms of "what our type it."
We are still early enough in a relationship that we have not overinvested if we have chosen wrong. It is well worth the lessons. However, if we do discover that we have met a highly compatible person in terms of personality and friendship within the romance, we will have determined that we are with a person who very well could qualify to go on to the committed partnership of Intellectual Attraction, Phase Three of courtship and our final phase. Before we get to Step 7 and the beginnings of a lasting, long term relationship, we need to look at our temperament of personality on the Social Personality System, reaching the pinnacle of friendship and love, that some have called, "Best Friends" or even "Soulmates."
We will learn that there are only two compatible matches from among the four temperaments, called "Phlegmatic" Kings or Queens, "Choleric" Warriors, "Sanguine" Magicians, and "Melancholic" Lovers.
The best matches with the easiest friendships are Kings or Queens paired with Magicians, and Warriors paired wit Lovers. You can even take the Social Personality Quiz to assess what your temperament is, and that of your partner's.
- Having a practiced capacity to be happy when alone, and to be capable of sharing happiness.
You can also learn much more about this step in the whole series of deep lessons on it, at the main site articles of "Finding Completion in Each Other."
For this task, we need to learn the four personality temperments of the Social Personality System, where opposite personalities make for "best friend" or "soulmate" partnerships. This leads to a natural giftedness at mastering the challenges of stress on one's happiness and shared love, and practically guarantees the compatibility emotionally, where almost effortlessly, two people have a natural tendency to always be building each other's self-esteem, or happiness. It also has overlap into giftedness at certain Character Virtues that make two people compatible in character in the next phase of courtship - Intellectual Attraction - where a focus on joint success at goals is paramount.
- KINGS/QUEENS - The "Phlegmatic" King or Queen temperament is one in which the person is intellectually "left-brained" or analytical with ideas, and emotionally maternal, kind, gentle and full of well-being.
- WARRIORS - The "Choleric" Warrior temperament is also one in which the person is intellectually "left-brained" or analytical, and emotionally paternal, directive, decisive, encouraging, and will of confidence.
- MAGICIANS - The "Sanguine" Magician temperament is one in which the person is intellectually "right-brained" or creative with ideas, but not afraid to put them into action with the emotionally "paternal" confidence to know that they can withstand, risk, change or loss.
- LOVERS - The "Melancholic" Lover temperament is also intellectually "right-brained" or creative with ideas, while being kind, soft and emotionally maternal, or nurturing of themselves and others.
The idea of compatibility, or matching of people by personality pairs Kings or Queens with Magicians, and Warriors with Lovers, becase these two combinations assure us that as a couple and a team, they give each other the "completion" of balanced psychological skills, by way of the skills and traits that the other has, and which we lack. As a result, these pairings make a highly effective team, together, and one in which there is no automatic competition or sense that one could be happier and more effective alone.
When we find personality compatibility, we find a great deal of power and stamina not only against stress, but a sense in us, that we can actually be effortless - that just by showing up to the romance, we bring our best traits that we carry in unlimited supply, and don't feel competitive or "taken for a ride" by the other person. We don't need to be on guard for them to outshine us or to stray, romantically.
THE EVENTS OF STEP SIX OF COURTSHIP:
Certain things that MUST occur for this sixth step to go well, include:
- The ability to recognize our own Social Personality - K, W, M or L.
- The ability to recognize the Social Personality in the toher person - K, W, M, or L.
- Knowledge of whether we are opposite, adjoining each other on the diagram, or whether we are too much alike in personality. From there, we may decide to stay together, to do the extra effort to keep the friendship, or love, intact, or we may decide to move on to others, considering this go 'round to be a lesson learned but not continued.
- Even when we find that we are a King or Queen matched with a Magician, or a Lover matched with a Warrior, these are not yet full profiles of an entirely mature person needed to qualify for a committed relationships. We can learn about pathological narcissism and how to defeat it in ourselves and others, to be the most mature K, W, M or L that we can be.
- If we aren't a perfect match, then it will fall on us to work on our maturity within our Social Personality, and then to decide how much "extra work" it will be to be with a person who isn't our exact complementary opposite. Then to stay together, or not.
- If a good fit, we turn our attention to the transition to Intellectual Attraction and partnership.
This technology need not only be exclusive to romance, but to any kind of collaborative effort between two people, even if the environment is a difficult one.
TIPS FOR SPOTTING PERSONALITY COMPATIBILITY:
Since the goal of the Emotional Attraction Phase is the ability to be happier and to raise the happiness of others, consider what it would be like to not have to do much work in a love relationship, where everything comes easily, and it almost seems that we can read each other's minds.
A quick way to determine another person's personality in a "ballpark figure" way (if you can't access the Social Personality System and its "opposites attract" model, is to know that the four personalities have four things that most gratify them and have them being themselves:
- KINGS and QUEENS tend to most enjoy and feel fulfilled when they can offer wisdom and advice to others. Ask your date for their opinion on things. If they light up, they may be a KING or QUEEN.
- WARRIORS tend to be most gratified by recognition for their practicality and effectiveness at goals. For their "power" in bringing results into each other's lives. Honor them for their power.
- MAGICIANS tend to most love being the center of attention and an audience to applaud them, and when not very pathologically narcissistic, they may still appreciate an audience and their applause, simply because they are masters at entertaining, teaching and inspiring larger groups of people. Give them your applause.
- LOVERS tend to be most satisfied when they can tell stories to other people, which touch them, and enjoy being the teachers of style, beauty, and philosophy to others. Ask them to tell you a story from their lives. If they feel full of excitement and appreciation for this, they may be Lovers.
When we have reached the end of the friendship phase, or the Emotional Attraction Phase of courtship, where love and happiness have maximized our mutual self esteem, we may have been lucky enough to find ourselves with a personality opposite.
We are "best friends" and "soulmates." What else could be a greater preparation for full commitment as partners than being in this level of a profound friendship?
Lesser friendships will just not do, when your life's goals and dreams are on the line, in the Intellectual Attraction Phase of commitment and success at reaching joint goals.
That is next...