Anger arises in us from one of its two sources - either "hurt," or a lack of "one's needs getting met." The first is an exterior cause (outside the personal boundary) - a stress, called, "hurt," in which angry, negative energy is hurled at us, trying to cause us harm. The second is an interior cause (inside the personal boundary) - the lack of that type of self esteem we call, "well-being" that occurs when we don't manage to get enough resources to meet our needs.
If hurt breaks into the personal boundary, it makes us angry to an equal measure (as the energy within the hurtful stress.) It also causes us an equal depletion of a certain amount of the positive energy of self-esteem, called, "well-being." These principles are illustrated in detail of the Anger Map.
Now we are angry, and we have three options for how to employ it or transform it (since the laws of thermodynamics say that energy can neither be created, nor destroyed, only transformed.) These parallel the "three brains" of the Triune Brain Model.
- The "reptilian" option for anger is to impulsively shoot it back out to others in the destructive, "win/lose" form, called, "aggression." This hurts others. It also is impulsive and may carry anxiety in it, crossing us over to the "reptilian-brained" area of the Anxiety Map.
- The "mammalian" option for anger is to simply let it fester in our emotions, growing and transforming into sadness or depression by way of the passive nature of so doing. This hurts ourselves. This may even be "masochistic" in nature, with a "poor me" attitude that guilts others into giving us resources, again, a branch point over to the Anxiety Map.
- The "higher-brained" option for anger is to employ patient, mature character that is constructive and "win/win" in nature, through assertiveness which uses the anger to go get our needs met without hurting others.
Learning to work with anger constructively is one of the two major tasks of phase two - emotional attraction - in step five of human courtship - "Finding Stress in Each Other," and sets us up for step six, and the best-friendship of "Finding Completion in Each Other" - before we move on to actual committed partnership in intellectual attraction.
