Where Step 1 of Courtship was about getting each other's attention, Step 2 is about having decided that a particular individual is of interest, preferred above other candidates, to want to get to know them more.
In Step 2 of Courtship, it is time for the man and woman to "let each other know that they are liked and preferred." This is not to be done verbally, at least outright, because it would dispel the mystery and passion that they just created in Step 1. But since we are still in the area of the mind that governs the body - the "reptilian brain" - it falls on the two individuals to notice the body language and the indirect alluding in conversation that shows how much they are starting to like each other.
Both of these - the body language and "reading between the lines" of conversation - get manifest primarily in the form of acting "maternal" and "paternal" to each other. This is the step of courtship where in times past, a man and woman might call each other, "Baby," and the reason for this precise term might now make sense. It is a chance to "show one's wares," should the relationship progress, to see how one might occasionally lean on the other person for fatherly and motherly support and kindness, for comfort and protection, the very act of which shows the other person vividly that they are indeed preferred over other males or females.
Who doesn't treat their own child with the lavish praise, acceptance and preference over other children who are not their own? This step not only previews, "How I will be treated in the relationship," but also, "How my children (and property, finances, welfare) will be treated," by the prospective partner. It is a preview of there being more than just passion or desire for each other, but love, itself, too, the ultimate love being from a parent to a child.
Not that we are children. It's just that occasionally in a relationship, we will need to lean here and there on each other, especially as equal partners someday. That's what partners can be expected to do.
This idea is not just about a preview of love, however, it is still about desire - after all, we are still in the first Phase of Courtship, called Sexual Attraction. But there is a different kind of desire at play here, and something primitive - the desire to be wanted, to be protected, a feeding of the "Survival Instincts" that all human being have, which are a form of desire too. The desire to live, and live well, to be treated well, to have one's vitality supported. And so this step is also a preview of how much care and feeding" we can expect to get from our partner - a function that as children, ourselves, our actual parents gave us, but in adult life, we will still occasionally need from a partner.
When women fantasize about "finding a hero" in a man, or men fantasize about "having a muse" to inspire them, these "demigod"-like functions are not actual magic or miracles in the potential partner. But our fantasies at this early phase feed our interest and desires for the other. It is the time that has been called, "limerance," or the act of "falling in love" that we are talking about, where fantasy blends with the actuality of the other person to make them far more appealing than any other mate could be.
It is in this step of courtship, where we might notice the first glimmer of similarity to our own opposite-sex parent, whose virtues and vices gave us a very unique template by which to compare every potential mate we meet. It won't be refined at this stage - the knowledge of just how similar they really are to our beloved mother or father. But being around them will "just feel right."
While many psychologists speak of the effect of our opposite-sex parent on our mate choices, with the word, "attachment," as being a "familiarity," our aim is to show you just what that term, "familiar," really means in romance. At this early part of dating, Step 2, it will be vague, but emotionally and spiritually will feel like "being home" or "at home" with our new date. Specifically, we will at least know that we are "preferred" over other men or women, and that we vaguely feel "well-taken-care-of" by the other person - in a way that if we are truthful, will feel a bit "fatherly" or "motherly" in a pleasant, satisfying way.
Of importance, every relationship, especially in terms of sexuality, must start at some point with physical touch, physical intimacy, yet there has always been confusion about just when, where and how that occurs. This is the step of courtship where that first physical contact feels right to both people, and it is not invasive, hostile or sneaky in any way. If it is right, then it is both "courteous touch," such as a handshake of greeting, or a hug of togetherness, or a "high five" of celebration. But whatever it is in the context you examine it, should feel like the warmth, protection, respect, and admiration with which a mother cradles her son, or a father holds his young daughter's hand. Tender, and loving.
When we turn to the ancient Greek stories for instruction on this, we ought to immediately think of the maternal and paternal godheads of Mt Olympus, Hera and Zeus, the married mother and father of all the other gods.
Hera, the goddess of leadership and owner of all the property of the world, with rule over it, is married to Zeus, the chief male god of Mt Olympus. Together, they as the ultimate matriarch and patriarch of the ancient Greeks, represent the two gender instincts involved in Step 2 of Courtship, "Ladies and Gentlemen," which is about treating each other with the preferential kindness that might be called, "maternal," for the feminine instinct called, the "Hera Instinct," and the other, called, "paternal," for the masculine instinct called, the "Zeus Instinct."
THE EVENTS OF STEP TWO OF COURTSHIP:
Certain things that MUST occur for this second step to go well, include:
- The woman showing or implying to the man that he is preferred over other men. This may be in the form of telling him he is "better than" other men in some way, or compliments that suggest he is "impressive." Using the phrase, "I believe in you (or what you can do)" is especially impactful for securing this whole step, because of its maternal nature.
- The man showing or implying to the woman that she is preferred over other women. This may be in the form of telling her that she is "wonderful" at something, or a compliment about her character or her skills socially or occupationally. It is especially impactful when he uses a phrase such as, "Everything is going to be alright," which also has a paternal nature to it.
- Both people will have an air of the maternal (for the woman) or paternal (for the man) in terms of their behavior, actions toward the other, language, both verbal and in body.
- This also gives clues as to "how I will be treated" in the relationship and "how my children will be treated" in the relationship.
- STEP TWO IS WHERE INTIMATE TOUCH FIRST OCCURS. This is both to be expected, and expected. In other words, if it doesn't occur in this step, one or both parties realizes that something is wrong with the courtship, that it is not progressing.
- The woman might show or imply some of the things that promote the growth of the man's masculinity - his status among other men, his accrual of material success or wealth, his leadership, respect for his privacy or possessions, and above all, respect for his work and career, in terms of his "mission in life," or his life's goals.
- The man might show or imply some of the things that promote the growth of the woman's femininity - her connectedness to her friends, her creative gifts, the order that she likes things in, what her tastes and preferences are, especially in terms of utilities of life (things that assist her or help her care for her life), and above all, support of what her "purpose in life" is, her "life's goals.")
You can learn much more about this step in the whole series of deep lessons on it, at the main site articles of "Ladies and Gentlemen."
This is then, the Step of Courtship where both of the potential partners maintain the mysterious allure and passion of that initiatl spark of Step 1, but also clue each other in to how preferred they are by each other. This additional, loving, tender aspect added to the passion they are starting to feel, constitutes the "limerance" that many psychologists discuss - the act of "falling in love," which contains the "magic" and fantasy of idealizing the other partner, feelings of desire, yearning, and tender, caring feelings all in one.
Like all three of these steps of Sexual Attraction, which work together to secure the exclusive desire for the other person, the core principle is that of amplification of the masculinity for the man and femininity for the woman. In addition, as we go through these first three steps, we find the couple developing a sense of more and more "exclusivity" in the partner as a source of this amplification. In other words, no other man will do quite as much for her sense of passion and vitality, and no other woman will do, in terms of how excited to be alive her feels, specifically near her.
These aspects of the gender instincts need not be confused with the variety of temporary, "fashionable" ways that society views "what masculinity SHOULD be" or "what femininity SHOULD be." We are not talking about temporary "roles" in society or the family that men and women take in any given decade, but rather how it is that a man or a woman find specific actions, behaviors, preferences, beliefs and goals about themselves and the world to be invigorating, energizing, "full of life" and vitality, as well as excitement. It is that which makes them feel "more alive," full of "life force," to use the term coined by Freud, "libido." Which has of course been applied to one's sexual appetite, but means far more than that. Libido is the energy of feeling alive and thriving.
There will be many times in courtship where a woman socializes in a way which builds this libido sense of herself, where she gets attention, but not by a specific man. And many times where men do the same, feeling more alive and charismatic through throwing one's self into the social arena. These are people who are interested only in doing Step 1 at the time, and may be considered, simply, "flirtatious." These actions need not be taken as an insult to anyone with specific dating interest, but rather, something to be aware of that people do. Yet, in Step 2, we find the first clues in the behavior of the other, that we are specifically preferred, and that the person may be open to more than just having fun in a social setting. It will then, take Step 3, to give us proof positive that yes, we have a potential exclusivity with each other in the near future, and may enjoy going on some dates together.
What will be key in this process, is the spotting of pathological narcissism, which is selfish. If only one person experiences an amplification of their masculinity or femininity to the detriment of the other person, then they are out for a good time, and their own self-betterment, not up for the process of courtship. Courtship is a balanced, two-way street, where the goal is the exclusive, mutual amplification of the partners' masculinity and femininity.
TIP FOR WOMEN:
Since the goal of the Sexual Attraction Phase is a mutual increase in masculinity and femininity, and since Step 2 is about letting the other person know that they are liked and preferred, for consideration for eventual exclusivity, there is a universal and useful way to make this preference known without being entirely obvious.
It is rare for a man today to hear a certain kind of feedback from a woman (other than his mother, and even then, he may not often hear it.) Which is the phrase, "I believe in you," or something similar.
Since the identity level sense of self that a man feels, rests in his career efforts in the same way that a woman draws self from care of the physical self and the body, you might consider a man's career strivings to be one and the same as his "body" or "self." It's the origin of the phrase, "body of work."
So, to express this phrase, "I believe in you," the ultimate maternal statement of admiration, love and preference for a son, a non-obvious way of bringing it into conversation would be by way of making a comment about his specific career aspects.
For example, if he is professionally an environmental scientist, a woman might say, "I really believe in preserving the world's water supply, and so I really admire and appreciate you working to save that."
Or it may be more specific to the current social context. If he works in law enforcement, she might say, "That's wonderful. I feel so protected right now."
Such statements don't need to be overly serious or literal, although there may be moments of intimacy where being serious in their delivery is very profound and impactful for the man, and captures his keen interest in ongoing exclusive dating (he is rarely complimented this way at the core-self level.) It is a stimulation of such masculine instincts as the Zeus Instinct, the Poseidon Instinct, the Hades Instinct and the Odysseus Instinct in men. Interestingly, in the stories of the Greeks, these gods are all brothers or closely related, which fits them all being relevant to this specific, Step 2 of courtship.
However, some humor in the delivery of such statements will make them more socially acceptable, especially in mixed company, with other friends around, and will soften the delivery of the clear message, "I approve of and prefer you over other men."
It's like magic.
TIP FOR MEN:
The most important advice to a man on being successful at responding to this second step of courtship is to remember that the goal is to be an exclusive source of amplified femininity. This means possessing some knowledge of the feminine instincts in terms of how they universally make a woman feel more alive. Such instincts as the Hera Instinct, the Hestia Instinct, and the Ariadne Instinct all have similarity in terms of the feelings of vitality that a woman feels when she is in harmony and co-leadership with a man. The first is the ultimate maternal instinct for creating and being administrator of resources. The second, the Hestia Instinct is the ultimate feminine instinct for planning and managing life (which the goddess in the literature was in charge of on Mt Olympus, the manager of life and resources there. The third was the Greek figure most involved in teaming with a man to defeat a deadly threat - the Minotaur of King Minos' Maze.)
When you let a woman know that, "Everything is going to be alright," in any social situation where there is an obstacle, a threat, a daunting challenge, or anything that inconveniences her or gets her out of feelings of happiness and vitality, it is telling her directly, "I am partnering with you to assist you, help you, protect you, and safegaurd what you care about." This is one of the most direct, fatherly statements that a man could make to a woman, and has the tender yet strong spirit one might see in a father caring for a young daughter.
It must be delivered with the same, respectful, admiring spirit that a father gives a daughter, without being pandering or patronizing. It is genuine, heart-felt and tender, as a pledge of gentlemanly, "old school" romance, like a medieval knight might feel and do toward the Queen of his desires.
It too, is like magic for promoting the romance, and the strong clue of exclusive devotion to the woman, to see what the future holds for you both.
A man and woman need to offer each other the promise of a story worth reading, that they will be the exclusive source of feeling more alive than one feels, alone as a single, and that they are a potential mate worth learning and discovering more about.