Romance has to start somewhere. There is an encounter between two people, and something causes them to take notice of each other. In times past, people said, "Boy Meets Girl" as a description of the beginning of a romantic novel or film. Perhaps today, it should be called, "Girl Meets Boy." Whatever we call this first scene of the first act of the play of romance, it most certainly is the beginning of a story between two people, who might just have a chance at finding love together.
One of the objectives of Romantic Dynamics is to show you how science informs this story between two people. How story meets science, and science meets story. One thing is for sure, though, the first moments of this particular kind of story do not begin with words, but with a feeling, and the sight of a person, and a spark of passion and charisma that is instantaneously lit between them.
Courtship, or the step by step development of a romantic story between two people, is a dance for two, where there will be something that a woman does, a step she takes, and then something that the man does, his step that keeps them together and in harmony. In Step 1 of Courtship, the words to describe these two steps of the dance, are "beauty" and "mystery." This is Step 1 of human courtship: "Boy Meets Girl," or "Beauty and Mystery." It contains that one, special moment of meeting, the magic moment that will forever change two peoples' lives.
The romantic features of Step 1 of Courtship have to start off the first phase of courtship, which is Sexual Attraction. This is not to say that desire and lust are all there are to romance, just that if there is not a spark of passion to begin things, the relationship - should one develop - may end up being just a Platonic friendship, or a sort of business partnership, not a romance.
THE EVENTS OF STEP ONE OF COURTSHIP:
Certain things that MUST occur for this first step to go well, include:
- The couple must get each other's attention, and the do this showing a specific preference for a particular person of interest to them.
- For the man, this will have something to do with the visual cues sent by the woman, and will center on her physical flirtatiousness and beauty.
- For the woman, this will have something to do with the mysterious nature of the man, and take the form of something that she wants to know more about, regarding him.
- The more masculinity that the man displays and directs toward her, and the more masculine instincts he makes use of, the more attention he will get from women and from the particular woman, the more attractive he will be, and the more capable of being attracted he will be.
- The more femininity that the woman displays and directs toward him, and the more feminine instincts she makes use of, the more attention she will get from men and from the particular man, the more attractive she will be, and the more capable of being attracted she will be.
- In each other's company, they both notice on a feeling level, that they "feel more alive" around the other person, full of vitality, and passion for life.
- They might make the connection that this also is attributable to the other person's presence, and that they feel some passion for that particular person now.
- When they express more vitality and excitement, charisma and energy, they are more attractive, and more masculine or feminine, and notice the same in the other.
- The woman must resist the man's interest in her physicality, and that now is not the time to become physical, only to learn more about each other, in part by asking questions. She may maintain her gaze, continue to smile, and show other physical signs of selective interest in him, nonverbally.
- The man must resist the woman's tendency to label his identity or behavior as being of a particular sort, showing his diversity of honest and real life's experience, stories of the same, and interest in her own life's experience and stories of her life. He is playful, fun and yet respectful and interested in who she is. He is not "evasive," but IS "private," and willing to reveal his details only over time.
- Neither shows the other signs of ongoing preference over other mates yet, until they both find themselves wanting to connect to learn more and more about the other.
- If they continue to notice feeling more energy and vitality in the presence of the other, more than toward other potential dates in the vicinity, they may move on to Step 2 of courtship.
Since we are in the instinct-based part of the mind, the "reptilian brain," we are essentially nonverbal, physical, and relying on the five senses for the first stirrings of romance, in the Sexual Attraction Phase of Courtship. The woman shows up in the vicinity of a man, or men, and certain things that she does, physically, appeal to them. The way she moves, something about her appearance that is not merely based in her adornment with attire or cosmetics, but much more so in the look in her eye, until she centers on just one man who is most interesting to her.
This can be seen in innumerable first meetings of the characters of great films, in Breakfast at Tiffany's, and in the very first moments of the opening scene of the film, Closer. Unforgettable scenes in unforgettable films. How much more are these moments of life given gravity and meaning when we actually get to live them out, in our own imperfect ways. When we do love a film, it is the weakness and imperfection that captures us, such as the folly of Jude Law's character in Closer (2004 film)
These opening moments of the drama must capture our attention, allow us to experience a memorable place, to see it, sense it, and feel a theme to what is to come. What appeals even more to us all, than a "perfect" movie scene of romance is the decidedly uncinematic imperfection with which we meet our potential mate in the real, everyday world. It is even more charming, more alluring to make a mistake as a human being interested in finding love. To be nervous, afraid to strike up a conversation, when it really isn't even about conversation at all, at first. The first meeting of romance is one in which we find ourselves sensing something about another person, rather than describing it in words.
It is the world's best mystery story that we get to actually participate in. All the better that it is our very real lives that form the stage for it.
A film must introduce the most important character, the main character, you, and it must introduce one other character who will most influence, resist, block, support, or in some way, utterly alter the life of that main character, and they both know it. Yet for us to join science with story in order to find practical guidance for the loves of our actual, real lives, we need to turn to some stories that carry the validity of science insofar as there being a universality, a durability over time, and which speaks to the needs of, and solutions for, a wide variety of people in human situations occurring throughout history. To those ends, the stories of the ancient Greeks, and their plays about gods and goddesses will serve us well.
If you were to browse the main site articles of Romantipedia in the "Boy Meets Girl," or "Beauty and Mystery" section, you would find answers as to how to be most successful at this very first step of romance, both in a way informed by literature about the human condition, and in a way that stays true to what we are starting to see come out in the science research of today's investigators into the process of human courtship.
In the story of the most beautiful woman in the world, and the world's most intriguing man, the Temptation of Paris, from the ancient Greeks, we find the young character from the Trojan War, Paris, choosing the "beauty" of Helen as his ultimate prize. She is offered to him in marriage, by one of the most powerful goddesses, Aphrodite, who of course, represents the deep, instinctual feminine nature of women when it comes to this first step of courtship. For our purposes, the goddess of the story, Aphrodite, does not merely represent the feminine nature of a woman's physical beauty, but what it is about the physicality of femininity that is alluring to men, and commences the process of courtship for them in the first place.
How women conduct themselves physically, and in flirtation, causes men to compete with each other for their attention, and we see men respond to this with a mysterious air that satisfies the most primitive, instinctual drives in women to want to know more, to "solve the mystery" expressed by the man. This is exemplified in such folklore as the story of Bluebeard, the fabled French noble, and in tales of the Greek gods, Hermes (the messenger, communicator and trickster), and Eros (the god of love and desire.)
For our purposes, the most important traits or actions for women and men to have or take in Step 1 of courtship, are "beauty" and "mystery."
TIP FOR WOMEN:
Since beauty, whether it is in art, or nature, or the human form, or human behavior, depends on "symmetry," then the most simple, practical advice that could be given a woman about starting out the courtship process in this very first step would be for her to select a man of interest, to make direct and lasting eye contact with him, and to smile. The smile produces a natural symmetry to the face, beautifying anyone who wears a smile, and direct eye-contact grabs the attention of anyone who happens to be caught by it.
TIP FOR MEN:
The most important advice to a man on being successful at responding to this first step of courtship on the part of a woman, would be to allow one's self to be a "mystery" to be solved, not too easily labeled, or "put in a box. This does not mean to make one's self, confusing or incomprehensible, at the risk of seeming "weird" or unfriendly in some way. Instead, it means not being easily categorized into groups of other men, being set apart from them by one's uniqueness and individuality. Above all, it means having a depth that is worth slowly getting to know, to be a man worth "discovering" over time, which promises a much more interesting life, than the one offered by so many generic, "perfect" dating apps that may seem appealing at first, but are so very sterile and "clinical," if they are not just merely entertaining and superficial. A simple, universal answer to her questions about his background and identity would be to answer some aspects of them honestly, but then hold back to allow there more to discover about him over time, saying, "That's me to some degree, but not exactly. I'm a lot of other things, too. Tell me more about you..."
A man and woman need to offer each other the promise of a story worth reading, and a potential mate worth learning and discovering more about.
The science that will bring them together successfully in this first step of romance will have to do with a polarity between the masculinity and femininity of the two people, where gender instincts of the feminine instincts interact with the masculine instincts, seen in the stories of Aphrodite and Ares, Psyche and Eros, Hermes, Hestia, and other stories such as that of Theseus and Ariadne.
This first step begins a fantasy story that will eventually become more everyday and real over time, with the courtship steps to follow, but the goal of the whole phase - Sexual Attraction - will be to discover and start to interact with those people who, for you, spark the most passion and excitement. Feelings that cause you to feel more alive and full of vitality. Feelings that, if you are a man, cause you to feel even more masculine for being near her, and if you are a woman, cause you to feel even more feminine for being near him.
You can learn more about this first process by reading the articles on Step 1: "Boy Meets Girl," or "Beauty and Mystery" or you may learn about the next step of romance, called "Step 2," or "Ladies and Gentlemen."