Codependence is a state of connection between two people which, like the states of intimacy, independence, and interdependence, pertain to the function of personal boundaries between the two people. In the case of codependence there are a larger amount of boundary holes in the personal boundary of both partners than other boundary anatomy - such as boundary walls, or the most mature boundary anatomy of all - boundary doors.

In codependence, the two people, by way of their boundary holes, have a tendency to invade each others' privacy and feel entitled for the other person to maintain each others' resources, without expectation of receiving value back. As a result, they both tend to bully each other and hoard most of the resources of the couple - a "Win/Lose" deal in which one person tends to eventually dominate the relationship and the resources, leaving very little for the other person to subsist on, including the sense of being loved.

For the person of advantage, this arrangement may seem like a "good deal," or even a loving relationship. For the disadvantaged person, it can be a nightmare. But due to their weakness, they may feel that there is nothing they can do about the relationship to get out of it.

Instead of codependence, we need to try for the "Goldilocks Zone" of relationships.

How do people get out of codependence? The obvious first strategy would of course be to begin to patch the boundary holes in one's personal boundary, learning to say, "NO," and hear, "NO," from others. If the partner is not willing to change, then of course there will be drama and resistance to this, and much suffering. It may also cost a great amount of energy to enforce.

The next move one might need to do to preserve energy may be to try periods of more independence in order to create a solid boundary or barrier in the relationship in order to reestablish one's center and preservation of personal resources - a kind of "retaining wall."  This is one level up in maturity from codependence.

The highest level to reach in a relationship will look somewhat similar to codependence in the "togetherness" involved. However, this more mature state of togetherness is called, "intimacy." Which is a state that is not constant or perpetual, but voluntarily entered here and there when conditions are right, and both agree. This state of interdependence, which contains occasional intimacy and at other times, independence to go work on one's interests, depends on the most mature boundary anatomy, called boundary doors.