We finally arrive at the level where the unconscious meets the subconscious, and our defense mechanisms begin to appear evermore on the surface of the conscious mind.
In other words, we are more aware of them.
The reason for this is that we are becoming more mature as lovers, and with that maturity not only comes more solid boundaries which have more doors than holes or walls, but the very mechanisms of our boundary doors. These, I believe to be the ego defenses themselves. What is of special note is that old core skill of personal growth that we have talked about since the beginning of this adventure together - Observing Ego - is what most defines our sense of consciousness and is the root ingredient of curiosity. It means that we are no longer “on autopilot,” which is to say, unconscious, and helpless to change our own behavior. Now we are about to discover that there are tools already on our person, tools which can fix the rusted and broken gears of the ego defenses, the mechanisms of the doors of our boundaries.
The defenses now work a bit better than the utterly broken, rusted-solid gears of the primitive defenses, and the dysfunctional, jammed gears of the immature defenses, which barely budge an inch from their resting place. The gears of the neurotic level defense mechanisms creak and groan, but they work for us. They can open a boundary door, no matter how painfully, and noisily, and when they close, the door may clang shut as if it is forever. But with some effort, these neurotic defenses can somehow manage to still serve us in the adult world.
It is a bit like being a disgruntled homeowner of a distressed house. The house keeps us sheltered, although the roof may leak here and there. The locks work, and there is running water. We can make a life there, have a job, even raise a family, but we are never quite feeling entirely safe, never quite content, and while disaster may never quite strike our house, we nevertheless worry away our time and waste much of it, waiting for when disaster will come. We are sure of it.
These are the neurotic level defenses, and they are common among most people on the planet, including us, and, famously, to Woody Allen, where we have just reached the bar of all those who really have a go at a lasting, mature, successful adult relationship.
They are imperfect and cause some drama, but for once, they are workable, and are often where we can grow and transform ourselves into better partners in a solid, enduring, successful relationship.
Remember that in the Freudian sense, defense mechanisms see what he called the ‘Ego’ take a mediator’s role in helping what he called the ‘Superego’ negotiate with the wild and wooly ‘id,’ to strike a sometimes uncomfortable agreement. That the Superego will stop being as self-critical and moralistic about the desires of the unconscious, “reptilian” id, and that the id will in exchange, be more undercover and less brash and rude with airing its primitive, animalistic desires to one’s self or the world. It’s a bit like the childish id and grandparently Superego who have an argumentative history with each other have been invited to a dinner party, with the diplomartic, adult, ‘Ego’ as host, to make sure things go well. It takes some clever diplomacy to make sure none of the guests notice or get offended by the “dirty family laundry.”
What is neurotic about us is not what makes the child and the grandparent fight like cats and dogs in front of others, but more like they have a potentially embarassing, sarcastic, hostile banter, provoking each other from across the table, with only an occasional guest noticing enough to perk up their ears.
These defense mechanisms are fairly common in adults, as we’ve said. Such social habits have short-term advantages in keeping us stable and functional, but can often cause long-term problems in relationships, work and, importantly, in enjoying life in general. They will cause a person to barely participate adequately in the Four Skills of Commitment and to make adjustments in the Four Commonalities of Commitment seen in intellectual attraction.
Common Neurotic Defense Mechanisms
Displacement➳
Whenever you are in a relationship and are inexplicably getting blamed for something you didn’t do, it is very likely that this social habit is going on, especially if there is a “triangle” of relating.
For example, 1. you, 2. her, and 3. grandpa, or 1. you, 2. him, and 3. junior, or 1. you, 2. him, and 3. his boss, or 1. you, 2. her, and 3. her best friend.
Displacement occurs when, in the above, grandpa is dying of cancer, she is unconsciously furious at him for dying, and she is suddenly angry at you being five minutes late for visiting hours because you stopped at the gift shop to bring something nice up to the room.
Dissociation ➳
This social habit is more than just ‘zoning out,” since it involves utterly losing touch with one’s sense of personhood for a time, to separate the experience of trauma, attack or anxiety on that personhood, a bit like getting up and leaving a room in which there is an argument going on, only the room is you.
Hypochondriasis ➳
This social habit shows us how the more mature in defenses we get, the more subconscious or conscious they become as opposed to the pure, automatic unconscious. You may see how this one is similar to somatization or conversion, and yet the person experiencing it is also aware that they are spending time in thinking about illnesses that they may or may not have. Call it the “medical student Syndrome,” where every illness you learn about, leads to an excessive preoccupation or worry about actually having it.
Intellectualization ➳
Sometimes when you are dating or considering a relationship with a smart person, it can make you pull your hair out. You want to understand them as a real person and feel emotion in them, but no matter what you do, they always have a logical, intellectual way of explaining away how things feel, favoring instead, how things work. Alternatively, you may find that they tend to get enraged by your intellectuality, always complaining to you that you don’t seem to understand them at all, which angers you too, because you’re smart enough to understand what’s going on between you of course. But what they mean is that they don’t feel you understanding them, emotionally, not truly empathizing with them.
Isolation ➳
Like intellectualization, the social habit of isolation tamps down on the outer expression of emotion, in favor of only focusing on ideas. It reminds us that we have an inner experience of communicating to ourselves. This separation need not be only seen in explanations of things or intellectual arguments, but also simply the inner experience of not feeling the emotions of a social situation, as if the emotions are stuffed into the unconscious alongside the instincts, under the “ego boundary,” and out of our awareness.
Rationalization ➳
You might see this social habit as being somehow related to the much more primitive, “denial,” in that it is an automatic, unconscious attempt to excuse one’s self from culpability for a moral failing or mistake. Anyone who has ever been in a love relationship knows it well, both from doing it, and being on the receiving end. It causes us to continue to function without guilt, and deal with the aftermath later.
Regression ➳
This social habit is one of those which has become part of the popular lexicon, and while people generally know what it means, it is important to see its core element as one of going backward in one’s level of maturity in response to a threatening stress or emotion. This means that the person has reached a certain level of development in their life, but the way they are behaving now is a response to some emotional trouble they are going through.
Repression ➳
We have talked about “beliefs” as a construct of memory, and how it is that emotions tie to ideas in order to make a complete belief. This social habit might be said to be the opposite of intellectualization in a way, since it is one where the emotion is allowed to remain present, but the idea or knowledge of a conflict is what is sent out of the conscious mind.
Undoing ➳
It is helpful to remember that in some way, defense mechanisms always pertain to the functioning of a personal boundary - either the outer one which connects us to the social world around us, or the inner, ego boundary which separates our unconscious instincts from our conscious mind and emotions. If we remember the visual depiction of a boundary, then we can always bypass the technical terms in which so much sounds alike.
Upward and Downward Social Comparisons ➳
This is a common one, and a good one with which to see that in spotting the social habits in another person, we have a method of estimating their current maturity level by way of which ones they most commonly use. This then gives us an indicator of two important things about intellectual attraction:
- How capable they are of being a partner who can truly remain in a committed relationship.
- How capable they are of being a partner with whom we can have the discipline, patience and skill to reach our life’s goals together.
Withdrawal ➳
Sometimes a social habit can be more than primitive, more than immature, and yet, still severe, or indicative of suffering. Withdrawal is like this, and is seen often in traumatized individuals. It is similar to the phenomenon we had discussed previously, called “ghosting,” where males were removing themselves from society due to the pain they perceive there. It might be said to be similar in unconscious strategy to fantasy or wishful thinking.
Return to the FOUR LEVELS OF EGO DEFENSES ➳
See the Primitive Ego Defenses, Immature Ego Defenses, Neurotic Ego Defenses, and Mature Ego Defenses.