Mature Ego Defenses

These social habits are seen in emotionally healthy adults and are considered psychologically mature, well-developed, and may be considered to be, to use the very recent catch-phrase, “emotionally intelligent.”

However, you might also notice these to be higher level, more constructive variations of those defenses that we have used in less mature days. The development of a specific individual parallels the evolution of that of the average person, with a similarity of form between stages of growth, but improved, more constructive, mature function.

The mature defenses not only secure more stable social connections and durable relationships, but there is more enduring pleasure, happiness and feelings of control.

That very statement may sound contradictory to you because of what we have learned about boundaries, but consider something:

The boundary marks what we currently do not control from what we do. However, it does not limit increased control of the world around us in the future. That very action is the whole point of why we set goals and pursue success in reaching them. It is real control over the world around us when we reach goals, since we own the results, and have done the real work of making success happen. As in the diagram we have covered before, once you reach a goal, it isn’t called a goal anymore. It is called an accomplishment, and an accomplishment is now part of us, in our control.

If the mature defenses are about solid, mature boundaries, both inner (the ego boundary between the instincts and the conscious self) and outer (the personal boundary), then we are most equipped with these mature defenses to be a success.

With more mature automatic social habits come more mature, lasting results, technically, “higher character,” and therefore we see yet another direct reflection of why Freud quoted philosopher Epictetus as saying, “Character is Destiny.” We usually think of “Destiny” as pertaining to success in reaching our goals - to win the Olympics, to play piano in Carnegie Hall, to be President some day. We think of these things as our “destiny,” when they are really, wished-for goals. Goals that will rely on our character, and therefore our level of maturity of the Ego Defenses.

These defenses help to integrate conflicting emotions and thoughts, without having to bury, hide, or send either to the unconscious, separate from the other. Yet, they allow us to still remain personally, socially and professionally effective.

It has been said that mental health is “the capacity to hold two contradictory thoughts in mind at the same time.” This could be extended to the concept of being able to hold both difficult emotion and ideas in the conscious mind at the same time, and work with them to a solution. In fact, similar to the works of the Positive Psychologists of the past several decades, those of us who use these mature defense mechanisms are usually considered to have “virtue” or be “virtuous,” very valuable terms for our next step of intellectual attraction, where we find compatibility between our own character virtues and those of a mate.

We have reached the pinnacle of the first step of intellectual attraction and commitment, where our understanding and mastery of boundaries has led us to the most mature, constructive and virtuous social habits with others, essentially the Virtues discussed by the ancient philosophers. They will cause a person to participate quite adequately or even masterfully in the Four Skills of Commitment and to make adjustments in the Four Commonalities of Commitment seen in intellectual attraction.

Common Mature Defense Mechanisms

Acceptance ➳

Many of us have heard of the “5 stages of grief”: the process where denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance help us get over a major loss, such as that of a person from our lives. The final resting point where stability is regained is considered to be acceptance, a condition of equanimity and peace, and if you consider it in terms of solid boundaries, a person who has a solid boundary without a lot of holes to suffer through, or a complete understanding of what one controls from what they do not.

Altruism ➳

Altruism is another virtue we all tend to be taught in school and in religious training. To give alms to the poor, or a tithe, or to share with other children in kindergarten makes sense to teach, but why?

The Evolutionary Psychologists point us toward the concept of kinship and reciprocal altruism among animals, and especially, mammals, where we find an evolutionary advantage in occasionally sharing our resources with other members of the species, especially coming from a point of excess resources. It is simple logic, that to avoid being what they call a free rider on the population, we need to occasionally give, as one invests in a “social bank account,” because there will likely come a time when we need to withdraw from that bank account.

Anticipation ➳

There is a great deal of sound financial advice out there for the young starting out in the workforce. The “Millionaire Calculator” at timevalue.com estimates that if at a 2.3% return rate and 25% income tax rate, you were to save about 2000$/month for the next 30 years, you would have a million dollars.

Taking this idea of altruism further in its financial implications, we consider the role of having a view to the future as a mature defense mechanism and virtue of character. In terms of boundaries, you might see it as an extension of the knowledge of what we currently control and don’t control about life.

Courage ➳

Courage as an ego defense shows us something more than just a mature level of development. As you have seen in the Rescue Map of Anxiety we learned about in the emotional attraction of the mammalian brain, it is an instrumental skill for transforming one of the two most prevalent negative emotions - anxiety - into a positive, and is really the only route to self-generating that part of self-esteem we call confidence.

Forgiveness ➳

One of the hardest virtues of all to practice when one has been hurt by divorce, or emotionally abused, insulted or offended by one so close to them. This semi-conscious tendency to see that harboring revenge is a win/lose proposition, and that there comes a time to let go of resentment, indignation or anger is the only way to thrive in the real world of mistakes that people make, including ourselves. We all have limited resources to make use of in pursuing our life’s goals together (or apart), and with that in mind, we cannot afford to harbor negative spending of our energy on the selfishness of seeking the gratification of revenge. We need to let go of the need for retribution or restitution so that we can reinvest our psychological resources either in the relationship, or in ourselves. Ask anyone who has ever gone to court how they feel about the time, energy and money they have spent in fighting an ex, versus what they could have done with all that value.

Emotional Self-regulation ➳

This defense really shouldn’t be called a defense at all. It’s a strength, it’s common sense, and a virtue. If there is any reflection of the direct connection between the defenses and one’s personal boundary function, this one is the best of the best as an example.

Emotional Self-sufficiency ➳

This virtue of character and mature defense mechanism has, as its basis, not being dependent on the validation or approval of others. As such, you might consider it “self-love” or “self-respect.”

Gratitude ➳

Humility ➳

While nobody is perfect, and nobody has a flawless record in their relationships, it is all the more important to imagine being with a partner who has a humble rather than aggrandized self-opinion. If it is success at our goals that we seek, but we find ourselves with a partner (or being the partner) who has an expanded sense of self, that will prove more costly to us both to maintain and feed with the limited resources we have.

Humor ➳

It was said that the German Philosopher and writer, Goethe, had three rules to follow in throwing a dinner party, something he loved to do often in his intellectual salons that he would put on.

Mature Identification ➳

On the surface, you might think the unconscious modeling of one's own identity on another person's character and behavior to be more on the immature side, and based in too much of what the Self Psychologists have called “false self.” However, when done in small amounts, for example, in having heroes even into mature, adult life, or in a deep bonding of the shared identity between two mature partners at that “mandorla” intersection of their boundaries, you might also see how identification can also be a natural, mature, higher level feature of being human.

Mercy ➳

You have certainly heard the phrase that “Absolute power corrupts, absolutely.” Well, only for those with weaknesses of character and the incipient lack of mercy for others. This may draw from the concept that no human being is entirely free of narcissism, the tendency to be selfish, self-centered, to lack empathy for others, to cross the boundaries of others and to be occasionally win/lose in our social transactions with others.

Mindfulness ➳

The obvious connection to the psychological trait of Observing Ego skill is here, in mindfulness as a virtue, a character trait, and a mature ego defense. It is coming from a present moment perspective in time, a capacity for curiosity, and acceptance of the reality that we all have growing to do. It is nearly identical to Observing Ego in these features.

Moderation ➳

The ability to avoid extremes of behavior and modulate our own behavior within reasonable limits is essential, as we have said. This also extends to the ability to interpret the threats and stresses which come our way too, to see them as something that will worsen at times and eventually improve on their own, or with our intervention. We will also see that Aristotle’s “Golden Mean” of virtue has much to do with this crucial ego defense.

Patience ➳

We have said that patience may be a feature of the “inner boundary” we have been learning about - the “Ego Boundary” as I have called it - that which blocks or allows material from the unconscious instincts and drives to enter the conscious mind (whether or not having done that, your “outer boundary,” the Personal Boundary allows the impulse to be publicly expressed is a second matter.

Respect ➳

Respect is a clear feature of our outer, Personal Boundary. Through seeing where we end and others begin, where our responsibility and ownership of resources ends and that of others begins, and where our control ends especially, and that of others begins forms the essence of respect. We have to respect the impossibility of controlling what belongs to others.

Sublimation ➳

Sublimation we have covered by example. It is a high skill and trait in which one properly transforms the passionate instincts, through the emotions, into the conscious, higher brained actions of assertiveness and courage toward specific goals.

Suppression ➳

Suppression gives us the conscious decision to delay dealing with our emotions or destructive things in our lives, so that we may deal with the present things we need to get done to survive, to maintain stability, and to rework our strategy at life’s goals as a successful couple. It is reminiscent of the 1990s action films where the main character would often say, “I ain’t got time to bleed.”

Tolerance ➳

Tolerance is simple - allowing that of which one disapproves, which is the ultimate in respect for what boundaries even are - that we don’t own or control the opinions or perspectives of others.