In the Romantic Dynamics model, "pathological narcissism" is an important feature of our psychology which can shoot down nearly any aspect of romance, and ruin the progress in any of the three phases of courtship. We borrow from the Self Psychologists, and Psychodynamic theorists to understand it, but also add some principles of the Game Theory of Economics, most notably, the Nash Equilibrium, to understand it.
The easiest way to consider what pathological narcissism is, simply put, is to see it as immaturity, or the opposite of character maturity and virtue. As such, you might see it as childish, evil, destructive, selfish, and a host of other negative descriptors. Even traditions in storytelling attempt to explain it to every world culture through history, in the form of "monster stories." Especially vampire stories. All the same story motifs offer symbolism of the various features of narcissism.
In essence, pathological narcissism, or "narcissism," for short, pulls its name from the Greek god and myth of Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflection and stared at it so long that he eventually died of malnourishment.
Walking Though the Anatomy of Pathological Narcissism
Boundary Holes ➳
Boundary holes allow anything in or out, including good things and bad things. It is like saying, "yes" to everything that happens socially. As a result, one has an "external locus of control," in which the uncontrollable in the social environment, controls us. They are almost always a central part of pathological narcissism, and also correlate with the most immature kind of social habits of relating, called the immature defense mechanisms.
Reptilian Brain ➳
The defense mechanisms being unconscious, and the immature and outright primitive ego defenses being the social habits operating most prominently in pathological narcissism, we need to remember that that which is unconscious is also that which is "reptilian brained." Which is to say the animal part of us, the impulsive, automatic, unwise, thoughtless part of ourselves is what dominates the behaviors of pathological narcissism. Which is also to say that the behaviors of pathological narcissism will tend to look like our instinctual behaviors - those which help us survive, or look more feminine or more masculine - but result in further damage to our sense of identity, instead. We, therefore, need to remember that that which is invisible is not necessarily false. It is just that the energy dynamics present ought to do more for a woman than participating in a one-night stand with her. It ought to do more for the man as well, more than simply offering a chance to empty his wallet on a date which is going nowhere.
Pathological narcissism is not at all, just the presence of survival, masculine or feminine instincts running one's behavior. The real cause of pathological narcissism is more about what is absent than what is present (pathological narcissism.) And what is absent is the solid doors of the personal boundary, leaving us empty.
Immature Defense Mechanisms ➳
The immature defense mechanisms are universal, unconscious social habits that are used in our earliest social interactions, when we, ourselves, are the most immature. Also called "Ego Defenses," the immature variety includes such recognizable behaviors as Denial, Projection, and Repression. On the surface, these mark a person avoiding responsibility, hiding from accountability, blaming others for destructive actions, and relieving the individual employing them socially from uncomfortable emotions surrounding their own actions. Underneath them all, are faulty personal boundaries dominant in boundary holes, and the socially destructive behaviors that they allow.
Destructiveness ➳
Pathological narcissism is destructive in the game theory sense, in that it employs a "win/lose" decision-making style, with most interpersonal dealings benefitting the narcissism, and somehow diminishing or taking away from the recipient of the narcissism, much like the story motif of a vampire sucking the blood out of a victim. As a result, much of the story elements of vampire and other monster stories told in cultures the world over, also symbolize elements of the psychology of pathological narcissism.
Suffering ➳
Suffering is a feature of boundary holes that we have described, in which the permanently open hole allows us to burn or waste energy, time, money and other psychological resources, wishing that we controlled something in life that we do not. These holes also allow us to not detect the limits of what we own, control or have a right to. They deceive us, and so it is no wonder that we make social mistakes with disastrous results, time and time again. Suffering is akin to the mythological view that vampires (like pathological narcissists) are empty and soulless creatures. It may also remind you that just as vampires are said to not be able to see themselves in a mirror, the pathological narcissist does not see the personal boundary that defines our identity, on account of these holes, and their missing, defining line of personal identity.
Vice ➳
Major features of pathological narcissism include the lack of skill at certain, Higher Brained features of maturity and virtue, such as a lack of Observing Ego, to pay attention socially and learn moral lessons, the lack of solid boundaries or a personal boundary riddled with holes and or walls, rather than interdependent doors. The vices of pathological narcissism contain the nature of the "Seven Deadly Sins": gluttony, lust, greed, pride, despair, wrath, vanity and sloth. They also contain the more ordinary, mundane and contextual vices we know from the pathological narcissism depicted in the Anger Map and Anxiety Map: depression, aggression, hurt, anger, addiction, impulsivity, avoidance, masochism, threatening, and fear (anxiety.)
Imbalance ➳
Pathological narcissism also carries imbalance in all the psychological resources, for example a large amount of confidence with an utter lack of well-being, or an abundance of shrewdness or intuition, with a relative lack of ethics or innocence. As such, pathological narcissism is directly contrary to the fitness as a person to find mutuality of friendship in the emotional attraction phase two of courtship, or the committed partnership phase three of courtship.
Observing Ego ➳
The importance of Observing Ego as the master skill of personal growth cannot be underlined enough, especially in its function at being the very starting point (and a large part of the cure) for pathological narcissism. We have said that it is the antidote for "regret," in that it is what lets us know that we have "done our best" in any moral or behavioral choice. It helps us see what is destructive versus constructive in our behavior and that of others. It lets us see what is of poor boundaries versus what is of good boundaries. It lets us see virtue from vice in our own behavior and that of others, and it is always present when someone is employing mature ego defenses versus primitive or immature ego defenses as a set of universal social habits that signal to others, what our maturity level is.
When we have Observing Ego turned on, we can actually see all of our own psychological imbalances, and start to work on those, literally prescribing for ourselves what changes need to happen to achieve better balance, and therefore healthy, happy, successful function in romance, and in life.
Pathological narcissism is the master saboteur of love and romance, and must be thoroughly understood in order to have a lasting romance.
Below are many of the problems with psychological skills and resources that are contained in it:
