We can't move on to Compromise or Collaboration as relationship skills before we master the Communication between us, and we can't work on the communication between us if one or the other person doesn't even have interest in us - Curiosity and an openness to new learning.
Without intimacy (two people being present minded at the same time), communication falls flat or is inaccurate, distracted, and includes erroneous or irrelevant information, when Observing Ego is not employed. Bad communication also comes from a lack of Observing Ego to make us not miss details about someone else’s ideas or emotions in sending and receiving communication. It also comes from a lack of personal boundary skill to assure that there is not distortion or a twisting of their words or actions into something that was not intended to be conveyed in the way it did.
Think of these four skills, in order, as going from "interest" in one's partner (and self), to "connection" with them, to "synthesis" of identity and goals, then finally, "unity" with each other in a new, action-oriented form.
Likewise, the four "commonalities" or traits that we may have in common, think of as, "how-to" (for intelligence), which comes before "balance of interests and resources" or "pooling of resources" (which comes with maturity), followed by "why do this thing" (that comes from an examination of one's personal and shared beliefs, otherwise, why do the thing?), and then "execution" (which is the nuts and bolts of going for the specific goal, in how we perform.)
When we think about the communication needs of a committed relationship, we usually think too simplistically, in that any person on the planet can, of course, communicate. What we miss is that the necessary communication skills of true partners who accomplish goals together needs something very specific.
First, it needs to be free of cognitive distortions that are very common in the Primitive Ego Defenses and Immature Ego Defenses, the universal, age-appropriate, unconscious, automatic social skills of small children and early adolescents. One problem that cannot be overcome by general immaturity of character rests in this skill, in that it is nearly impossible for someone operating at that Ego Defense level to even begin to acquire the necessary communication quality free of distortion enough to make the relationship last in the intellectual attraction - where we must successfully reach our goals.
Just think of the stakes for two mountain-climbers, climbing alone on a mountain, and facing bad weather, the altitude, cold, risk of falling, ice, and other deadly conditions. This is the risk of teaming up with an immature partner who twists communication into inaccuracy, or danger to both you, and to themselves. Take that metaphor into the financial, legal, career, and parenting arenas and imagine what errors can be made over time, until there is one stress that comes along and not only does in the relationship, but does in the financial or occupational (or physical) health of one of the partners or their children.
Thus, communication is a major skill of commitment.
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