Unlike Resignation, which is mainly about ideas being "abandoned" by your partner, about your dreams, Abdication is a character "vice of deficit" that is more vicious and destructive in other ways than just in ideas - financial, moral, social, even physical neglect of you as a partner, may be a portion of Abdication. A vice stemming from what would otherwise be a character virtue of Authority. It is taking too little authority over achieving a goal, like shunning all responsibility for your welfare, your function, upkeep and every other "basic" decency one would expect in any partnership, let alone a romantic one. Like any feature of psychology, Abdication can have a range - from mere "neglectful" behavior, all the way to outright passive-aggressive sabotage of your dreams and your welfare as an equal partner. In Abdication, the partner is likely trying to indirectly control or change the other partner in some way, to fit their own life's goals - their "mission in life" or "purpose in life."

However, they may also be doing it unconsciously, simply to dispense with their own anger or rage, and finding the least-effort, most passive way to steer the relationship only toward their own life's goals. You may notice right in that statement that the Immature Ego Defense, called, "Passive-aggressiveness" would be used in order to express Abdication. (Learning about the Ego Defenses, you will find them to be a handy, objective measure of a personal character maturity level.)

It is pathologically narcissistic to be abdicating of course, given that it produces destructiveness, a "win/lose" behavior - causing what you might call, "relationship rot," or using the phrase, "rotting from the inside out," passive with hostility for no good purpose, manipulative, or just outright neglect, Abdication may come out early in codependence, when one or the other partner either consciously or unconsciously seeks to dominate all the psychological resources of the couple, eventually.

The other vice of Authority as a virtue is called, "Tyranny," where a person "takes over control" of many aspects of the other partner's life functions in terms of Authority.

Someone who uses "abdication," is by definition, controlling in nature, of poor boundaries, narcissistic, and disregarding of the sacrosanct nature of your "purpose" or "mission" in life. Your life's goals and dreams are the most precious things you have, more even than the romance itself. Abdication, or neglect, directed counter to the goals and dreams of a mate shows poor boundaries and a lack of respect for the very life of the other person, beyond even their ideas or emotions. It is their spirit itself - their masculinity or femininity - that is at risk of being hijacked or depleted, and needs their own recapturing of equal Authority in the relationship as its virtuous cure.

As a vice which makes partnership within relationships fail to get to goals, and intellectually unattractive, consider Abdication to be negative in many ways, including in sexual attraction, since it actually depletes the reserves of one's own, or the other partner's masculinity or femininity, making them less attractive and feeling less attracted back to you.

RETURN TO CHARACTER COMPATIBILITY

Being abstruse is a character "vice of deficit" stemming from what would otherwise be a character virtue in the form of elegance. It is intellectually narcissistic, which is to say that it contains either the intellectual narcissism of ignorance or prejudice. One may be ignorant of the maturity level of the audience for an elegant idea, or may be prejudicial against those who can't understand and process more complex concepts, just ignoring the language translation to more simple terms that they could otherwise understand and which appeal to them at their maturity level. It is then a common branding and marketing mistake made by academics and other complex thinkers who try to get their ideas across.

Someone who is "abstruse," is by definition, confusing in their complexity of communication. However, all human beings communicate on a spectrum between being overly simplistic, and overly complex to match the needs of their audience. This highlights the central psychological skill within maturity, which is the Observing Ego to scan the environment for its composition and needs, matching that to what we endeavor in that social environment.

RETURN TO CHARACTER COMPATIBILITY

Many of us have heard of the “5 stages of grief”: the process where denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance help us get over a major loss, such as that of a person from our lives. The final resting point where stability is regained is considered to be acceptance, a condition of equanimity and peace, and if you consider it in terms of solid boundaries, a person who has a solid boundary without a lot of holes to suffer through, or a complete understanding of what one controls from what they do not.

Such a mature person does not attempt to change a disagreeable circumstance, doesn’t protest it, or struggle and suffer over it more than is seen in any normal, imperfect human.

We may be reminded of “the patience of Job” - the Biblical figure who pointlessly went through all manner of stresses, traumas and losses when God turned the Devil loose on him, only to shrug his shoulders in the end, in effect saying, “What could I do? These things just happened.”  All the while, he refused to “turn his back on God” or curse Him. If you think about this, it is similar to having a very strong boundary and deep recognition of what we control from what we don’t. Job not turning his back on God, or cursing Him is equivalent to not suffering. In essence, he refused to turn his back on the truth, or on reality - that there are many things in life, if not most, which we simply do not control.

Religions and psychological science often suggest acceptance as a method of managing unchangeable situations or losses, and there is even a Biblical postscript to the story - suffering may not just happen for no reason, nor just to teach us acceptance, but also to teach patience that carries a reward, for it is also said, “This too, shall pass,” and “Time heals all.”

We may see acceptance as a high virtue springing from solid boundaries, and underlining the patience needed to employ boundaries long enough to reach happiness and success, especially in times where we utterly have no control.

In the language of boundaries, we have found an easy way to describe a seemingly complex virtue in just one word - acceptance - the refusal to suffer, no matter what comes our way.

It is watching, observing, witnessing our own lives, like the narrator of a great novel, all without having to feel compelled to act.

GO BACK TO MATURE DEFENSE MECHANISMS.

Achilles was a Greek hero of the Trojan War and the central character and greatest warrior of Homer's Iliad. His mother was the immortal Thetis, and his father, the mortal King Peleus.

Achilles' most notable feat during the Trojan War was the slaying of the Trojan hero Hector outside the gates of Troy. Although the death of Achilles is not presented in the Iliad, other sources concur that he was killed near the end of the Trojan War by Paris, who shot him in the heel with an arrow. Achilles was invulnerable in all of his body except for his heel because, when his mother Thetis dipped him in the river Styx as an infant, she held him by one of his heels. Alluding to these legends, the term "Achilles heel" has come to mean a point of weakness, especially in someone or something with an otherwise strong constitution. The Achilles Instinct in men is then, the power and passion of knowing one's own weakness, even major handicaps, and developing strategies that capitalize on strengths, so as to make one's weaknesses relatively irrelevant. He is also the instinct in men that can turn enemies to friends.

Zeus and Poseidon had been rivals for the hand of Thetis until Prometheus warned Zeus of a prophecy that Thetis would bear a son greater than his father. For this reason, the two gods withdrew their pursuit, and had her wed Peleus.

According to the Iliad, Achilles arrived at Troy with 50 ships. When the Greeks left for the Trojan War, they accidentally stopped in Mysia, ruled by King Telephus. In doing battle with the inhabitants, Achilles gave Telephus a wound that would not heal, but when Telephus consulted an oracle who stated that "he that wounded shall heal", he sought after Achilles, who healed him so that he might become their guide for the voyage to Troy.

When Penthesilea, queen of the Amazons and daughter of Ares, arrives in Troy, Priam hopes that she defeat Achilles. After his temporary truce with Priam, Achilles fights and kills the warrior queen, only to grieve over her death later. At first, he was so distracted by her beauty, he did not fight as intensely as usual. Once he realized that his distraction was endangering his life, he refocused and killed her.

Achilles is then, also the instinct in men, not to be distracted from one's mission, to not give in to the Siren-like machinations of a female opponent, and to always place one's own mission above mere beauty and flirtation.

After his death, he meets Odysseus in the Underworld. Achilles asks Odysseus of his son's experiences in the Trojan war, and when Odysseus tells of the son's heroic actions, Achilles is filled with satisfaction. This gives us an ambiguous understanding of how Achilles felt about the heroic life. He is a "man's man."

RETURN TO THE MASCULINE INSTINCTS

Actaeon was the hunting companion of Artemis who, seeing her naked in her sacred spring, lost control of himself. She was bathing in the woods when he stumbled across her, thus seeing her naked. Actaeon stopped and stared, amazed at her ravishing beauty. This is the natural instinct in males to adore the physical beauty in women - the "wandering eye" which is an expression of masculinity and empassioning to the male, filling him with life. However, the downside is the selfish experience and expression of this.

Once seen, Artemis got revenge on Actaeon: she forbade him speech — if he tried to speak, he would be changed into a stag — for the unlucky profanation of her virginity's mystery. This makes perfect sense today, in the old wisdom that a real and chivalrous gentleman, “never kisses and tells.” To do so dishonors the woman, and reveals the man to have poor boundaries, unable to keep a secret, control himself, or treat her with respect in which she is at risk in her reputation for allowing such intimate contact with her.

When a man kisses and tells, or behaves in an ungentlemanly way, he may find himself deprived of a voice in the social group which the woman belongs to. The Artemis in women assesses, identifies and judges the mature behavior capability in men - that which leads to resources and a stable commitment later. When he is immature, unreliable, or rude, he may find himself voiceless, shouted down even by his own peers (symbolically, his hunting dogs, or one might call, “wingmen.”)

Upon hearing the call of his hunting party, Actaeon cried out to them and immediately was changed into a stag, as per the curse. At this he fled deep into the woods, and doing so he came upon a pond and, seeing his reflection, groaned. His own hounds were on his heels at that point, and turned on him, not recognizing him. In an endeavour to save himself, he raised his eyes (and would have raised his arms, had he had them) toward Mount Olympus. The gods did not heed his actions, and he was torn to pieces.

As with many myths and many of the instincts, it is possible that the various interpretations reveal various functions of the instinct. This myth and story reveal how it is that the “Actaeon in men” is spotted by the woman’s Artemis Instinct in the form of lack of maturity, lack of character, lack of sophistication, chivalry or gentlemanliness in the form of such singles’ behaviors as:

• The man not being able to control his sexual urges.
• The man being “too eager” or impatient to get to the bedroom (or to get anything else he wants - impatience is poor boundaries.
• The man being too free and easy to neglect his duties and responsibilities (as Actaeon was charged with being a professional, maintaining propriety with Artemis, and as a hunter.)
• Crossing professional boundaries into romance or acting on fantasies or wishes (which is a no no for sure in today’s workplaces.)
• Ignoring or betraying one’s mates on account of a woman. (the origin of “Bros before...” well, women in today’s lingo.)

These and others in today’s dating world are spotted by the Artemis in women. They indicate that the man will not likely be a good mate for the long haul, provider, or generous, chivalrous gentleman.

RETURN TO THE MASCULINE INSTINCTS

Direct expression in action of an unconscious wish, instinct or impulse, without conscious awareness of the emotion underlying the behavior. It is literally letting the instincts run our behavior without filtering or intervention by our boundaries, ethics, or other features of behaving in a socially civilized way, most often caused by a lack of Observing Ego skill.

This is the instinct-driven behavior of teens who are in the midst of angry or confused emotion, and also explains physical behavior, including violence, such as when someone says that they don’t know what overcame them; you just “made them angry.” This kind of automatic, “autopilot” behavior will tend to be directly contradictory to the purposeful and strategic setting of goals in the context of a committed relationship, if it is rampant or pervasive in the person. It won’t matter that the person was not conscious or aware of what they were doing; their actions will defeat the couple’s mission of reaching their goals if you enter a relationship with them.

It is seen in numerous romantic comedies in which things will not work out for a pairing, because one or the other character has done something regrettable, and which lacked Observing Ego, perhaps even something unforgivable. It is the nature of acting out, that one later has regrets about behavior, and any situation in a romance in which someone has later remorse over behavior they’ve done, it is likely acting out that was the defense they were using as a social habit.

If there were a cure for acting out, it would most likely be practice at the skill called, Observing Ego. 

One common exercise given in the behavioral health field (and by parents of teens all over the world) is to give a child a “time out.” This simple assignment affords the person a natural window of opportunity for the patient, higher brained sensibilities to “catch up” to one’s rapid, boiling-over instinctual urges.

BACK TO IMMATURE EGO DEFENSES

Addiction is a passive response to anxiety, seen in detail on the Anxiety Map, in which one seeks avoidance of a threat (by hiding inside from it), or impulsively striking out at the threat without thinking it through, which has been called, "aggression," which is a cross-over point (via the Reptilian Brain) to the Anger Map. As such, addiction, impulsivity and avoidance are forms of anxiety, in which one is passive with this negative energy of anxiety. Someone who is fearful, might either run away from a threat, or might mindlessly struggle or attack the threat. You may recognize this as a reptilian-brained instinct of survival, called the "Fight or Flight Instinct." It is the likely operating principle behind what many people suffer of, called, "panic attacks."

In terms of the diagrams of the "three brains" in Romantic Dynamics, addiction, impulsiveness or avoidance, are at the bottom of the Anxiety Map, where one is passive, and doesn't make a decision as to how to use anxiety.  The anxiety in addiction may have originated in grief or loss, emotionally, or it may have originated in being cut down or depleted in the self-esteem called, "confidence." The unique thing about anxiety is that, unlike anger, when we are passive with it, it likes to automatically drive us to thoughtless actions rather than just remaining still in our bodies and minds. This is why it is the "passive option" - the down-arrow of the Anxiety Map. Because it is reactionary and impulsive, and thoughtless action, it is a "Reptilian-brained" mode of using anxiety.

If you have ever "turtled" or stuck your head in the ground like an Ostrich, or know someone who has, consider whether they have "a lack of confidence," which is the very thing that loss, threats and the anxiety they produce, take away. All the threats and losses in life are the source of the anxiety, which causes us to engage in the survival reflex to hide from them. Normally, this "fight or flight reflex" is designed to save our lives, not harm us, but the key rests in whether a threat or loss out there really is deadly or not. So many things in the modern world - divorce, bankruptcy, illness, and other stresses may really feel to us like they very well may kill us, but they really can't. And so, the reflex that is designed to save our lives, if misappropriated or misconstrued as used in facing a deadly threat, ironically, may actually kill us through addiction. Courage is the cure for it.

For example, if one is "fearful about a job," then what are the details?

They may say they are fearful about the "mean boss," the "low pay" that may threaten their ability to pay the bills, and the "high hours" that may threaten to cause them illness and lack of sleep. However, if they were to get angry instead of addicted, they'd be angry about the mean boss, the low pay and the high hours. If they could channel this into directly confronting the fears, through courage, they may be mobilized them out of addictive passiveness and prepared  to face the truth about how terrible the job really is. We know for a fact that leaving the job can't kill them. It can only make them more confident and stronger, through courage.

Courage, is of course, the way out of addiction and anxiety, because it amounts to going out to face one's fears, without hurting others through guilt. Courage and the confidence it builds, are the prime goal of the Anxiety Map.

The down-arrow on the Anxiety Map means that one is emotionally passive, and so passivity and inaction also branch over to the Anger Map, and cause depression to deepen. Masochism is at least, emotionally active (although it solves the problem by dumping anxiety onto others through guilt or neediness.)

By this guideline, then, either masochism or courage are better than staying in addiction. At least masochism teaches one the decision-making lessons that come with destructiveness, "win/lose" behavior, and feeds the stores of both ethics (conscience) and shrewdness (intuition), for better, more courageous decisions with anxiety in the future.

Adonis is traditionally the god of "good looks" in men, but in Romantic Dynamics, the term also refers to the charm and enjoyment of "the boy in the man" - meaning a youthful, playful attitude, not just good looks.

Smyrna, daughter of Theias, king of Assyria, conceives a child by him through trickery. Theias finds out and is determined to kill her, when the gods intervene and turn her into a myrrh tree.

Nine months later, the baby Adonis comes out of the tree. Aphrodite fell in love with the beautiful young man, and sheltered Adonis as a new-born baby, leaving him with Persephone, who was also taken by Adonis' good looks and refused to give him back to Aphrodite.

The dispute between the two goddesses was settled by Zeus, who decided that Adonis was to spend one-third of every year with each goddess and the last third wherever he chose. He chose to spend two-thirds of the year with Aphrodite.

Adonis was killed by a wild boar, said to have been sent by Artemis, jealous of Adonis' hunting skills, or Ares, who was jealous of her love for Adonis.

Aphrodite came to Adonis when she heard his groans and he died in her arms.

One thinks of how lovers may call each other, "baby," as nicknames, and how the endearing charm is of a son to a mother, recapitulated in adult life when couples fall in love.

RETURN TO THE MASCULINE INSTINCTS

Like intellectual Bombast or physical Abdication, which are vices about wasting one's own status at the cost of our joint success, "overly pessimistic" or "overwhelmed, stress-case" behavior, or Alarm is a character "vice of deficit of Equanimity" that sees one as being the essence of "win/lose" or destructive. Only in this case, it is about "the dramatic stress-case of a partner" burning the resources when have no assurance of a stable, smooth ride forward. Yet we must try with Equanimity anyway. This lack of confidence regarding the path to our goals, sabotages the whole overall goals of the relationship by necessitating untold time, energy and money spent on "insurance" that we will have a stable ride to the joint goals.

Like buying extra seats on business class on an airplane just in case there's a little turbulence. It is not a team approach. It makes the Hermes and Odysseus, or "father instincts" for "smooth sailing" to a goal that men crave, feel terrible and not the master navigator of paths to success like he likes to be, in the instinct to protect the woman, and makes the Artemis, or "night hunter of success" in women feel dishonored, given that she is the master of safety on a journey to a goal, which is her instinctual romantic and spiritual right as a woman. Similar to "faithlessness" as opposed to "the faith to believe in us" -  with the "sabotage" of community resources by the stressed-out, alarmist person. It is therefore unattractive sexually.

In being unjust as a partner at contributing to achieving a goal, the alarmist, dramatic, pessimistic partner is burdening their partner in collaboration to a goal, wasting the resources of the other partner on a "false security,"and unneeded assurances. This is annoying the partner that you were billed as a resourceful and stable person when you are "selling them a bill of goods," a "bait and switch" in terms of relationship drama. People comment at the end of the relationship that, "I felt stunned at their unconfidence," or "what looked like a good, stable partner is not what I ended up getting out of you with your drama." That is the Alarmist's usual effect - through the holes in the boundary allowing hysterical, dramatic thinking to substitute for reality, the illusion of threats and paranoia about the world around us. It is "external locus of control" of the boundary.

The alarmist uses an Immature Ego Defense, called, "Catastrophic Thinking" - which is like "making a mountain out of a molehill" or "a tempest in a teapot," or worse - that what is only a wish is somehow an actual reality, when there needs not be a threat. (The Ego Defenses guide us in finding friends and mates who happen to have similar maturity levels.)

It is pathologically narcissistic (or childish thining) to be an alarmist, because we usually want to be its mature version, given that alarm produces destructiveness, and a "win/lose" behavior, while Equanimity, makes for "win/win" behavior in the face of a truly uncertain situation.

The other vice of Equanimity as a virtue is that of moral excess, called, "Insouciance" or "overoptimism,"a "Pollyanna-like" state where a person of basic skill at something "assumes the best," and gets disappointed or afraid by way of personal boundary holes making them feel invincible over impossible obstacles.  Which leads to destructive results for the relationship.

Someone who is romantically making use of alarm is a narcissist, wastefully taking resources away from the achievement of goals and the dreams of a mate, by trying to account for any and every small threat with spent resources on "insurance" against small threats.

As a vice which makes partnership within relationships fail to get to goals, Alarm, drama and overwhelm are intellectually unattractive, consider cowardly behavior to be negative in many ways, including in sexual attraction, since it actually depletes the reserves of one's own, or the other partner's masculinity or femininity"

RETURN TO CHARACTER COMPATIBILITY

Altruism is another virtue we all tend to be taught in school and in religious training. To give alms to the poor, or a tithe, or to share with other children in kindergarten makes sense to teach, but why?

The Evolutionary Psychologists point us toward the concept of kinship and reciprocal altruism among animals, and especially, mammals, where we find an evolutionary advantage in occasionally sharing our resources with other members of the species, especially coming from a point of excess resources. It is simple logic, that to avoid being what they call a free rider on the population, we need to occasionally give, as one invests in a “social bank account,” because there will likely come a time when we need to withdraw from that bank account.

In terms of boundaries, you might see this defense mechanism and virtue as being one that is again, “good boundaries,” because it underscores a recognition that we are not alone in the universe, or the most important person in the world, and others have value too, and need to be respected not merely for their current level of resources, but for the fact that they are also living creatures capable of all the same successes and failures that we are.

In the success of a couple, you might see this social habit - more conscious and intentional than the neurotic, immature, or pathological defenses - as the science-based core of any advice on “investing and withdrawing on a romantic bank account.” This is the kind of tactic built into some of John Gottman’s techniques for couples’ counseling.  That we see each other as a place to invest, and a source of resources to rely on too, such that resentment, that great killer of relationships, does not defeat us in the end.

One way of looking at these virtues, which are strengths of one’s boundary - paired with the constructive decision-making it takes to open the door to good things and closing it to the bad - is to envision what life would be like for a couple in its absence. The partner who has no altruism, who is completely selfish, who thinks nothing of having the excess of energy, time, money, or freedom and does not donate any of it to you, in your state of need in one or more of those areas.

Doing this exercise helps us find what we could not tolerate in the absence of the virtue, and what we ought to appreciate, even in small amounts, to have its presence.

GO BACK TO MATURE DEFENSE MECHANISMS.

Ambition in having Hubris is a vice of excess related to the corresponding virtue of Aspiration. It is a kind of Aspiration on steroids, to the point of ignoring the needs of a partner, and also their potential, highly useful or even crucial contributions to a goal.

Marriage and commitment have a way of forcing us to reconsider our long-held goals, sometimes to align them better to the needs of a partner, but sometimes to a fault, forsaking them for the wrong person.

From Aristotle's Golden Mean, we learn that every Virtue such as this also has two Vices. In the case of aspiration, the vice of excess is ambition that has Hubris, and the deficit is one of Faineance, or the "mental laziness" of just wondering around aimlessly with no goals, no curiosity of true interest in actually reaching a goal, like "wishful thinking" without intention. Hubris of course is filled with pathological narcissism causing relationships to fail by doing harm to the other partner, and Faineance carries a passive narcissism that harms the life of the partner who has it, and therefore harms the relationship indirectly, by non-contribution.

Many couples have fallen apart in partnership and intellectual attraction, simply because one or the other partner did not have aspirations.

RETURN TO CHARACTER COMPATIBILITY

There is a great deal of sound financial advice out there for the young starting out in the workforce. The “Millionaire Calculator” at timevalue.com estimates that if at a 2.3% return rate and 25% income tax rate, you were to save about 2000$/month for the next 30 years, you would have a million dollars.

Taking this idea of altruism further in its financial implications, we consider the role of having a view to the future as a mature defense mechanism and virtue of character. In terms of boundaries, you might see it as an extension of the knowledge of what we currently control and don’t control about life. This gives rise to the concept of even having future goals in the first place. Through goals, what we do not control now, we may in the future.

Think about it this way. If you were a person with holes in your boundary aplenty, you’d feel quite a sense of entitlement in the social world, because you wouldn’t see your limits or personal ownership of what you possess - always feeling as if others owe you their resources, and a “free ride.”  When you would encounter people who are less than blindly generous, you might feel offended, and when you encounter hardship, you’d expect others to step in and manage the lack for you. After all, you may have been raised to feel as if you should be paid by society “just for being fabulous.”

It would be a harsh reality to wake up one day to how destructive this perspective is in terms of reciprocal altruism and kinship with others. Without your realizing it, the givers around you would eventually tire of giving without receiving, and you would eventually have to start making your way in the world without much skill to do so, since you have been waiting to be served for all this time.

Anticipation is the opposite of this perspective, where you are taken by surprise by the reality that we have to be self-sustaining first to be on a team of two, or a team of twenty.  The group we belong to, the family we were born into, and the marriage we have joined will not tolerate us being an eternal free rider. Anticipation already has a respect for this reality, and sees beyond that boundary edge where we don’t control that environment outside ourselves. Then it plans and plots for a savvy use of the resources we now have, to move toward a future that is successful in reaching goals.  When we do, the boundary expands.

In order to do this, we have to have the capacity to restrain our own urges and instant gratifications, the products we would like to buy and the money, time and energy we would enjoy squandering. The boundary outside helps us plot the future goals and the “ego boundary” inside helps us curtail the impatient, urgent impulses of the unconscious, reptilian brain.

If intellectual attraction on a team is about this kind of strategic, wise, future planning of goals, then anticipation as a defense mechanism and virtue is a must. We can’t make it through the stresses of life, encumbered by a partner who is always surprised by the next crisis around the corner.

GO BACK TO MATURE DEFENSE MECHANISMS.

You might be familiar with the Greek myth of Helen of Troy, the “face that launched a thousand ships.”  The legend says that Helen was the most beautiful woman in the world and queen to King Menelaus of Greece.  When the Trojan, Paris sweeps her off her feet, it leads to an epic and tragic war that claims the life of Paris.  Aphrodite was the goddess who offered the hand of Helen in the "Temptation of Paris," which of the three candidates, was his final choice. The instinct for beautification, not only of themselves, but of their environment, their community, and their world, comes from the feminine gender instinct that in Romantic Dynamics, we call, "The Aphrodite Instinct." And while the cosmetics industry may be the oldest industry int he world, the core instinctual principle underneath it in women is not just about the physical, but any expression that carries the mathematics of symmetry to it - which is the mathematics of beauty.

This was quite a challenge for Paris because the three goddesses knew that three things drive the Reptilian Brain of a man more than anything else – “alpha-male status” (rank, power and territory), winning at competition, and sex-charged beauty.  Like any man, Paris secretly wanted all of these things, but he could choose only one.  After long deliberation, he chose the thing that he wanted most.  He chose the beauty of Helen.  Aphrodite made it possible for him to steal her from Menelaus, and you know what happened from there – the great Trojan War memorialized in the tale of Homer’s Iliad.

Again, myths survive over thousands of years because they capture essential truths about our Reptilian Brains.  The truth in this myth literally starts to “decode” the masculine Reptilian Brain for us - that all men have the instincts to pursue beauty in women, status in society, and competitive success in career, but they prize feminine beauty above all the rest when it comes to our natural, inborn Romantic Dynamics.  This comes from symmetry of the face and body, which beauty treatments and cosmetics improve, through the artistry of self-adornment, but also making symmetry in the world around them, from their career efforts promoting harmony and fairness, to their contributions to the community that seek equal voices, pay, rights and other virtues of the human soul.

Therefore, it makes sense that the first step for all women who want to attract a man is to be savvy in the ways of augmenting, presenting, and even flaunting their beauty as a power over men. But when we say that someone is a "beautiful person" or has a "beautiful soul," this is not just about the harmony and symmetry with which they move or posture, but how they conduct their psychology in symmetry. This too, will come across as seductive to the masculine instincts.

RETURN TO THE FEMININE INSTINCTS

Apollo is the patron of an inherent trait that any human, male or female can easily summon: that of curiosity about the world, the mind, and the mind of the opposite sex.  Curiosity as the core trait of Apollo fits him, because he was also the god of prophecy, healing, plague, music, poetry, and essentially an intellectual variety that reenergizes that original sexual attractor in men, of “mysteriousness”.

Apollo to the ancient Greeks has been described as the god of light and of the sun, truth and to my mind that also implies being a man of education. But not everyone is a college graduate today, and as of just a couple of years ago women have surpassed men in western cultures such as that of the United States, in terms of college graduation.

In other words, curiosity itself is sexy to women, and in empowering a man to pass her tests in this step of sexual attraction, he will need to be relied upon to keep the man alert, awake, aware, and cognizant of his environment. It is many a cad who so driven by his desire for the woman, to bed her, or even “to win,” that he loses sight of the patience, sentience, and composure that it takes to still do the right, courteous, and still sexy thing – the gentlemanly thing – even in the face of overwhelming desire and lust.

Even the dignified Apollo, as symbolic of one component of the primitive animal nature in men, can still be driven by desire. A passion and desire for knowledge.

RETURN TO THE MASCULINE INSTINCTS

Arachne was a talented mortal weaver who challenged Athena, goddess of wisdom and crafts, to a weaving contest; this narcissism resulted in her being transformed into a spider by Aphrodite, as punishment. There are many versions of the story's weaving contest, but the usefulness of this feminine instinct rests in its way of balancing ambition versus shedding one's own narcissism - a cautionary tale equivalent to the tale of Narcissus and the Narcissus Instinct in males. It also may represent a Promethean argument with the male gods as well, since Arachne's weaving depicted the abuses of mortals, by Zeus. And so the positive light on the Arachne Instinct in women is that it is also the "rebel's instinct" that can make a woman feel passionate and alive.

Arachne was a shepherd's daughter who began weaving at an early age. She became a great weaver, boasted that her skill was greater than that of Athena, and refused to acknowledge that her skill came, in part at least, from the goddess. Athena took offense and set up a contest between them. Presenting herself as an old lady, she approached the narcissistic girl and warned: "You can never compare to any of the gods. Plead for forgiveness and Athena might spare your soul."

"Ha! I only speak the truth and if Athena thinks otherwise then let her come down and challenge me herself," Arachne replied. Athena removed her disguise and appeared in shimmering glory. The two began their weaving contest. Athena's weaving represented four separate contests between mortals and the gods in which the gods punished mortals for setting themselves as equals of the gods. Arachne's weaving depicted ways that the gods had misled and abused mortals, particularly Zeus, tricking and seducing many women. When Athena saw that Arachne had not only insulted the gods, but done so with a work far more beautiful than Athena's own, she was enraged. She ripped Arachne's work into shreds, and hit her on the head three times.

Terrified and ashamed, Arachne hanged herself. Then Athena said "Live on then, and yet hang, condemned one, but, lest you are careless in future, this same condition is declared, in punishment, against your descendants, to the last generation!" After saying this she sprinkled her with the juice of Hecate's herb, and immediately at the touch of this dark poison, Arachne's hair fell out. With it went her nose and ears, her head shrank to the smallest size, and her whole body became tiny. Her slender fingers stuck to her sides as legs, the rest is belly, from which she still spins a thread, and, as a spider, weaves her ancient web." This showed how goddesses punished mortals who dared to insult them.

A woman aligned with her sisters in the Hestia Instinct can do no wrong, even in the eyes of Zeus, who had faults of his own, but when she is not just a rebel with a cause, but a rebel against even her own sisters and matriarchs, she will be set straight in her ways, by the instinct in other women, for justice in conflict, the Athena Instinct.

RETURN TO THE FEMININE INSTINCTS

The Ares Instinct of masculinity is the instinctual/reflex system of the male reptilian brain that just loves a challenge, competition with other men, and the pleasure of winning for winning’s sake. With every ambition to overcome a challenge - at battle in the worlds of career and love, which to men are literally Darwin’s survival, and reproduction - men feel a jolt of life-affirming energy called masculinity. As with the rest of the Masculine Instincts, men are impassioned with vitality when they win at the areas of life, and are filled with the thrill of being alive.

It’s not just a matter of being “naturally competitive,” but rather that men cannot possibly know their place in the world without being in a hierarchy of men – which was first introduced when we learned about the Zeus Instinct.

For, when men don’t know their rank among other men, they also don’t know what to be making passionate effort toward.  There is no reward, and there is no point. Without a hierarchy of other men and winning as the method by which one progresses in that hierarchy - call it the generic, “success,” if you like - men fall into confusion, depression, and paralysis in their lives. There is no point to making effort at anything.

If there isn't a challenge in a goal - one that is not far beyond one's skill, nor too beneath it, but just beyond one's reach - then there isn't a measure of the masculine self. The man feels in chaos, without reference to where he was or where he is going.  The Ares Instinct is disdained by much of pop culture today as if it were the mere surface level of a "war instinct," bent on destructiveness. Not so. Like any instinct, whether masculine or feminine, it is designed for the benefit of the species, the individual, and those he loves. It can be used for good or for bad, and neglecting its power by either men or women is simply, disempowering to both.

RETURN TO THE MASCULINE INSTINCTS

The Ariadne Instinct in the female wants to belong to a cause with meaning and purpose, and to contribute and be honored for what she, uniquely, among all women—is the only one who could do what she does.
Daughter of King Minos who terrified the Athenians with the Minotaur and his Labyrinth, Ariadne falls in love with the Athenian hero, Theseus and helps him kill the Minotaur with her slender, strong Golden Thread. 
This shows how much she believes in him and her teamwork gives him the space to fight and kill then not be lost forever in the maze. The Golden Thread is his emotional connection to her from afar that leads all men back from their work battles to the world of love and home again. 

Artemis was the daughter of Zeus and Leto, and the twin sister of Apollo – making her a rather “intellectual” goddess, the “Renaissance Woman” to Apollo’s “Renaissance Man” – the goddess of feminine accuracy and discriminating judgment of the world around us (and of the qualities in a man.) Her judgement ability made her a perfect complement to the drive for justice in Athena.  The Artemis Instinct is then a companion to the justice of the Athena, in that it uses the fine detail of a "hunter's eye" to target and achieve one's goals, whatever they may be. In the case of romance, it is identifying only the best of the best males to consider as a mate. It is the "hunting instinct" behind the gift for finding a bargain, obtaining only the best in life, and in love.

It was said that as a girl, she was struck on the ears by Hera, who was enraged at Zeus, whose infidelity produced her with Leto, and she ran into the arms of Zeus to sit in his lap, crying one day. She, alongside her brother Apollo, the patron god of Troy, would side with the Trojans against the Greeks. This is interesting if you consider that Paris is the “ultimate male” mortal figure (in our overall three steps of Sexual Attraction) who “does the steps right” - in that, the three gifts offered to him from Aphrodite, Hera, and Athena compose the three things that women do to appeal to men in that order.

If Artemis is then a champion of the Trojans, then she is also partial to Paris. This makes sense, given that she is a useful complement to Athena, who was one of the original three goddesses to use Paris as the arbiter of their contest with each other. It teaches us that although there is a destruction of many males in her wake, the specific reasons for their demise (symbolizing in today’s everyday life, the rejection and shaming of males who do not measure up in character) are either justifiable reasons, or are pure, regrettable accidents.

Artemis, symbolically, as the virginal huntress, was about hunting for purity and truth, while the virginal warrior of the Athena Instinct was about fighting for the causes of justice and wisdom. In this way, you might say that in everyday life, the Artemis Instinct in women could be considered a forward scout for romantic troubles and reservations about men, and the Athena Instinct would be the power-that-be who could then take over and make a final decision about a man’s worthiness for any future together.

RETURN TO THE FEMININE INSTINCTS

Like intellectual Usurpation ("bossy behavior") or physical Tyranny, which are vices about bullying someone, or conniving to selfishly take their resources (like time or energy), or actual possessions (like money) at the cost of their joint success, like its reference virtue, Artifice involves cleverness, but "clever or cunning devices or expedients, especially as used to trick or deceive others."  It is a character "vice of excess of Resourcefulness" in which one's cleverness is used in a "win/lose" or destructive motive. It is about the deceitfulness of a partner, burning one's resources while preserving their own.  You might say that the partner with this vice is a master of "smokescreens," which relies on distraction for their own, selfish survival instead of the "we-attitude" of Resilience.

In being unjust as a partner at contributing to achieving a goal, the artificial partner is burdening their partner in collaboration to a goal, being so bent on their personal "survival needs" that they are in reptilian-brained, personal survival mode (which is narcissistic.) People comment at the end of the relationship that, "I felt like I woke up married to a snake," or "the honest person I married was really, a sneak." That is the Artifice of a partner in its usual effect - of such weak personal boundaries, filled with boundary holes, that they lie and deceive in a survivalist mode, rather than having the faith in themselves (or at least the relationship) to comprehend that life cannot be won without the other partner.  They have been called, "a lone wolf" and "only out for themselves," which in the end, can only prove that they don't love themselves enough to allow themselves to rely on a partner for half of the teamwork.

The artificial person uses an Immature Ego Defense, called, "rationalization" to rid themselves of guilt, and a Primitive Ego Defense, called "Denial" to hide their own eyes from their unjust behavior with the excuse, "I needed to survive." - that what is only a wish is somehow an actual reality, when there needs not be a threat. (The Ego Defenses guide us in finding friends and mates who happen to have similar maturity levels.)

It is pathologically narcissistic (or childish thinking) to be artificial, a liar, because we usually want to be its mature version, Resourcefulness, which makes for the "win/win" behavior of teamwork in the face of menacing threats. The survival at hand needs to be that of the couple, not either individual.

The other vice of Resourcefulness as a virtue, is that of moral deficit, called, "Fallowness" or "intellectual laziness,"a "slacker-like" state where a person of basic skill at something, doesn't even bother to help to try for a goal, leaving the more optimistic, resourceful partner, "on their own" or "high and dry" in the face of a challenge to their joint goals.  They are not "pulling their own weight" and are a "free rider" in the relationship.  Which leads to destructive results for the relationship.

Someone who is romantically making use of Artifice is a narcissist, actively wasting resources and taking them away from the achievement of the goals and the dreams of a mate, by trying to save their own skin.

As a vice which makes partnership within relationships fail to get to goals, Artifice is intellectually unattractive. We consider dishonest behavior to be negative in many ways, including in sexual attraction, since it actually depletes the reserves of one's own, or the other partner's masculinity or femininity". To be "played the fool" is shaming, and therefore diminishing of the gender instincts.

RETURN TO CHARACTER COMPATIBILITY

Aspiration is a combination of the skill of curiosity with the trait of having eyes on goals. Curiosity, you may remember, is largely composed of the core psychological skill of Observing Ego, paired with an educated eye, full of "left brain" ability for detail, history, and organization. Goals, you may recall, pertain to actual accomplishments that we do not yet attain, own or control, which makes the attaining of goals, the only mature, legitimate way of actually gaining more real control over our world. We think of them as "what we want to become,"which is the same as aspiration, only if we really do care about them and have curiosity about their nature and how we might gather our resources to attain them.  They, then, also emerge as a function of our very identity. Aspiration has bearing on our performance in phase three - intellectual attraction - step eight, where we seek to amplify the best virtues toward our goals.

One can't get to a goal without actually caring for that goal, through curiosity, the master trait of identity as well as partnership. Without it, we can't grow, and don't care to, because we don't have Observing Ego to guide us.

It is one thing to know what a goal is in general, but a bit of a higher bar to reach to define one’s specific goals. We all know what that is like from the experience of a New Year’s resolution. Some goals are just wishes or dreams, not real objectives that one has drive for (from the reptilian brain), an emotionally felt reward of happiness attached (from the mammalian brain), nor real intention from the higher brain - that actual work of preparation for action on the goal.

It yet an even higher bar to reach to know what one’s goals are, but then to forget them for a time in favor of turning a curious eye to them, to wonder if they are really worthwhile, and if they are realistic, what the probability is of reaching them, and if there is a very low probability, to persist toward them anyway because they are worth it.  It is a rare and wise person - one with a cultivated Observing Ego - who is willing to consider other options when their original goals were held near and dear for all of life so far. Marriage and commitment have a way of forcing us to reconsider our long-held goals, sometimes to align them better to the needs of a partner, but sometimes to a fault, forsaking them for the wrong person.

From Aristotle's Golden Mean, we learn that every Virtue such as this also has two Vices. In the case of aspiration, the vice of excess is ambition that has Hubris, and the deficit is one of Faineance, or the "mental laziness" of just wondering around aimlessly with no goals, no curiosity of true interest in actually reaching a goal, like "wishful thinking" without intention. Hubris of course is filled with pathological narcissism causing relationships to fail by doing harm to the other partner, and Faineance carries a passive narcissism that harms the life of the partner who has it, and therefore harms the relationship indirectly, by non-contribution.

Many couples have fallen apart in partnership and intellectual attraction, simply because one or the other partner did not have aspirations. We commonly say that we had a falling out, because they "just didn't have any goals." Or because the "wishful thinking" in their goals were so aggressive that we found ourselves "steamrolled" by that partner's excessive aspirations, which made us feel as if we were not really partners, but just being dragged along behind their narcissistic wagon.

Stop all this, with mature, legitimate, shared, aspiration.

RETURN TO CHARACTER COMPATIBILITY

When we use assertiveness, we are literally transforming the negative emotional energy of anger into positive energy, called, "well-being."  This form of self-esteem is defined as a feeling of comfort and satisfaction, as one's needs are met, a feeling of the maternal, or of being mothered. And so assertiveness is how mature adults, "mother themselves."

It is a constructive, "win/win" decision to make with one's anger, and takes mature character virtues of patience, generosity, and other mature ego defenses such as, perhaps, humor, anticipation and others, to execute on. One might say that it is the "higher-brained" use of anger.

When one does assertive actions, they are benefitting everyone, including themselves and their partner, as well as the environment and community, and the positive feedback they get from the environment teaches them something to bolster their mature decision-making, which is the amplification of the conscience and intuition stores that help us identify when we are doing right by others (ethics, conscience) and when we have chosen a beneficial environment in which to operate (shrewdness, intuition.)

This mode of anger expression is then one of the two principles behind the saying, "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger." The stress, called, "hurt" that comes into our lives, the hunger or starvation for psychological resources, and  the aggression of others may be "alchemically" transformed into the self-esteem, called, "well-being" in this way, making us actually happier and more powerful for the experience, through assertiveness.

This decision to act maturely then, may also dispel our sadness or depression, defuse our aggression and that of others, and benefits our romance in the area of love, friendship and emotional attraction.

The Athena Instinct is the feminine instinct for battle and conflict, fairness, justice, and achievement in a civilization. Her's is the feminine gift for discernment of virtue, as the goddess would favor one or the other of two warring armies, and make them win. This instinct is crucial in Step 3 of Sexual Attraction, where now that the couple has expressed preference for each other with their Zeus Instinct and Hera Instinct, the woman now tests the man to the fullest in his level of both masculinity and in character virtue. This instinct is also a leadership in action instinct in women, which is one of joy and vitality in achievement, victory, and "winning."

Of the three gifts offered to Paris by the Greek goddesses, Athena’s gift was that of “winning every battle.”  It is this step of human courtship that people refer to when they talk about “playing hard to get” or people “wanting what they can’t have.” It’s a very common complaint by both men and women, and if you think about it, these statements are misguided and potentially confusing. We have far more to learn about what is a real and final step of Sexual Attraction - one which if treated properly, solidifies a real passion for each other while retaining separate identities. Yet it is also the step, if poorly understood, leads to needless loss of love, relationships, and even would-be marriages.

When we remember that for romance to occur, the two prospective partners are not aligned AGAINST each other, but desire that the other actually "be a winner," someone who can pass the tests of being a fit future partner and teammate, and in which there can be a harmony that is more advantageous to both, than remaining single.

The Athena Instinct in women is then a very wise and judicious one  (thus her constant companion, the Owl, and origin of owls as "wise"), in which women use their discernment and experience to achieve success in both life and love. Winners love winning, and love other winners, and Athena is the ultimate "winner."

She uses two general kinds of tests of men:

1. Does he have what it takes to be “manly enough” or in common language, to “be a real man?”
2. Does he have character and maturity, gentlemanliness (even as they say, “chivalry”)?

If romance were a contest in which the hand of the woman were the prize then this prize can only be won by “the best man” (for her.) Not the most wealthy, or the fittest physically, nor merely the funniest, or the one with the most degrees. Just the right man for her, specifically, in the sexual, emotional and intellectual (and maturity level) arenas.

RETURN TO THE FEMININE INSTINCTS

Attachment is the most definitive form of imprinting, also called the "Oedipus," by Freud, attachment is the unconscious, passionate desire and dependence on the opposite sex parent in our youth. It is "turned on" only in the right conditions - where it is safe to do so, reliable to do so, and needed by the baby. In adult life, the same holds true or we will not even choose the right person for ourselves, let alone, say or do the right things to screen for or display in getting together with them.

There are several attachment styles that academics talk about, however, in Romantic Dynamics, we see attachment as a one-way deal in which we benefit from and latch onto our opposite-sex parent, eventually looking unconsciously for the specific virtues and vices of that parent. This, then, becomes the early model for how we choose a mate.

This is often confusing for us in that imprinting phenomenae are both random, and specific at the same time. For our purposes, we will say that it is desire toward the opposite sex parent, in which we unconsciously have an instinct turn on, which filters the people we meet, to disqualify some of them for romance because they either lack the virtues we most enjoyed in our opposite sex parent, or else has some of the vices they had, which nontheless brought us together in the first place.

A Reptilian Brain response to anxiety, in which one "flees," or hides from the threat or loss. It is a part of addiction as a mode of processing anxiety, and is built into the survival instinct called the "Fight or Flight Instinct."