The step by step process of mastering romantic skills and garnering needed psychological resources, in the course of finding a mate, through sexual attraction, emotional attraction, and intellectual attraction that occur in the reptilian, mammalian and higher brains of the mind, respectively.
The Three Phases of Courtship above can be attributed to the functions of the Reptilian Brain, the Mammalian Brain and the Higher Brain, respectively. There are three steps to each, which we can learn more about by examining each phase. They are like three acts of a play - a beginning, middle and end to the story of one's romance.
Each of these Three Phases of Courtship are divided into three steps for Sexual Attraction, three steps for Emotional Attraction and three steps for Intellectual Attraction.
On average, these nine steps mark two people's progress through the process of a romance as it matures from merely "dating," to becoming friends, boyfriend or girlfriend, and finally, into a committed, longer-term relationship. In this way, one can always know how advanced into an enjoyable, successful, and potentially lasting romance they have, based on the kinds of interactions, challenges, and issues that they are currently dealing with. The Romantic Dynamics process isn't simply linear, but rather, builds on foundations already laid. As a result, the nine steps tend to appear in a romance, in order, and yet are also like a blank template to fill out until it is complete, or a painting that is unfinished and to be worked on over time, or a building partially constructed, until all the working parts are in place.
Each step forms a series of lessons of its own that you can follow based on what it of most interest to you, or what you are struggling with or trying to improve, or to simply use the questions of the Virtual Advisor to work your way down to just the right step of courtship to study, and the right lesson in that step.
The Nine Steps of Courtship in Three Phases
- PHASE 1: SEXUAL ATTRACTION ➳
- Step 1: Boy Meets Girl (Beauty and Mystery) ➳
- Step 2: Ladies and Gentlemen ➳
- Step 3: Winning and Losing ➳
- PHASE 2: EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION ➳
- Step 4: Finding Value in Each Other ➳
- Step 5: Finding Stress in Each Other ➳
- Step 6: Finding Completion in Each Other ➳
- PHASE 3: INTELLECTUAL ATTRACTION ➳
- Step 7: "Who I Am": Character Maturity ➳
- Step 8: "Who We Are": Compatible Character ➳
- Step 9: "Where We Are Going": Achievement of Joint Goals ➳
PHASE 1: SEXUAL ATTRACTION ➳
Steps One Through Three. Desire, Passion and initial interest.
Why does all of human courtship start with Sexual Attraction? Why not "friendship" or "love," or some sort of intellectual connection? Because romance parallels the way we grow and develop as individuals too, beginning with the most primitive or immature states, and working our way up in life, from there. The starting point is the Reptilian Brain, where the passions are felt, and where the instincts for survival, for masculinity and femininity reside.
We begin here, also, in the Reptilian Brain, because this part of the mind, as sets of instincts, also happen to be the most rapid, nonverbal triggers of the most rapid, natural, nonverbal, physical responses to a romance of budding potential. In other words, it happens first, in part, simply because it contains the most rapid neural pathways that respond to others in our environment.
In timecourse, this phase happens at first sight ("Boy Meets Girl") and extends usually on average, as long as one month, a reasonable enough length of time to start to get to know someone of dating interest, better. It is a condition in the potential relationship, at a time early on, revealing that passion exists between two people, and thaat both partners selectively feel more masculine and feminine, and therefore more passionate about being around each other.
We are here to learn about romance, not just Platonic friendship or collegiality, and so, if there is not masculinity, femininity and passion generated between two people at the outset, there is not going to be a romantic relationship formed. It is sexual, or it will eventually be called something other than romance, later.
You might be familiar with the Greek myth of Helen of Troy, the “face that launched a thousand ships.” The legend says that Helen was the most beautiful woman in the world and queen to King Menelaus of Greece. When the Trojan, Paris sweeps her off her feet, it leads to an epic and tragic war that claims the life of Paris.
Three goddesses came into conflict with each other, and decided to settle their differences, through the Temptation of Paris, offering their best gifts. We of course know that the beauty of the woman, Helen, as the most appealing of all, and so Beauty becomes the very first step of human courtship, Step 1, to which the man responds with an expression of mysteriousness, the nature of the god, Hermes, the god of communication (and a trickster) and of Eros, the god of love.
We may mine this ancient myth for psychological wisdom that is still useful today, by not ignoring the offerings of the other two goddesses, Hera, and Athena, the first of which offered Paris, "dominion over all the world,"which is essentially being granted special status and ownership of possessions and property, rank and territory. Preferred status and mutual empowerment, then, form Step 2 of courtship and Sexual Attraction, where the man and woman let each other know that they are liked and preferred over other potential mates.
The gift of Athena offered to Paris was "the ability to win every battle," which is yet another kind of prize that appeals to men - that to feel total conviction and satisfaction in a romance, they need to have strived for something, and "earned it" or "won it." This forms Step 3 of courtship, and of Sexual Attraction, where the woman "tests" the man for his merits of masculinity, and of character to potentially be a long-term committed partner.
Step 1: Boy Meets Girl (Beauty and Mystery) ➳
Something has to start the connection between two people who will eventually find love. Since we are in the reptilian brained part of the mind, we are essentially nonverbal, physical, and relying on the senses for the first stirrings of romance. From our story of the Temptation of Paris, from the ancient Greeks, we find the young character from the Trojan War, choosing the Beauty of Helen as his ultimate prize offered by the most powerful goddesses, which of course, represents the deep, instinctual feminine nature of women. How women conduct themselves physically, and in flirtation, causes men to compete with each other for their attention, and we see men respond to this with a mysterious air that satisfies the most primitive, instinctual drives in women to want to know more, to "solve the mystery" expressed by the man. This is exemplified in such folklore as the story of Bluebeard, and in tales of the Greek gods, Hermes (the messenger, communicator and trickster), and Eros (the god of love and desire.)
We need to not forget the other two gifts offered in our story, or else risk the eventual end of the relationship, because beauty cannot last, and neither can putting on an air of mystery last forever. A man who does this as his only action ends up being labeled "weird" or "creepy," instead of masculine and desirable, unless he recognizes where in courtship he stands, and moves on to the next step, once the two potential partners realize that they are liked by each other.
Step 2: Ladies and Gentlemen ➳
To today's couples, this would be like making the man feel special, and giving him respect, honor, and compliments, letting him know he is preferred over other men, not unlike "maternal" treatment. In kind, Hera was married to Zeus, who offered the same special treatment in return, known to often assist his followers in profound and powerful ways, to keep them safe, and to elevate their own status and fortunes. This is akin to a man offering "paternal" treatment in return, where both partners are letting each other know they are liked and admired. And so treating each other like "Ladies and Gentlemen," and the preference and honor given in such an interaction, forms Step 2 of human courtship (and Sexual Attraction.)
Step 3: Winning and Losing ➳
Athena, the goddess of war, was known to put men under the microscope in this way, judging the merits of one warrior over another and one army over another, eventually favoring one, and assisting that party to victory. This is then, the Step of Courtship where one must compete with other men for the love or the attention of the same woman. For her part, she needs to screen out the men who are not qualified for her, not a good match, not sociable together or compatible, and so she 'tests' the man for both his masculinity and his character. The man who rises above other men of interest to her, in terms of masculinity and character, is then, the "winner" in her view, and is qualified to now move on into a growing friendship and love with her, not just physical attraction. They may then start to date, or eventually become exclusive in dating.
PHASE 2: EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION ➳
Steps Four Through Six. Friendship, Love, and Best-friendship, with compatibility of the personalities.
Phase Two of Human Courtship is the same as Emotional Attraction, Friendship and Love. It is no longer based on passion and desire, but on shared happiness and higher self-esteem in each other's company. The psychology of the emotions are central at this point, and the psychodynamics of self-esteem and friendship bonds are crucial for the relationship.
This phase is divided into three "steps," just like the Sexual Attraction phase is, and in Romantic Dynamics, we call them, "Finding Value in Each Other," "Finding Stress in Each Other," and "Finding Completion in Each Other."
These three steps lead us through a formation of friendship together (or whether we are even compatible as friends with more than just passion, desire and sexual interest), into the challenges of stress that every potential couple faces, and finally to discovering whether we have what it takes to not just be "friends," but "best friends" or what has been colloquially been called, "soulmates," capable of a longer term relationship as successful partners.
By the end of this phase of courtship, we will have solid knowledge as to whether we should move forward with evaluating for a successful long term commitment.
Step 4: Finding Value in Each Other ➳
For Step 4, Finding Value in Each Other, the couple already does have a physical attraction caused by the polarity of their masculinity and femininity, however, that is a different process in the mind than friendship. And so we explore the basic principles that compose friendship and where we stand on them. Friendship is defined in our model as "consistent, mutual, shared positive emotion," which is similar to the model Aristotle established so long ago. If we have these four parts operating between us as a couple, it is very likely we can form a lasting friendship.
Friendship is synonymous with other terms that mean the same thing: positive emotion. Happiness is what is shared between friends, and that is positive emotion. Self-esteem is what is amplified by friends, mutually, and that is positive emotion, or happiness. Self-esteem is what we all get out of a friendship and what literally causes us to value our friends, and ourselves. And so learning to assess what we value, how "valuable" we are socially, and romantically, and how valuable others are to us, is the task of Step 4.
Step 5: Finding Stress in Each Other ➳
For Step 5, Finding Stress in Each Other, we learn that there is an opposite to Self-esteem, called Stress, which comes form the environment or from each other. It is negative emotion, and takes the form of Hurt or Loss. When either of these get into us, they cause us unhappiness, which is the antithesis of happiness, love, friendship and self-esteem. If Hurt gets into us, we get Anger as a result. If Loss gets into us, we get Anxiety as a result. We therefore must learn how to handle the two kinds of stress as a couple, using the Anger Map and Anxiety Map in our Romantic Dynamics model.
Step 6: Finding Completion in Each Other ➳
For Step 6, Finding Completion in Each Other, we have learned how to value each other in friendship and love, as well as how to counter the enemy of love, which is stress. But now we are reaching the pinnacle of friendship and love, that some have called, "Best Friends" or even "Soulmates." For this task, we need to learn the four personality temperments of the Social Personality System, where opposite personalities make for "best friend" or "soulmate" partnerships. This leads to a natural giftedness at mastering the challenges of stress on one's happiness and shared love, and practically guarantees the compatibility emotionally, where almost effortlessly, two people have a natural tendency to always be building each other's self-esteem, or happiness. It also has overlap into giftedness at certain Character Virtues that make two people compatible in character in the next phase of courtship - Intellectual Attraction - where a focus on joint success at goals is paramount.
PHASE 3: INTELLECTUAL ATTRACTION ➳
Steps Seven Through Nine. Commitment, Teamwork, and Partnership.
Intellectual Attraction takes its name from the executive and intellectual functions of the higher brain, and is the last area of the minds of two people to truly integrate in their romantic lives, for a very good reason. If there was not first, passion, Sexual Attraction and desire online between them, there would be nothing to cause the root energy of their core selves - the masculinity and femininity - to have an enduring source of subsistence, to at least to be self-generating. This is the real cause of many a divorce, because without one's core power source, one can only go on so long before they are what many call, "spiritually bankrupt." Many people try to say that they had great conversation and an 'intellectual connection" long before they "developed feelings for each other," but that is not at all what we are talking about in the Commitment Phase of Courtship. Of course there is conversation during the process of early dating, but that is still the time period of the growing desire of the Sexual Attraction Phase. We do use all three parts of the mind at all times.
The Commitment Phase, or Intellectual Attraction is something more profound than that. It is an intertwining of life's goals to make joint goals, and the whole purpose of it is to assure success as a team of partners to get to those goals. If Intellectual Attraction came first in the three phases, then the two individuals would only be forming a partnership such as those seen in business or the professions, not a romance.
Intellectual Attraction also comes after the Emotional Attraction Phase, because mastery of the subconscious mind and its emotions are paramount to even hoping to form a solid and durable partnership that lasts. In other words, we need to be good friends if we are also to be partners in aiming for goals together, otherwise, the partnership will be very fragile, indeed. Not to mention that "love" is the exclusive domain of the Emotional Attraction Phase, and if there is not first, love, then it is not a romance. Again, it is just a business arrangement (which many marriages these days feel like), and you deserve better than that.
Many people try to say that they formed a friendship first, before "developing feelings for each other," sexually, but if that were true, then it would only be a Platonic friendship that was formed, not a romance once again. It is very unlikely for us to find Sexual Attraction for the first time, if we already are working in some other psychological mode together. We have already had the chance to develop what is an instantaneous attraction felt more in the body, nonverbally, than the intellect but have moved far beyond that, to form a non-romantic friendship or partnership instead. Yes, people who have ordinary friendships might have a brief fling of interest in each other sexually, but not from the solid groundwork that occurs for a full, lifelong romance which has organically grown from that first spark of desire.
Intellectual attraction also explains how it can be that two people "get along" and yet "the sex has died," or they have settled into more of a "companionate love," simply enjoying each other's company, with less of the animalistic passion. It explains why people who are no longer on as friendly terms, still stay together, with the love gone, but the routines of daily life in place. Hard to maintain, and prone to divorce eventually, but they stay together just because it's financially, socially, and personally enabling them to still meet their lifelong goals, even though the sex and even friendship has died.
Ideally, when we start from the start - the desire of Sexual Attraction, followed by the love and friendship of Emotional Attraction, and finally, the success at joint goals of Intellectual Attraction, we have a three act play in its entirety, a full romance with every possible chance of going on, for life.
And so we must master steps 7, 8, and 9: "Who I Am," "Who We Are", and "Where We Are Going."
Step 7: "Who I Am": Character Maturity ➳
Step 7 is a very, very large portion of your overall training and preparedness for full, lifelong romance with one person. Yet it is not new to you, the kind of advice your grandmother may have given you: "You have to know yourself to be with another person in love." It is the fullest sense of self you can reach, through personal growth efforts to become a mature, virtuous person. And so in itself, Step 7 is a sort of "personal growth course" in and of itself, covering many of the features of how your conscious mind works and matures over time.
To be prepared to be a great partner to someone else, you need to work on the ultimate personal growth skill, called Observing Ego, which is a bit like being your own personal growth coach, being self-aware and self-observant, as well as socially aware. It is the basis of why we call some people we meet, "Cool." A "cool person" is self aware and does the socially right things in the right way at the right time.
We also need to learn the next universal personal growth task - perhaps the most important and closely aligned with being a mature, virtuous person - the workings of the Personal Boundary, with its "holes", "walls" and "doors," the most mature feature.
From there, we return to our emotions and how to get them more constructive and mature, more "win/win" in nature, which is the opposite of childishness and pathologic narcissism. We start to do more virutous things with our emotions such as assertiveness and courage.
All along the way we learn that more mature people cultivate wisdom with their decisions, and have ethics and also shrewdness, a kind of "worldly wisdom" that helps them make ever-more-accurate decisions, the kind that anyone would want in a partner for success.
We learn of the importance of balance in our psychological resources, and how to use them, guiding them with the intellect that is the part and parcel of the Higher Brain itself, and we grow education and experience in our left-brain and right-brain, in balance.
We unify many of these ideas with some standard models from psychology, such as the psychodynamics of the "Ego Defenses," also called "defense mechanisms," of which there are four levels of maturity - Primitive Ego Defenses, Immature Ego Defenses, Neurotic Ego Defenses, and finally Mature Ego Defenses, which are also called the Virtues, by ancient philosophers.
Having done our best to reach the highest maturity of character and virtue that we can, we have done all we can to be a fit partner toward achieving success with another person. Both at our personal life's goals, and those we will form as a couple.
Step 8: "Who We Are": Compatible Character ➳
At this step, both partners have experienced desire, Sexual Attraction, dated, formed a friendship, been through some difficult stresses and the emotions they cause, in the Emotional Attraction Phase, and hopefully found that they have compatible personality styles on the Social Personality System. They are "best friends" or "soulmates."
They have even gone so far as to work on their own character maturity and virtue, to ready themselves for a full attempt at seeing if they are able to form a long term, committed relationship.
Now, in Step 8, we must learn of the strengths and weaknesses in each other's character, and find a second kind of compatibility, not in personality styles, but in the character virtues composed from the common traits we share, and the relationship skills we must have, in order to be the most successful team of partners we can be.
At this point in the "higher brain," the most unique, individualized part of the mind, we must bring in an element of such randomness, what makes us, us as individuals. It is the particular parents we had, and their influence on our identity and eventual choices in a mate. Attachment and Identification will influence what we learn from our parents, both in terms of our identity as adults, and in our preferences in choice of a mate.
In addition, there are both Four Commonalities of Commitment that we must learn, in which the more similarity we have, the more likely we will make lasting partners at reaching success together toward goals. These are Intelligence, Maturity, shared Beliefs about life, and shared Life's Goals. If you have more than two of these very in common with your partner, that goes a long way toward keeping you together.
There are also Four Skills of Commitment which "stack" upon each other, and without which we cannot last as lifelong partners. These are also called "the 4 C's": Curiosity, Communication, Compromise, and Collaboration, which cannot be built and used except in that order, and which parallels one's maturity of character. The highest skill to build in a committed relationship is Collaboration.
As a way of striking the highest efficiency at assessing our relationships and finding the highest compatible partner, we may COMBINE the Four Commonalities of Commitment with the Four Skills of Partnership or Commitment, to make 16 "Cardinal Virtues" of a lasting, committed romantic relationships. While there are innumerable character virtues for people to grow at, these 16 character virtues happen to be the most potent and individualized ones for striking a perfect balance between the 4 things we must have in common, and the 4 skills that make us good partners. In Romantic Dynamics, we call a good match of these 16 virtues, "Two-factor Authentication," for the two factors of "common traits" and "partnership skills" (the "4 C's".)
We solidify the uniqueness of our identities with the random inheritance of the traits of the particular same sex parent we happened to have (Identification), and the type of partner we learned to desire by way of character features in our opposite sex parent (Attachment), to reach ONE Master Virtue that we possess, and ONE Master Virtue that we seek in a partner, as the unique individual that we are.
Those who discover this one Virtue in themselves, and one in their partner, are especially lucky, blessed and persistent as far as romance goes.
Step 9: "Where We Are Going": Achievement of Joint Goals ➳
Finally, we are ready. We are compatible in every way, to the degree that we have the desire of Sexual Attraction, Phase One, the love and friendship, even "best friendship" of Emotional Attraction, Phase Two, and the maximum personal growth to be ready, with the Character Compatibility of virtues that we acquired from our parents, ready to chart our way to execute our joint goals as a loving, lasting couple in Intellectual Attraction, Phase Three.
Here, in the final step of courtship, we are actually reaching out into the environment as a couple, pursuing our personal and joint goals, and actually testing all we share as partners, trying for those combined, personal and joint life's goals.
Within this final step, we finally return to the man's selection of the woman as just the right partner for him. He has been tested and placed under the microscope several times to determine whether he had what it takes to qualify for her partnership requirements. Human Courtship needs to be perfectly balanced, equal and harmonious however, and so this time, with the stakes high for all his efforts at personal goals equal and in balance with hers, the man must make a final assessment of the woman as a potential lifelong partner.
In symmetry, just as the woman held the power of choice regarding whether the romance would continue past an initial flirtation, in the Phase One, Sexual Attraction, Step 3 - Winning and Losing - now is the time for the man's equivalent, which is the decision on his part to commit for life, or not, to the woman, based on precisely the same features of HER psychology - her character maturity.
From Evolutionary Psychology, we learn that simply because of the very different number of total gametes in a male versus a female, the two genders develop different, unconscious, instinctual, reproductive strategies for selecting a mate.
On the part of the woman, with 200-300 total viable eggs over a lifetime that can become a zygote growing into a baby, her automatic instincts that have developed over a million years of evolution lead her instincts to be highly selective of a specific male prior to sex occuring. It makes sense that early in courtship, in Sexual Attraction, Step 3, she tests the male for the character that reveals his virtue, loyalty, goodness and fitness as a potential long term mate, even though they are nowhere near through the friendship phase of Emotional Attraction or the commitment phase of Intellectual Attraction. Why waste months and years of her life, only to eventually find that he is a low character, disloyal mate years later, with all that time spent that could have been used to find a mate who will last for life, each month ticking off several more eggs that will not lead to the next generation of her genes?
However, the man, with billions of sperm over the lifetime that could become a baby, he has evolved over a million years to have the instincts focused not on careful selection of a sex partner, but on a partner who is highly likely to support his efforts at making progress in his skills out in the world that could protect and provide for the offspring, for her if needed, and for himself as a helpmate to her, which in today's terms, translates to his career progress. This is not surrounding the actual baby itself, but his means of helping the baby through his material resources and capacity to continue to acquire them. And yet it is the very same aspect of psychology that he must assess in the woman - her virtue and character maturity. He need not do this early in the Sexual Attraction Phase, but he absolutely must do so by the end of the very last phase of courtship, the Intellectual Attraction Phase, and its very last step, Step 9, before the final decision on his part to commit to her for life. In today's world, that means the legalities of marriage, or at least the psychology of long term commitment romantically, foregoing connection to all other women sexually and romantically, for life.
This step of courtship transcends all brief sociological movements such as the "Sexual Revolution," First Wave and Second Wave Feminism, the Men's Right's Movement, or any other "movement" to come. It is a million years of evolution of the instincts of the species at hand, and these unconscious processes will not go away any eon soon, regardless of what sociologists predict, or Twitter followers proclaim. It is enduring biology.
So, while women hold all the power of sexual access and selection of men they feel safe and comfortable with, in perfect symmetry and harmony, men will always hold all the power of "commitment access" and selection of women they feel safe and comfortable with, to the utmost assurance that their life's goals and efforts, which are usually to impress, help, support, empower, protect, and satisfy the woman they love, and their children, such that they will have happy, loving, successful, long lives of their own.
Intellectual Attraction is about the woman accomplishing her purpose in life, the man accomplishing his mission in life, and them both as a couple accomplishing their joint relationship goals in life, usually in a way that has synthesized these together through Compromise, and executed them as partners, in Collaboration, both of which we learned about in Step 8.
The highest likelihood at this juncture is that the man's personal mission is lost and forgotten in the marital union, just as the highest likelihood in the Sexual Attraction phase is that the couple have a "fling" that goes no further than passion and desire, which would not benefit the woman's overall welfare. If the man senses the same spirit in this last step, similar to the feeling a woman would have the morning after a "one night stand," then similarly, he will never contact her again. He will not propose, and if already married, he will divorce her.
Women's happiness is in giving birth to children and to new ideas. Women must know that they have chosen the right man to give birth next to.
Men's happiness is not in surviving, but in death, knowing that their efforts mattered, and helped support those they love. And so this final step assures that they have chosen the right woman to die next to. And so we return to the masculine and feminine instincts of gender as our tests that a man gives to a woman, before he makes the final commitment to her, not just "for life," but, "of his life," its mission and its legacy to their future descendants.
Desk Set (1957)
Desk Set is a Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn film about when a computer expert tries to prove his electronic brain can replace a television network's research staff, and love erupts. You can see ample information about it below. It is available for a small fee on the web.
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